I knew I loved you---- 4 October 1980

After all the hesitation, I had gone to his wedding after all.  I needed to see my son.  It took everything I had to find him again and then to realize that he was getting married?  I wanted to make things right with him... I had stayed in the back during the ceremony so he and John would not see me.  My ex-husband looked to be so happy as well.  He found someone else it appeared and she had a daughter -- or perhaps it was his as well.  I did, after all, have a young daughter now, too.

Tears were in my eyes as I watched my son get married.  And now it was the celebration.  I could not stay much longer; I would not be able to handle it.  By the looks of things, I also had a grandson -- I heard some people talking.  I walked towards the beautiful bride and took a deep breath.

"You look so beautiful," I said to her, hiding the teary eyes as much as I could.  "And the two of you... are just so happy together."  

A mother could ask for nothing more for her son, though I was not going to say that.  By the way the one young girl reacted five years ago to me, the story floating around my disappearance had the blame placed upon me and not my son.  And that was okay.  I regretted mya ctions that day ever since; I needed to find a way to make that up to him.  I hoped my wedding gift would suffice for a bit of time; I knew how hard it had to be for Remus to find work and such... and with a young child on top of it.

I laughed at Penny and James.  Nothing made me happier than seeing everyone with smiles on their faces at times like these.  Especially Remus.  He needed times like these.  I knew that he was having a rough time going under cover for the Order -- not many people knew what he was doing -- but it was worth it.  He was fighting for a better world for his little boy. 

Watching the guests, I felt my breath be taken away from me when I saw a face I had not seen in ten years.  She was speaking to Chloe.  Her blonde hair had turned gray, but her blue eyes still shone brightly -- even across the room.  She was wearing a gray dress that had some pink accents -- along with matching jewelry.  She always was one for looking stunning -- most the time without even trying.  My heart ached for her.  Hope was always my first true love; I loved Cathie dearly.  I loved her so much and we had a daughter together.  But Hope was always the question mark... what if I had stayed with her?  What if I made Remus go back?  What if we had stayed a family?

It seemed as though I could not hear the music any longer when Hope turned slightly while speaking with the bride and I could still recognize the signs:  She was holding back tears.  And that was when I felt a hand on my shoulder.  I looked over and realized it was my son.  It was impossible to read his face.  "Remus, let her be," I said to him, my voice sounding much unlike my own.  "I don't know how she's here... it would just be best, however, to leave it alone."  I knew that my son would not listen to me, though.

While chatting with Sirius, my eyes were wandering, trying to find my bride.  I just wanted to keep her in my arms.  I knew that I could not do that.  I just wanted to stay with her instead of having to go away in a few days' time to go back to the pack.  While I was looking for Chloe -- which was not too hard since she was the only one in white -- my eyes found Dad.  The look on his face made me very concerned; I had only seen it a few times before.  I put a hand on Sirius's shoulder.  "I've got to check Dad," I said to him, leaving him behind me.

I cold tell that Dad was paying attention to no one... or so it appeared.  That was when I saw her with Chloe.  My mother.  I stared at them, watching them speak.  Chloe was at least being polite but she may not realize who she was.  It was not like I had pictures of my mother out.  It had always been too painful to look at the pictures of us as a family.  Everyone assumed it was because she left us.  I never corrected them.  I put a hand on Dad's shoulder, for support... and to perhaps get him to talk some sense into me as I was going to go over to them.  I had to.  How could I not?

Dad told me to let it be... leave her alone.  I would be the bigger person; I would not treat her the way she treated me at her second wedding.  I wanted to know what she wanted; why was she there?  I squeezed Dad's shoulder and walked forward; I heard Dad's heavy sigh as he knew that I was going to start something.  Whenever it dealt with Mum, neither one of us hardly ever thought clearly.  I took a deep breath and put an arm around Chloe, looking at the woman who used to tuck me into bed every night; the woman who used to kiss me through tears every single full moon, wishing she could be with me each month while I endured the change.

"Hello, Mother," I said to her politely, tensing slightly.  I was prepared for Chloe's reaction and I knew that everyone would end up getting curious about this.

I stopped dancing with Penny and hoisted her up when I saw -- well, almost felt -- Remus tense.  Oh, Merlin... what was going on?  I tried to act normal with Penny, but I was not going to stop from watching this scene.  "Penny, the babies are sleeping!  we're not waking them."

I was dancing with Lily and then I stopped, seeing someone I did not think I would ever see again. "Oh... Lily... Remus's mum," I said aloud.  I could not believe that I just said that.  But... it was his mum!  What was she doing there?  I felt an instant pang of guilt at knowing more than James or sirius about remus's relationship with his mother, but at least they all knew how I might know that.

I jumped slightly when my son greeted me.  I had not expected him to acknowledge who I was.  "Remus," I said, my voice full of love.  "I was just saying how lovely everything is... I'm so proud of you."  Tears were in my eyes; I treated him harshly when he found me at my wedding.  I wanted to just be there for him.  And then he actually came up to me.  I smiled at him, not entirely sure what he would do.

