We weren't born to follow....come on and get up off your knees...hold on to what you believe-- December 15 1998

The fact that Juniper was trying to protect me from dangers told me she was alright.  I sat down next to June, but out of Mrs. Lupin's way.  I had been in Professor Lupin's office enough times to easily recognize his wife from the pictures he had.  I took hold of June's hand -- I had finally gotten used to that and short hugs.  "I think I can handle myself, June," I told her.  If Mrs. Lupin was not checking her for injuries and helpnig them, I would have brought Juniper into my arms.  I refrained, though, because I did not ant to get in the way and be a menace.

I let him take my hand, it gave me something besides my pain to focus on. He was staring to get better with physical contact and I didn't always feel the need to apologize after but sometimes, I still did. I shook my head at him, "I know you can handle yourself but I did not take this," I held up my left arm to indicate my Mark, knowing Linc knew what I meant, "to protect you only to let you die six months later in a war." My eyes widened in shock. I had never told Linc that before, why I had taken the Mark. I figured it didn't matter, the Mark is the Mark, but now he knew. It's not like it changed anything though. I wondered if this was proof of the head damage that Draco was trying to convince Mrs. Lupin I might have.

Evan Potter wrote:I gripped my wand tightly and glared at Faith and Harry.  "Faith, get out of the way," I said in a deadly calm.  There was no way I was going to hurt my sister.  She and Mum were the only ones I actually cared about in this godforsaken family.

I force the shudder that wanted to pass through my body away, Evan was being too calm and there was no saying what he would do at this point. The fact that he hadn't hurt me meant that maybe he still cared about me, maybe I could use this to help him see the truth. I kept reminding myself that the person who raised him had just been killed. He must be devastated. "Evan, I'm not going to let you hurt Harry or our father." I said, matching his deadly calm voice as best as I could. I shook my head. "You'll have to go through me if you want to hurt them."

I did not want to hurt Faith, but she did not understand.  She never understood, hard as she tried.  She did not grow up with Peter... she did not grow up believing his tales -- which possibly were lies.  My entire world had been turned upside down when I found out that Lily and Faith had been rescued -- and James -- and that they were all okay.  But then Peter went missing... and in that year, I was so lost and confused.  When I found Peter again, it was just a mere week before the war.  I had been hurt that he had not come to find me to tell me that he was okay -- but perhaps that was his way of avoiding answering my questions.  But despite all of that, I still cared for him.  And to have James kill him?

I shook my head at Faith.  "He may be our father, but he isn't my dad, Faith," I pointed out to her.  "Nor is he any brother of mine.  The only family I've got is you and Lily and Peter.  Peter's gone... and someone has to pay for that."  I hated that tears had come to my eyes.  I was trying to be strong and here I was about to cry over losing the only person who cared for me when I was younger.  He read me bedtime stories, made me treats, taught me to read, helped me with my magic... everything!

I knew how much this tested our family. " You cant see that he betrayed you?! You really think she would give you up?! To a man that stole them away from everything after betraying then and sending them to death?! I guess I gave you to much credit than Evan. Who knew what lies could he fed when you were taken away from family and raised by a traitor!" I finished angrily. I have lost them once, i refuse to lose them again.

I glared at Harry.  "I don't know what to bloody think!  Not everyone got handed the truth -- or anything -- so easily!  You had all the friends... all the love... everything!  All I had was a bloody house elf and a man who -- up until recently -- had been my savior and my protector!" I shouted at him, wishing that they would all just understand.  "I wanted to confront him on everything!  But now I can't!  Thanks to your so-called dad!"  I could feel my anger coursing through my body.  I needed to do something.  I did always have a bit of a nasty temper, even Peter admitted that.  Which was why it was so easy for me to believe that my first magical experience was me blowing up Lily and Faith.  I lost it.  Simple as that.  But since that was the only thing I remembered, it was clear that Peter messed with my mind with the memory charm.  He inserted that memory for me, erasing the real one.  What else had he done?  Did he just mess with my mind on that occasion or on many?  Who was I, really?

<< Apparently Evan has jealousy issues lol >>

Juniper Renee Malfoy wrote:I let him take my hand, it gave me something besides my pain to focus on. He was staring to get better with physical contact and I didn't always feel the need to apologize after but sometimes, I still did. I shook my head at him, "I know you can handle yourself but I did not take this," I held up my left arm to indicate my Mark, knowing Linc knew what I meant, "to protect you only to let you die six months later in a war." My eyes widened in shock. I had never told Linc that before, why I had taken the Mark. I figured it didn't matter, the Mark is the Mark, but now he knew. It's not like it changed anything though. I wondered if this was proof of the head damage that Draco was trying to convince Mrs. Lupin I might have.

