Get ready cause I've had enough...You're gonna hear me roar. --1979

I knew that this had to be killing her, and I hated the way I was acting, I really did.  But then again, I just was so confused.  I had such mixed feelings.  I knew she wanted to -- probably needed to -- talk this out.  I took a deep breath and sighed.  "Tell you what... let me pour myself that drink and instead of going off and sulking by myself, we'll just dive right into it... there's no use putting off a discussion that is this important -- especially in times like these."  I would be a good husband; I would be supportive, I would listen... and then when I wanted to freak out, I would get a hold of Padfoot, Moony, and Wormtail.  That would be the way this would go.  I liked the sound of that.

I nodded, letting out a breath, I knew this was not going to be easy. By any means. It will be a fight. I let him pour himself a drink. He sat down across from me, " Why don't you want me to join the cause?" I asked him. I figured I would let him have the rant of the thousands of thoughts running in his head. It would also let me see his side more.

I took a drink and sat there, tapping my index finger against the side of my tumbler.  I was looking down at the table while I gathered my thoughts.  I looked back up at Lily, hoping that I was hiding the fear and pain well enough that she would not be overly concerned.  Here I was still trying to protect her.  "Lily... it's not necessarily that I don't want you to join the cause.  It's just... I want to do everything in my power to protect you.  I know, I know... you don't need protecting.  But, Lily, the things we are up against isn't just a bunch of Slytherin pricks that are trying to get back at us Gryffindors.  It's so much bigger than that.  I know you can handle yourself -- I've seen you handle yourself.  I have no doubt in my mind you can take care of yourself if I'm not around.  This is just so much different than anything any of us has ever had to deal with.  Sometimes me and the guys can't handle it let alone you or Ember or Chloe." I ran a hand through my hair and took another drink.  I closed my eyes when I said the next part.  "Lily, I just don't want to lose you.  I can't lose you.  And just stepping aside while you volunteer to put your life on the line... I can't do that.  I will put my feelings aside in the end; I know there's no point arguing with you when you make up your mind.  But I can't just do it without some sort of fight."  I opened my eyes and looked at her, tears blurring my vision slightly.  "I would never forgive myself if you got killed out there and all I did was sit back and do nothing.  I can't even bear the thought of losing you without getting emotional like this," I said, shaking my head and trying to laugh at myself.

I looked over to him and felt the tears welling in my eyes. " Honey, I know you're worried about me... I have that every time you leave the house...I know your protecting me and I love you for taking care of me. I love you for protecting me and always being there. If I can make sure that you are going to stay here for me....I will." I told him. Of course I wanted to join the cause for the good. I wanted to make sure my husband stayed. " It is a lot worse James I know...believe me... I see what it does to you...if I can take any of that weight off of you I will. I know you see it as just protecting me from what you see. I don't like saying I love you and good bye in the same sentence. " I told him. " I don't like thinking that could be the last time I tell you I love you. " I told him as I began to fidget.

" I wouldn't expect you to push the way you feel aside...I can't keep pushing myself aside. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want you thinking that I am this delicate little doll who can't do anything. James, I see Aurors all the time at the hospital. I don't want to know what I would do if you or Sirius or Remus ended up as one of my patients. " I wiped my eyes. The more we spoke I could see the more emotion leaving the both of us. " Don't laugh at yourself for showing emotion." I said looking over to him.

Getting up I walked over to the chair directly beside him. " No one really can expect things that you have already seen....James I know there are nights where you spend most of it brooding in the window. I want to help you anyway I can sweetheart."

I hated how we were both on the same page but at ocmpletely opposite ends at the same time.  I took hold of her hands and kissed them.  "Honey, I have never thought of you as delicate," I said, a smile playing at my lips.  "Stubborn, bull headed, a little crazy at times, yes... but never delicate."  I wanted to work on getting those tears from her eyes.  I guess I never really thought of what happened here after I left to do Order business.  I suppose it would be time I got a taste of it, since her mind was made up.  And really, I was so very proud of her for wanting to do this.  It just did not mean I had to be liking it commpletely.  I never realized that Lily was awake when I would stand by the window, unable to sleep.  Those were the nights that Moony or Padfoot would be off on their own little assignments... and sometimes it was just the fact of what was going on that kept me up at night.  Dumbledore was having Moony tap into his more wild side and I saw what it was doing to my dear friend.  He was never one to own up to the dark inside of him... I could only imagine what Chloe was going through with Remus.  I looked at Lily, bringing myself away from my thoughts.  "Lily, I won't ask you to not do this; I'm not going to force you to push yourself to the sidelines.  I know you're a woman of actoin -- it's one of the reasons you stole my heart the moment I saw you.  All I will ask you to do is to stay safe... whether it's at home or joining the Order," I told her quietly.

