The only enemy you can't live without. TBD

The holiday break was the most tension filled I have ever felt against my brother. He has told me to leave him and not to care. Then that's exactly what I would do. I still wanted to make Winters pay for supplying this to him in the first place. I had been in my room, just thinking. I needed my brother, I wanted to be able to turn to him again and know we can be there for each other. It just felt weird not being able to talk to Dean. I wasn't going to give up though. He was going to talk to me.

I was trying to do something to keep my mind busy while in my room.  I think that this was the most clean my room has been in forever.  It was immaculate.  To be honest, I found a hidden spot in my closet and I found old letters from my Uncle Regulus must have written.  This was his old room after all.  I did not want to read them, but I had gone through all of my leisurely reading.  I wanted to send this one letter to whoever Aimee Thomas was... I was definitely going to give Dad his.  I did not read Dad's, though.  I grabbed his letter and took a deep breath;  I needed to be able to live in my own house.  I walked out of my room and figured if I ran into Elena, I would ignore her.  That was what she wanted anymore, too.

I had wanted to get something to eat, I put on George's sweater as I left my room not exactly sure what I wanted to eat. I bumped into Dean, I gave a quick glance to make sure I didn't hurt him or anything as I did a slight stumble back. Then I walked down the stairs, there was so much I wanted to say to him. I just don't know if I can.

I reached out for Lenni's arm, but stopped short from grabbing her.  "Hey," I said, finding it extremely hard to even talk to her.  I really did not know what to say next.  I had to figure something out, though.  And fast.  I knew how quickly this could escalate with the two of us.  We were both hot headed people who seemed to enjoy shouting at each other.  "It wasn't on purpose.  It wasn't like I was trying to kill myself or anything.  I know it scared you... finding me.  I know I was a jerk.  But there were a lot of things going on in my head... I just couldn't talk to anyone about it.  And yeah, I know you're going to start yelling at me now... so get it over with so we can move past the hating each other part."  I stood there, waiting for her to start.  I was sure that she was going to.

I stopped as he spoke, " Dean, you asked me to stop caring...." I said quietly. I would do my best to not scream at him. As much as I did. " I felt like I lost you....from being my brother.." I said weakly. " You're damn right it's not the thing you should've turned too. " I said as I looked up to him. Walking back up, I opened my room door again. " You know, it did scare me to find you like that...it also hurt when trying to help you just ignored everyone....and I mean everyone...except for the one who got you to that point. " I said calmly. I am not going to shout at him.

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair.  "The only reason that I did any of that was because Morgan was the only person wh odidn't want to talk about it.  I didn't want to talk.  I just wanted to forget about it.  I didn't want to think about everything.  Uncle REmus, you, Mum... everyone wanted me to talk about it.  You all thought you knew best... well, sure, you might've known best for you.  But what was best for me?  I try to be strong for everyone, Lenni.  That's what I did with Addison... and it still didn't work.  I wasn't with her for any of it.  Mum was.  No one can know what I feel about that.  No one.  Our entire family is filled with people who can actually succeed in protecting the ones they care about.  Then there's me."  I took a deep breath to make sure that I was not raising my voice at her.  "And now, I feel completely alone.  Yeah, I know half of it is my fault.  But with me feeling completely alone and turning to what I turned to... one would think that maybe more than just Dad would be making an effort here.  But you know what?  I am grateful that I'm only talking to him.  I have a relationship with him now... but I do miss you and Mum.  Just don't expect me to tolerate the looks the two of you give me every time I see you.  We've all made mistakes -- some worse than others.  I have always seen past yours... protected you whether I thought you were right or wrong.  I'm not expecting you to protect me... but... you know, never mind."  I shook my head.  Maybe I could not do this... I thought I could... but no.  I turned away from Elena and headed back towards my room.  I just was not sure if I could talk to her without yelling or getting angry.  I watned to get past us being mad at each other or anything like that... she did not understand and it was difficult for me to explain what was going through my head.  To be honest, after the first couple of times using, I cannot even tell anyone what I had been thinking to keep me using.

I shook my head, " Dean...sit down....please...." I asked him. " I know that it was tough....hell I saw what it did to you. " I explained. " I went on trying to pass yours when you said you were trying. I knew you were trying....the only time I got really mad is when you seemed to have given up." I said. " Going through losing a child is tough. Dean, look at what happened to mum....maybe that's why Addison turned to her. " I said as a known fact mum could have related.

Sighing running a hand through my hair. " You know I want to get past this too. I miss you." I said to him. " I need to have you around again. You're annoyingly hard to ignore." I said with a slight smile. " It makes it hard when your beside me. To know that you were going through a hard time the time I tried to protect you. you told me to stop. So, being conflicted figuring it would be bad to push and push until something like that happened. When I found you I was scared Dean....I was petrified. I was panicky then I got mad. " I said looking at him. " I wanted to know why after everything you have gone through it seemed to be easy for you to give up to something that was easier. Something that made you forget what pain you were in and it wasn't a good thing to do. " I said wiping my eyes. " I hated seeing you look like that when all I wanted to do was help you. Figure out a way to save you the way you do for me. After trying it seemed almost pointless for me to try." I said. " You take on being strong for everyone. " I said " It is the way you are you have to protect everyone from themselves and other points in their life. " I said, knowing exactly how he is with scenarios.