I raised my eyebrows at her, looking from one twin to the other, then keeping my eyes on Juniper.  I had always assumed that she took the Mark to protect the twins and to be there for Draco.  I never asked for more details and Juniper never really wanted to talk about it.  "Well, I'm still here," I assured her, not really wanting to get into the whole fiasco with Mrs. Lupin there.  That would not be wise, I did not think.  "Not dead.  So it looks like your protection is still working... but you're going to have to let me protect you a little bit, there, June.  You're hurt... decently bad by the looks of things.  So stop worrying and let me handle that."

<< I can kind of see that thoguh....>>

I grunted, this was not turning out the way I wanted. I glared at Harry, he was not helping at all. "Guys, just calm down." Evan didn't need to be yelled at right now. The fact that he thought of me as family was touching though. I would try to make him see that I wanted to help him. I shook my head to clear it as I turned to my twin. "Evan, I'm sorry that the man who raised you is dead but I am not sorry that Peter was killed." I hoped he wouldn't get mad at me but I was attempting to understand what he must be going through. "No one has to pay for that Evan, you don't need revenge. If you really feel the need for someone to pay though, I will. I know you must be hurting right now." I could see the tears start to form and wished I could wipe them away but that would be counter-productive right now. What Evan wanted was answers. "Mum, dad, Harry and I may not have all the answers but maybe we can help piece together the puzzle, all of us. As a family."

I put my hands in my hair, pulling at the red strands slightly before letting my hands drop.  I stared at Faith, slightly appalled.  I always wanted to believe that Faith was not exactly like the rest of them... but it was clear that she was.  I clenched my jaw and took a deep breath.  She was toeing a very precarious line and she just crossed it.  I felt my heart break slightly.  I had my sister back for a year... but it was strained.  And now, it was clear as to why.  She was a Potter through and through.  What was I?  I was not a Potter.... not a Pettigrew... 

I shook my head at Faith.  "You're not the one who strangled the life from Peter.  And don't you dare pretend like you care, Faith.  I should have known... should have known that this would happen.  I have no one!  No one!  There is no puzzle for you guys!  So why the bloody hell would any of you care?!  It's clear that James and Harry don't give a damn about me!  And now... you've been lying to me too!"  I could not believe this.  She thought we were a family?  My family died in a fire that never happened.  I could not trust any of them -- except Lily.  Peter always showed Lily in a good light... and I loved her, too.  The only person that could probably calm me down right now was her.  Tink and Peter always spoke of her when my temper started to flare before.

"I took it for everyone." I said softly, noticing his look, "including you." I didn't want to get into this with Mrs.Lupin so close but he had to know. I closed my eyes, he was right, he was still here. "And I'm glad your still here. I won't let them hurt you." I shook my head and it started to throb. I grunted in pain and let it pass before I opened my eyes and looked over at him. "I couldn't let them hurt any of you." I said weakly, tears starting to form. I let them fall. "I knew you wouldn't care about me after I took it, but I had to make sure you, Pansy and the twins would be okay." He had to understand, even though he hated me, I had to protect him. "I'm fine." I lied, brushing off his concern for my safety, wondering slightly if Draco would inform him of what had happened to us tonight.

I looked at my twin, hurt written across my face. How could he think I didn't care about him? I knew I said too much. I took a few shaky breaths to calm myself, I didn't want to yell at him, I wanted to try to calm him down if I could and knew I had to be calm in order to do that. I had to pick my words carefully. "I care about you Evan, I'll always care about you, even if you don't care about me. You're my twin." I shook my head slightly, "I never lied to you Evan, I am sorry that someone you cared about died, I can't imagine what your going through." I took a few more shaky breaths, "You have me," I began, "and Lily." I knew if I said mum he may start up again and hoped speaking of her would calm him, at least a bit. "She loves you Evan, she always told me how much she loved us. You and me." She had also said how much she loved Harry and our dad but that was irrelevant right now. Maybe, with time, we could be the family that mum, dad and I wanted but for now, this would have to do. "I care about you Evan," I repeated sincerely, "What can I say to prove that to you?"