" You wonder where I honed my skills." I said with a little laugh, I know this was hard on him. " I know what it's been doing to you. James I see that you barely eat sometimes and then eat more than I can keep up with making. " I said. " Don't make it seem like I am an oblivious dolt. " I told him referring to the surprised look on his face when I told him I know he broods by the window. Laughing a little more, " I am a stubborn woman of action. " I agreed, I can't argue with him there. I know I'm bad.

Smiling, I nodded my head, " I promise I will be staying safe." I told him, " I know that's the same promise you made me." I pointed out, " To make sure you come home after your assignment...To make sure you at least told me if you were injured in anyway."

I took hold of her hand and kissed it. "I know... We just have to promise to always come home to each other," I said quietly, looking into her eyes. I loved her so much and I had no idea what I would do without her. And her joining the Order made me realize that I could so easily lose the one thing I held most dear to me.

I squeezed his hand, " That sounds like a plan to me." I told him as I gave him a light kiss. Looking into his eyes, " I won't be leaving you....ever." I told him. I wanted him to know that I would do everything I can.

I gave her a tight smile.  "Let me guess... you and Ems will end up being partners in crime when it comes to the Order," I said, shuddering at the thought of my girls putting their lives at risk.. but then agin, I felt bad for those who would be up against them.

Laughing, " You know it...but it will also be Chloe in there too. She's speaking with Remus about it. I fear she may have a fight on her hands as well..." I said as I looked to James. I know it kills him knowing I will be on the front lines with him. " She and I kind of agreed to speak to the both of you." I said as I led him over to the couch where I pushed him down and I sat beside him throwing my legs into his lap so I would be an obstacle. " So, tell me....Do I get to learn hand to hand combat?" I asked him. I figured I would learn something or am I going to just be the medic?"

I absentmindedly started to rub Lily's feet while we sat there.  it gave me something to do besides standing back up and pacing while trying to wrap my head around everything.  "That'll be up to Dumbledore," I said quietly.  I really hoped he would have her be just a medic, but I knew better.  Dumbledore loved Lily and had been asking me every now and then why she was not more involved than what she was already.  I looked at Lily.  "Chloe is speaking to Remus?  Tonight?" I inquired.  He just got back from being involved with the lowlifes that Dumbledore had him dealing with.  That meant that Boris was in charge and the darker side of Remus would be showing its face tonight; it would not be the Remus we were all used to.  Hopefully Chloe would see that and wait.  "We may need to run some interference... Moony will not be himself... his assignment gets to him and he just got back earlier..." I said.

I looked at him, " If she gets any vibes from Boris I am sure she'll notice. She does sleep with him hun." I said reassuringly. " You know she can read it and besides....she may just hold off....give her some credit..." I told him as I didn't mind the feet being rubbed.

I sighed and itched to stand back up to send word to Chloe to hold off no matter what.  Discussing this tonight was not an option -- even if Remus seemed alright.  he was so excellent at hiding things from people that he was getting too good at hiding things from all of us as well.  "Yeah, I know, Lily.  But still... Remus is good at hiding everything nowadays," I explained, sighing again.  Then I Looked at Lily and added, "You want me to not butt my nose into it, don't you?"

I rolled my eyes at him, " Yes, you shouldn't butt your nose in it.....Trust her instincts...if she feels something's up she won't do it.." I said he should know this by now. She does sleep with the man. " You know she does know him....and intimately....that's something you can't really say....I hope." I said with a smirk.

"We all have our secrets," I said winking at her.  But I could not even keep a straight face; none of us had ever done that.  "Alright, I'll trust Chloe's instincts... even if I think mine are better when it comes to Remus and his furry little problem."