I just want you to know who I am -- Winter 1996

After my overdose, they wanted me to go hoem.  So I was getting an extra week of vacation but that meant more make up exams when I got back.  I really did not enjoy being home.  Mum and Dad were driving me nuts... well, more Mum than Dad.  I knew I scared everyone -- including myself.  I had not meant to do it... but when your mind was not functioning properly, sometimes things happened.  I knew I was not going to deal with drugs any time soon -- or hopefully ever again.  I was not too concerned with alcohol, that was not what screwed me up, it was the drugs.  I holed up in my room except to eat and to use the bathroom.  I tried to eat when my parents were not eating.  Between not wanting to deal with questions, I also did not want to deal with the looks that I would be getting from Mum.  I hated the awkward silences that passed between any of us.  I was at least able to talk to Dad a bit... but it was probably all too soon to be dealing with any of this for any one of us. 

I went downstairs when I thought I would be in the clear and I saw my mother.  And she saw me... great.  I still had to do that New Year's party she loved throwing.  I really did not want to see anyone.  I felt horrible and I did not want them to be looking at me so differently like I knew it would happen.But at the moment, there was no way to avoid mum.  I smiled at her and started making a sandwich for myself.  I figured she would leave by now but it seemed like she was just lurking there.  I set down the knife I used to pile mustard onto the bread with lunch meat and said "Go for it.  I know you're dying to."  I turned and looked at her, just waiting for her to start yelling at me or something.

I was watching Dean as he made his sandwich.  I had been so worried about him since he has been home... but I had barely seen him.  I could not believe what he was doing about his breakup.  It was ridiculous.  "I'm ont going to yell at you or anything, Dean," I told my son.  It was harder to talk to him now than it was when he constantly argued about his father with me.

Okay, this was freaking me out.  Why did she not want to even yell at me?  I took a bite of my sandwich and I sat down.  I really expected her to start talking to me, but she started to walk out of the kitchen.  "Where are you going?" I asked, slightling confused.  Why did she not yell at me?  And if she was not going to ell then why not talk?

I stopped in the doorway and turned slightly to see my son.  I had a hand on the doorframe and one hand on my hip.  "Dean... I figured you wanted to be left alone," I said.  I was not completely angry with him... mainly disappointed.  I just did not understand what he had done or why.

I set my sandwich down and stared at my mother.  "I'm down here with you... why would I not want to talk?" I asked.  Okay, initially I really did not want to come down to talk.  But the fact that she did not even want to be in teh same room with me... that just was not Mum.  I knew I messed up... but still.  I could not believe it.

I sighed and faced my son completely, crossing my arms.  "You are just full of contradictions," I told him.  "You've been avoiding us since you got hom and now you only want to talk because I'm leaving.  In what way is this normal?  You are... no.  I said I wouldn't do this."  I really did not want to argue about anything right now.  I knew Dean was not in a good place and I was not going to push him.  Even though I just wanted to yell at him about everything.  I wanted answers as to why I nearly lost my son.

I wanted her to, though.  I knew it would make me feel better and I thought it would help her as well.  I stood up ignoring the rest of my sandwich.  "I know you want to talk to me about everything.  Ask me whatever you want.  I don't care what you want to know, I'll answer," I said.

I sighed.  "Dean, it's not necessary to get into everything," I said, shaking my head at my son.  I really did not want to get into a shouting match with him.  I wanted to make sure the coming party would go without a hitch.  I really did not want my son to ruin the party.  I really did not want to make it a dry party, though I would if I had to watch if dean wanted to do anything else with his problems.  I was not about to let him do another damn thing to ruin his life.

I rolled my eyes.  I tossed my sandwich in the garbage and started to walk out of the kitchen.  I stopped and turned to look at my mum.  "I'm going out... I'm tired of being stuck in here.  Just so you know," I told her.  I was just tired of being cooped up here for their constant supervision.  I knew I broke the trust... but Merlin, give me the chance to earn it back.

This child was going to drive me nuts.  "Dean, you can't go anywhere.  We've already discussed this when you got home early.  This isn't a vacation," I said, knowing that he would get angry so I braced myself.

I turned to look at her.  "I'm going to Auntie Chloe's and Uncle Remus's.  She would probably carry a decent conversation with me," I said getting irritated.  Why was she being such a pain?  I clearly was open to talking to someone.  And if Mum was not going to talk, then I knew Auntie Chloe always helped.  The great thing about the Lupins -- they hardly judged me.  Probably because they were not my parntes.  That always made a big difference.

I sighed and pushed my hair from my face.  I really wanted to keep an eye on him, but Chloe would do that for me.  I just really was concerned about if he would go straight there or if he would detour.  I just knew I was not going to be able to make him stay either.  I sighed.  "Okay... only if you let me know when you get there and when you leave," I told him.  I knew how long it took to get places and especially there.  Whether he Apparated, walked, took his bike (even though he was grounded from that this week), anything.

I bit my tongue and I was trying to be understanding about the nosiness.  "Fine," I said, grabbing my cloak.  I knew I was going to walk there and home since I was not allowed on my bike.  I was not about to push my luck with Mum right now.I was going to tak eas much time as I could.  "I'm walking," I added as I walked out the front door.  I pulled out a regular cigarette and smoked it on the way.  The bad thing about not doing drugs, I needed to do something with my hands.  So now I had nicotine.  So awesome.  I walked up to the house and just walked in.  "Hello?" I called out as I sent my patronus to my own mother so she knew I was there.

I had been in our bedroom when I heard the door open and Dean's voice echo. Putting my laundry down, I walked down to see our godson. " Hi, Dean." I said with a smile, knowing he is probably here to get away from Em and Sirius. Seeing the agitated look, " Send word back?" I asked him. I gave him a hug and walked into the kitchen to make some tea. This is how this usually went, kids come here we make tea. Then we chat about what was usually bothering them. Once the kettle was going, " So, what's up?" I asked him as I waited for it to boil.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.  "I know I've made my fair share of mistakes lately... but it's like no one is even listening to me.  I don't deserve anyone's trust right now... I would just like the chance to be able to earn it back and regain it.  I'm tired of the way Mum looks at me and how she's stepping on eggshells around me just waiting for me to crack.  It took a lot to get me to the point I was at, so it's going to take even more now to get me back there.  I just... I just don't know what I can do, Auntie Chlo, and it's killing me."  I was surprised that I had to fight back tears when I admitted not knowing what to do... I always had a plan of action.  I always had some vague idea of what i was going to be doing next in any situation.  I didn't like not knowing and it scared me.  But even more than that, I was scared that I had pushed everyone away for too long that no one would want to help me or be around me or to have our relationships... I knew it would take time, but I wanted to try to make ammends and no one was letting me.