She had an odd way of showing that she cared... I clenched my jaw to try to keep a lid on my emotions.  I knew that Lily was there for me.  I was not expecting any of this to go down easily.  Really, I was not going to hurt James that much.  I just wanted to hit him.  Make him feel some of the pain that I felt right now.  But I was no murderer -- even I would not sink that low.  Not even if he deserved it.  I had been so happy to know that Lily and Faith were alive and well a year ago, I needed to remember that as I glared at my sister.  She truly thought she was helping.  I felt my knees get a little shaky and weak feeling.  I knew that the adrenaline from my anger was subsiding and the pain from my loss was going to wash over me.  "I just... I'm done," I said, not entirely sure if she heard me.  "I'm done with this godforsaken family.  I'm not a Potter.  I'm just... I'm just some kid who's lost everything now no matter what people say."  I knew that Faith would dispute that, but I felt like I had nothing.  I had no family and the family I thought I had was apparently a lie.  Everything was so messed up.  What memories in my head were even real?  My knees finally buckled and I fell to the ground, not even trying to ease the impact on them as they hit the stone.  I was sixteen and my entire life was a lie...

Juniper Renee Malfoy wrote:"I took it for everyone." I said softly, noticing his look, "including you." I didn't want to get into this with Mrs.Lupin so close but he had to know. I closed my eyes, he was right, he was still here. "And I'm glad your still here. I won't let them hurt you." I shook my head and it started to throb. I grunted in pain and let it pass before I opened my eyes and looked over at him. "I couldn't let them hurt any of you." I said weakly, tears starting to form. I let them fall. "I knew you wouldn't care about me after I took it, but I had to make sure you, Pansy and the twins would be okay." He had to understand, even though he hated me, I had to protect him. "I'm fine." I lied, brushing off his concern for my safety, wondering slightly if Draco would inform him of what had happened to us tonight.

Instead of arguing with her about how much I truly cared for her and how she needed to stop thinking that I did not, I did something that I would have never believed that I could do.  I shook my head slightly at her, wishing that she would believe me, but understanding why she would not.  Her father had beaten her down with his words for so many years that it was all she thought was true.  I put my hand on her cheek, gently, and wiped away some of her tears before leaning down and kissing her lips softly.  I kept my forehead against hers.  "When will you realize that I do care about you -- no matter what?" I asked her.

Tears stung my eyes as I watched my twin break in front of me. I had no idea how to comfort him, Peter had taken him away too early I never learned what to say to make him feel better. I was figuring out that using Lily's name somewhat worked so I would start there. I ran over and collapsed to my knees next to him, using my bad arm to prevent myself from falling over. I didn't care that it radiated with fresh pain from the hard impact or that I had noticed it had started bleeding again from a wound I had sustained trying to find Evan, all I cared about right now was helping my twin. I had spent my whole life trying to make it up to mum, and even dad and Harry for Evan not being with us. But right now, I had to make it up to Evan for not being there for him our whole lives.

"What about being Lily's family?" I asked gently. "You don't have to be Jame's, or Harry's or even mine if you don't feel like you are." It hurt me to say the last part but hopefully it was the right thing to say. I felt weird calling mum and dad by their real names but I didn't want to set Evan off again. I took a few shaky breath, "She cares about you Evan, she told me every day we were down there. And you're what got me through the imprisonment. I knew you were real. After a while, I thought James and Harry were just stories she told me but I had seen you, I knew you were real." It was true, the longer mum and I had been locked up the harder it was for me to believe that there was another world, a world with my dad and Harry.  But Evan and I had played together, laughed together, had memories together that I used a pensieve to keep. "You still have Lily, you'll always have Lily. And, for what it's worth, you'll always have me."

<< I love the kiss!!!!! June had no idea how to respond so this is what happened.....>>

I was going to try to convince him that I really was okay, even thought I knew it was a lie, and that he didn't have to worry about me when he gently wiped away my falling tears. I closed my eyes and felt him lean forward. Then he kissed me. The kiss was so soft and unexpected and I savoured it as best as I could. No one had ever kissed me like that before. His forehand was against mine when he asked me the impossible question. I took a few shaky breaths to get my heart back to a steady rhythm, whether it stopped or tripled in speed during the kiss I wasn't sure, before I opened my eyes. I honestly had no idea how to answer the question or react to the kiss. "Well, I can't say that hurt your case." I began slowly. But how could he care about me when I was what I was? I took the Mark, accepting the fact Lincoln wouldn't care about me anymore, but his safety was more important then my happiness, most things were according to Father. "I just don't know if I can ever believe that, being what I am. It doesn't matter what anyone does or says." I told him honestly. Between hearing my Father say it my whole life and hating myself for being a Death Eater, despite the reason I became one, how could anyone care about me when I didn't really care about myself?