My disguise and excuses have worn so thin -- Summer 1994

I was lost in my own thoughts while I watched Seth sleep.  He was nearly one and I could not believe it.  I needed to talk to Annette about the things that I have been feeling lately.  I had no idea what was going on.  I had a one year old son with Annette -- both of whom I love very much.  But I was just coming to the realization that though I loved Annette, I was not in love with Annette.  I had wanted to make this work for Seth's sake... but it was not good for him to see his parents pretending, either.  I heard Annette's voice, but not what she said.  I stood up and left my son's bedroom making sure that the monitor was on so I could hear if he woke up.  "What was that, Ann?" I asked, seeing her in the hallway and giving her a smile.

"Have you gotten any ideas for themes for little man's birthday party?" I asked him, thinking that I would love to do something that had nothing to do with dragons or Quidditch.  I was hoping that he would like to do teddy bears or something.  But I knew Bill and his family... they would want something much more extravagant when it came to a theme for the first birthday party of the first grandchild.  I was holding one of Seth's stuffed animals that I was in the process of putting away.

I was glad that we would be talking about Seth rather than us.  I knew I was being distant; I was sure that Annette thought that it was due to her coming back to work in the next few weeks.  That had nothing to do with it... I was glad that she was going back to work.  I just was not sure how I was feeling towarsd her right now.  She also wanted us to get some alone time... but I was not up for any of that.  "I would love to do dragons," I commented.  I enjoyed thinking of the birthday party for my son.  It was a lot easier to think about that than what I was feeling.

I laughed and shook my head while walking to put the toy into the chest we had in the living room.  "How did I know you'd say that?" I teased, grinning at Bill.  He had been distant lately and I had no idea why.  I was not sure if it was due to worry that we both would be working in a dangerous field or if it was something else.  Part of me wanted to know exactly what the problem was, but part of me did not.  And that told me it ha nothing to do wiht me going back to work.

"What's so wrong with dragons?" I inquired.  I guess it was predictable, but still.  I grinned at her and helped finish putting away all of Seth's toys.  For a child who barely knows how to walk, he sure can spread his toys all over the place.  When we thought we had everything put away, though I was sure that we would find a toy somewhere we would never expect to find one, I closed the lid on the trunk.  "I'm gonna make a sandwich, want one?" I asked her, walking towards the kitchen and pulling out some lunch meat and bread.

I nodded smiling a thanks to my boyfriend.  I followed him to the kitchen and poured us each some lemonade.  We started to eat in silence.  We finished eating and we continued to plan Seth's party.  Bill finally got me to concede to agree to a dragon birthday party for him.  It was so predictable!  But I understood that Bill wanted this to be as special for Seth as I wanted... so who cared what the theme was really?  We stood up and I figured I would go out on a limb.  I put our plates in the sink and I turned around while Bill put the glasses in the sink as well.  We were mere inches away from each other.  I put a hand on his chest and went up on my toes to give him a kiss.  It had been a long time since we had been together... probably around six months.  I did not know why he pulled away lately... but I was going to try to bring us back together.

I knew what Annette wanted.  I did not want to lead her on, but I still had no idea what I wanted.  It was not fair to her for me to continue leading her on like this.  I kissed her, but pulled away from her.  I went to walk away to go check on Seth when Annette's hand on my shoulder stopped me.  "What?" I asked, though I knew the answer.  I did not want to fight.  I had no idea what I would even say to her.

I kept my hand on his arm and turned him so he faced me.  "Bill, what's going on?  You've been so distant lately... I don't know what to do," I said softly, looking at him with concern on my face.  I really hoped that we would not have to fight, but I was not sure that was going to happen.  I just wanted my Bill back...

I did not want to fight either; especially when I did not know what all was going through my head right now, anyways.  I knew that my heart did not belong with Annette, but how on earth would I be able to go to where my heart was?  I could not; not with Seth.  There was no way I was going to be that far away from Seth and no way I was going to take him away from his mother.  I shook my head.  "I've just been tired; I'm sorry, Ann," I said to her softly, cupping her face in my hand.  I tilted my head and kissed her.  Might not be the best idea in the world, but I kissed her passionately, pressing her up against the counter... I lifted her up onto the counter top and slid my hands up under her shirt.

I knew I had started it, but I did not want to dismiss his feelings just to be intimate with each other.  So this time, I pulled away.  "Bill, I'm serious," I said gently.  "You can talk to me about what's going on... I know something isn't right."

Why did she have to do that?  I sighed and shook my head.  "Really, Ann, it's nothing to worry about," I assured her, rubbing my hands against her thighs.

I leaned my forehead against him.  "Bill, why are you pulling away from me?  You are, so don't deny it.  What is going on?" I inquired.

I sighed, taking a half step back from Annette.  "I've just been stressed and tired, Ann," I said to her, not entirely ready to tell her everything that had been on my mind.

This was definitely getting us nowhere.  I sighed and jumped down from the counter.  "Alright," I said, not pushing the issue further.  I walked away from him -- with some difficulty -- to go check on the twins.

I sighed, letting her leave me standing in the kitchen.  I felt like such a fool.  I could not believe that I was letting myself hurt her.  I splashed water on my face and heard the kids start fussing.  she was going to need help.  I walked over to their room and grabbed Ros while she took hold of Seth.