" To know that when the time got rough you put everyone's stress on yourself and then it just reached to a boiling point." I put my hair into a pony tail. " I just don't want to see you look like that again. I was hurt and confused. " I explained. " I was lost I normally go to you for advice. After seeing you broken by drugs...it hurt. To the point of me not knowing what to do and it scared me. For that I'm sorry.."

I had sat down when I was surprised she asked me to.  As she spoke, she brought tears to my eyes.  I looked at my sister.  "Lenni... I was a first class arse, you don't need to apologize."  I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair, trying to fight back the tears.  "The thing that's so stupid about all of this is that none of it worked... I was walking around trying to pretend that, yeah, it worked to keep everything off of my mind...  I even tried to focus on school on top of everything... nothing worked.  I felt -- hell, I still feel like I am nothing.  I couldn't do a damn thing for the love of my life... I couldn't do a damn thing for an innocent child.  And then when I tried to make things better, it just blew up in my face.  I was feeling so empty that when I started hanging out with Morgan she took some stuff and I joined her.  It numbed it for a decent amount of time... then after that it was a spiral effect downwards."  I took a deep breath to try to keep tears from coming out of my eyes, but to no avail.  I wiped them away and shook my head slightly.  "I couldn't stop.  I wanted to.  I knew how you and Uncle Remus and Mum and Dad would all think and what you did think.  In some sick twisted way the fact that I didn't want to deal with the way you all would look down on me like I was nothing made me keep using more because I was too scared to deal with the way you and Mum have been treating me since I overdosed."

This was really the most I had opened up about any of this to anyone but Dad.  I hated to unload on my sister -- she was supposed to be the one unloading on me.  But maybe therein lied the problem... why did I always think that I had to be strong for everyone else?  Who was going to be strong for me?  I tried to play hero and savior or whatever... I needed to stop.  "Now, I don't blame you one bit for treating me like dirt.  I treated you like shit, Lenni.  I know I did.  I never thought I would treat you that badly -- not even when we were at each other's throats.  Even then I had limits... I don't like the fact that I can't fix anything... I can't take away anyone's pain -- not even my own.  I just feel like a complete failure right now... and I guess I should.  I am one."  I was looking down more at the floor.  I did not want to see the look that was on Elena's face.  I was sure that it would be something that I would not want to see.

I smiled, " You know that I am always going to be here....no matter what. Even if you were a huge pain in the arse." I said as I tried to make my brother grin. It was my job. " You don't always have to be the strong one to protect everyone. Dean, with things getting so bad what do you think we're here for. " I pointed out to him. With him pushing everyone awayit was hard to do but I left him alone for that amount of time. " I accept your apology." I said as I pulled my hair back. " It just felt like I had lost you...." I said looking over to him. I shook my head, " Dean, you're not a failure...." I told him. My brother really felt like this? I just wanted to pick everything up for him. I know that my brother likes to protect everyone but sometimes he may need it.

I looked up at Lenni, tears really close to falling.  I tried to give her at least a half smile.  "Lenni, you will never lose me," I said to her, though it seemed like an empty promise at the moment after what had just happened.  "And you did help me... remember that night in the common room?  We talked.  That was one of th efew times I was actually sober in the past six months or so... you said things would work out and that Addie and I were meant for each other.  I don' tknow if that's true, but I'm not going screw up my chances anymore... with her or with any of you guys.  I have been a fool and, I know you deny it, a failure."  I ran a hand through my hair.  "I'm glad you deny it, though, Lenni... I need someone to see the light in me because right now I see nothing but darkness and all of my mistakes I've made."

I nudged him lightly, " Good, you git..." I said with a smile. " I am always going to be a pain in the arse too. " I pointed out, " I mean, really....you think I would butt out for that long?" I asked him. " I will always see the light in people Dean....it's what I do...even if the light has to be beaten out of them...I try to lend a hand. " I said as I laughed as his reaction. "And for the Addie thing....we will just have to wait and see. I know you two belong together...just a matter of when."

<< Merlin, it's hard to write this when in the other thread he is so angry at Addie! lol >>

I chuckled and shook my head.  "Yeah, you do always lend that hand after you've beaten the light out of someone," I teased, glad that Elena and I were on speaking terms again.  I really had missed her so much.  "You've got too much of Mum in you to butt out... to be honest, I'm surprised she hasn't tried to butt in to get us to talk to each other before now."  I did not even want to think about Addison right now.  I loved her... and like Lenni said, it was only a matter of when.  There was no point in trying to force anything to happen.