Find a way to smile and never let it get away...TBD

We were going to the ultrasound to figure out how our baby is doing. I had been so excited to know how it was doing. We had got to St. Mungo's and we were in the waiting room. I had been so anxious all I could do was hold Bill's hand. I didn't say a word, then they called us into the room where I got on the bed and laid back. Waiting for the Healer to come in, what felt like forever she finally came in and said hello. " Hi,"

I remembered how I felt when I first saw Seth on the ultrasound... and I could not wait to see this little baby.  Dora seemed extremely nervous and I kissed her hand to reassure her.  I was sure everything was fine.  It was probably just nerves for this being her first time.  At least this time around I had only pure excitement and none of the fears or nerves; it was great, actually.  I was standing by Dora's side as she laid on the bed, my hand still in hers.  I smiled at the Healer.  "Hey," I said.  I really did not want any small talk; I wanted to get this on the road so I could see our child on the screen -- even though it would be so tiny... I could not help but wonder if I would have to point it out to Dora... Annette had to point it out to me at least half a dozen times as I kept losing where Seth had been.  "I think I speak for both of us when I say let's get this going... not to be rude or anything, but I'm just really kind of excited," I said, giving a slight chuckle.

To which the healer smiled, saying she gets that all the time. She started to hook the machines up and we waited. She put the goo on my stomach. " It's cold..." I said as I smiled, trying to read her face. " So?" I asked. She looked as though something was wrong. She said she would be right back. " Wh.." I said as she seemed to come back in a flash with the Head Healer. Who put the equipment back on my stomach. She put it down, " I'm sorry....sometimes this happens..There is no heart beat. I am so sorry Mrs. Weasley, Mr. Weasley." She said as she put the equipment down and said, " In a couple of months you can try again..." She left us alone. I felt like an empty shell. Tears filling my eyes as I didn't know what to do.

I sensed that something had changed when the healer first stared at the monitor.  When the Head Healer came in and told us the news, I felt like someone ripped out a piece of me.  I did not know what to do.  I instinctively put my arms around Dora the best that I could since she was on the bed.  I kissed the top of my wife's head.  I was not even sure if it had even hit Dora yet or not... I know for myself it almost seemed as though it were not real, though I knew it was.

I felt empty, I pulled my shirt over my stomach as I walked out with Bill as we left the hospital. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I really let my child die...what kind of person am I....I wiped my eyes. " Where are we going?" I asked my husband almost at a whisper in fear of my volume would make me cry.

"We're going home," I said softly.  I was glad that Mum had offered to watch Seth.  Of course she was expecting us to com eover with the great news right after the appointment, but I knew she would keep Seth for as long as necessary.  Which, right now, was at least for the rest of the day.  I needed to focus my attention on Dora.  I was worried about her more than myself right now.  And what scared me was the fact that I was not sure what I could do to help her.

I nodded to him, when we got home. I pt my bag down on the floor and hung up my cloak. I walked over to the couch and sat down. Loki came to see me and he simply put his head on my lap. I pet him and put my head on his as I started to cry.

It broke my heart to hear Dora's tears.  I left her alone in the living room for a moment with Loki and I went to the kitchen.  I jotted Mum a quick note about Seth and sent it out wiht our owl.  I leaned against the counter for a moment.  I felt the tears come to my eyes and I blinked them back.  I would have to be there for Dora right now.  I made us some tea, moving slowly because I realized I was shaking.  I walked back to the living room and sat on the couch next to my wife, setting the tea on the coffee table, not sure if we would even drink any.  "Dora..." I started to say, wanting to comfort her but finding that I had no idea of how to even begin.  Instead of finishing that thought, I put my arm around her.  It seemed like Loki was doing a good job of helping her right now... I wondered if she wanted to be alone with our puppy... I had no idea if I was doing more harm than good right now.

I felt the warmth from Bill as I let the tears fall. " I couldn't protect them..." I said into Loki's head. I felt terrible. " I'm a shell...." looking over to Bill, " I'm so sorry.." I said as I through my arms around him.

I pulled Dora close to me and I kissed her head.  "Honey, it's not your fault," I said, my heart breaking.  She could not think that; there was nothing she could have done differently that would have changed what had happened.  My tears came to my eyes and I let them fall.  I could not stop them.  I wanted to be strong for Dora, but we were both hurting so much and there was nothing I could do about it.  I took a few deep breaths to keep myself somewhat steady for my wife.

I just needed him to be near me. I couldn't put words into sentences. I looked down to Loki who knew to be there for us. He just laid his head on my lap looking up at the two of us. " I'm sorry..." I said quietly. I didn't know what to do. " We should go get Seth?" I asked Bill. Or just us to be with family for a couple of days.

I squeezed her closer to me and kissed her forehead.  "It's not your fault, Dora.  You don't need to apologize," I assured her.  I knew that she would continue to blame herself, though.  But she did not need to... I sighed.  "I didn't tell Mum anything just that she might need to watch Seth for a little longer... but I don't care what we do.  If you want to go and stay there, I will go pack us a few things in a bag and we can go.  Whatever you need, babe."

I nodded to my husband, " We could go there...if you don't mind is all. The creek is really calming. Do you think your mum would mind if we brought Loki with us?" I asked him because I wanted us to have company but not to have company. I didn't want to keep Bill away from anyone. It wasn't fair to him. Looking up to meet his eyes, just for us to be with family.." I said quietly.

I leaned forward and kissed Dora on the forehead.  "You know she won't mind about Loki," I said to her softly.  I stood up and ran a hand through my hair.  "I'll go grab a few things... then we can go," I added, feeling a little lost.  I really had no idea how to handle this.  I mean... how would one handle this?  I did not have the faintest clue.  I felt like I had a hole missing from me now... and yet I wanted to not worry about me and focus on Dora at the same time.  I put some clothes in a couple of bags for us and Seth.  I knew Seth would love to stay at Nan and Pops for a little while... but I had no idea how we would even begin to tell the others what had happened.  I knew the one person I wanted to see right then and that was my dad.  I always felt like I had a close bond with him and all Iwanted was to hear him say that it would be okay.  Then I might actually start believing it.

I nodded, " Thank you.." I said to him quietly as I stood up and felt cramping. The healer told me I would feel like this for a couple of days. It was...leaving my system. I felt fresh tears fall as I started to gather things for Loki. I knew Seth would be glad Loki was with us. I felt like an empty shell I know Bill said it wasn't my fault. It sure didn't feel like that. I had gotten my cloak on and waited for Bill to come before I got Loki on the leash.