Still chasing shadows in our heads -- Fall 1998 (DONE)

Addison and I had travelled to the States to visit her parents.  Since they did not like me very much, I decided to go see my uncle that until recently, my parents believed to be dead.  I saw my uncle sitting on his front porch wiht a cigarette in his hand while he read the paper.  I walked up the path and knocked on one of the wooden beams to let him know I was there.  I had not sent word that I was going to visit, so I hope that it was not an intrusion.  "Hello?  Do you have a minute?" I questioned, not sure if he would know hwo I was.  It was not like I have really personally met him and had conversations with him.

I looked up and saw who was unmistakably the son of my brother -- my nephew, Dean.  I smiled and put the paper down.  "Hi Dean," I said.  I motioned for him to sit down in teh wicker chair next to me.  I finished folding the paper nicely -- I was a little OCD about things -- and set it down on the table in front of us next to my coffee mug.  "To what do I owe the pleasure?" I inquired, flicking some ash from my cigarette into the ashtray.

I sat down adn was a little confused as to how he pretty much knew me already.  I suppose that Mum or Dad have been talking to him.  "Visiting the in laws," I explained, running my hand through my hair.  "How did you know who I was without asking?" I was not entirely sure that I had met him personally before.

I grinned.  I guess we have never properly met before.  "I could recognize Dodger's kid a mile away," I explained.  I knew for sure that he was his father's son.  I lit up a second cigarette and offered one to Dean.  I really was not expecting him to take one and was surprised when he did.  I lit it up fro him.  "The in-laws are horrible to hang with.  Do yours like you?  Or know you're actually alive at least," I joked.  I enjoyed making fun of my own 'death'.  It helped keep me sane now that the fear was a little less now than it used to be.

I drew back on the cigarette, knowing Addison was going to kill me if she found out.  she hated me smoking.  "Mine wished I wasn't alive, though; that's the problem," I explained.  I hated my in laws.  I really hoped one day that would change... but I doubted it.

I took a swig of my coffee and nodded.  "The in laws are tough," I said, taking another drag of my cigarette.  Of course I did not really have to deal with mine.  I saw the look on Dean's face.  "Why'd you come here?" I questioned.  It was not that I did not enjoy seeing my nephew for one of the first times in person.  "It just seems like you have something on your mind is all."  I looked over at my nephew.  I stood up with my empty coffee mug. I put the butt of my cigarette out in the ashtray.  I motinoed for him to follow me inside, which he did.

I followed Uncle Reg into his house and into his kitchen.  He was right, there was something on my mind.  Could I really confide in someone I did not really know?  Maybe that was what I needed... besides, I did have a lot on my mind.  It was after George and Lenni's wedding.  There was a lot on my mind... it was hard to get my jealousy under control.  I felt stupid for eing jealous.  It was not like Dad was able to help it; he was in a bloody coma.  "Well...there's just this feeling of jealousy and anger I have towards Lenni, my sister," I told him honestly.  My uncle poured me a mug of coffee.  I went ahead and added some creamer to mine.  I wondered what his views would be on this situation.

He was stressing over jealousy and anger towards his sister?  That seemed perfectly normal to me.  I knew I had been jealous of Sirius many times over, despite me being the favorite child.  I looked at Dean over my cup as I took a drink.  I leaned against the counter and held the cup in my left hand.  "I'm guessing that there's a bigger story here," I said, walking towards ht eliving room to sit down.  I knew Dean would follow.

I laughed a little as I followed Uncle REgulus to the couch.  He was right.  He did not have the full story at all.  "the shortened, easy version is this:  Dad was able to go to her wedding and not mind.  And to top it off, any time Dad and I get close something happens to ruin it.  most of the time it's my fault... so I really think I need to stop making things happen to Dad.  So I'm done with being close with him," I explained, shaking my head.  "I guess htis is my way of protecting him."  I watched my uncle and the way he handled himself; it was remarkably very similar to the wy I handled myself.

I was not sure which area I wanted to address first. I looked at him and sighed, running a hand through my hair.  "Well, I am going to handle what I know best," I said simply.  I took another sip of my lack coffee before I spoke again.  "He was just being a father, Dean.  You don't need to worry about protecting your dad.  It's his job to be protecting you."  I saw that Dean was about to speak up, but I held up my hand to stop him.  "I know... all o fus Blacks have a hard time with that."  I could not help but chuckle slightly.  "Sometimes when all you want to do is protect someone you love, it still winds up hurting them in some way."

I had been stirring my coffee with my left hand idling without looking at my uncle.  I moved my eyesight back towards his.  "What do you mean?" I inquired.

I sighed and stretched a little bit.  "Take me for example," I started, thinking back to when I thought I was protecting Aimee and those I loved.  "I went to a place and tried to destroy something that could hurt Voldemort. I knew that me going missing would cause strife, but I'd destroy the weapon that he had."  I closed my eyes, not liking reliving this.  But I wanted to explain how attempting to protect the ones you love may backfire.

"I ended up being saved somehow.  I knew I was still a dead man, so I left.  I ran away.  At the time, I thought I was protecting everyone still.  I did not think the Death Eaters would go after Aimee in their belief that she knew where I was.  I couldn't have a relationship with anyone. I couldn't say goodbye.  I left and everyone still thought the worst of me.  I couldn't keep Dodge from ending up in Azkaban.  Aimee was tortured.  Kreacher lived in horrid conditions.  I never got to help my family in any way.  All in the name of protection I ended up hurting them in the end.  Is that what you want to happen?" I inquired.  I knew it was not ht esame, but sitll.

I saw the pain that was still there after all these years.  I felt horrible for him to have to relive this just for my benefit.  "But, Uncle Reg... how would this end up hurting my dad?" I asked, not fully getting it.

I laughed a little bit and shook my head.  "Dean, you're pulling away from your dad.  That's causing him so much pain.  You wont' be ale to see it, ut it hurts when a child pulls away."  I finished my cup of coffee and decided that was enough for me.  I forced myself not to get another cup.  "It will hurt even you in the end.  Don't push him away in fear of bbeing the reason you lose him.  In a manner of speaking, you'd be the reason anyways."  I saw the look of understanding dawn on my nephew's face.  I smiled at him.

I understood what he was saying, I just was unsure what to do about it.  I returned his smile.  "I see," I said slowly.  "And let me guess... you think I'm eing stupid for being jealous about Dad not being at my wedding but being there for Lenni's?" I was sure that I would know his answer on that one.