I felt many eyes on me and my mother; I did not want to have this conversation in front of everybody.  I gave Chloe a swift kiss on the cheek.  I took hold of my mother and actually took her out to have a dance rather than kicking her out.  The song was slow and I started to dance with Mum the way a son should dance with his mother on his wedding day.  "Why are you here?" I asked her quietly, trying to hide my contempt and make it look as though we were having a nice dance.  "You made it clear at your wedding that you had moved on from your old life," I said softly.  the pain in my voice was rather evident.

His words were harsh, but his voice was not.  It was laced with pain and I knew how much I had hurt him.  "I am so sorry that I spoke like that," I said to him.  I was very ashamed by the way I behaved.  "I was stunned when you had showed up... I did not know what to do.  You're the ones who left me..."  I swayed with my son, having mixed feelings about this dance.  I had hoped to have a moment wiht him... but this was not exactly the type I wanted.

I held onto her, though I took a bit of a step away from her.  "Of course I left!  I was ten!  And scared!  And I nearly killed you," I said to her, my voice rising slightly.  "We were protecting you from me.  You can't blame Dad for leaving; he knew that he had a choice to make... he would have lost me or you.  I was willing ot lose both of you to protect you both from the prejudice we already faced.  Dad wasn't about to leave me.  So he did the best he could in an impossible situation."  We had stopped dancing in the middle of the dance floor.  In my peripheral vision, I could see the guys with Chloe, Ember, and Lily.  Dad was on the other side by himself.

I had so many mixed emotions when it came to the divorce with John.  He had not met with me about the papers that needed signed; everything had been sent by post.  I had put pieces together over the years -- especially with what was said at my wedding.  I knew that I had first seen my son and felt all the anger and sadness that had been bottled up before.  the anger had gotten the best of me then, but now, it was just the sadness and longing to have a relationship with my son.

"I didn't blame either one of you for what happened," I said to him quietly, knowing that we were both being watched.  "I blamed myself for not being able to find you, for not being there for you.  That responsibility should never have been placed on your shoulders, Remus.  and the fact that you thought you needed to protect your mother... that's what was wrong.  I was a very capable woman and I loved you very much.  I cared not what you were -- I still don't.  What I cared about was the fact that I did not think that you or your father loved me.  You didn't even say goodbye; no one explained it to me.  I was left in St. Mungo's and never heard from either one of you again.  I am sorry that I got upset with you when you came to see me five years ago, Remus.  I truly am."

she looked for us?  I never even thought of that.  I swallowed down the tears and emotion that I felt rising within me; I had gotten good at that.  "Many things happened -- some you knew about and others I kept from both of you -- during those nights... but when I hurt you, I could barely live with myself," I said to her.  I had let go of her by then and we just stood there sort of arguing in the middle of the dance floor.  This was everything I had hoped she would say when I found her five years ago... but she had not.  She got angry and upset.  Now that she was here saying these things?  I had no idea how to handle them.  I was not prepared for this.

My eyes moved down to where the scars still lingered on her neck.  "I would never have been able to see those marks on your neck without feeling greatly ashamed and guilty," I continued.  My fingers brushed against the marks delicately and I backed away a little bit more.  "They still do.  I cannot do this.  Never doubt that I loved you, but I made my decision and you made your stance very clear before.  One does not just change like that.  Goodbye," I said, leaning forward and at least giving he ra kiss on the cheek before leaving. I walked out of the hall and into the brisk night.  I was sure someone would follow me, but I hoped they would give me a few minutes alone.  I found a bench and sat down on it, putting my face in my hands.

Seeing that episode I left the hall and found my husband. Sitting down beside him I put my hand around him. I didn't want him to be alone. I would let him open up to me.

I rubbed my face in a tired sort of way and then dropped my hands, looking over to see that it was my new wife that came to me.  I reached over and took her hand, squeezing it gently.  "I'm sorry," I said to her, knowing that me almost shouting at my mother was not what she would want on her wedding day.  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, pushing everything down like I always did when it came to Hope Howell.  "we ought to get back in there... it is our reception after all."  

I was not entirely sure if Chloe would let me get away with dismissing something like this.  I was not entirely sure what all they could hear over the music of what was said.  I knew, however, that they could see the looks on our faces.  I did not even want to imagine what had come across mine; my mother's face had been sadness mixed with hope.  I finally made myself look into Chloe's blue eyes, though, because it would tell me whether or not my dismissal had worked.  She would be able to read the pain and guilt in my eyes; I still had nightmares about what I had done.  Sometimes I would wake up and brush Chloe's neck ever so gently with my fingertips to make sure my dream had not really happened.  It haunted me every single day; that was one reason I was so hesitant to admit that I had fallen in love with Chloe.  I had not wanted to hurt her the way I hurt everyone that I had ever loved.

Looking into her eyes, I felt like the scared, lost little boy I had been back then.  I realized that I feared that if she had heard the truth that she would want to run.  that she realized she made a terrible mistake.  that she would take Will and go... or leave Will and me to protect herself. I would not blame her for doing such a thing, though.  I was shaking, but it was only on the inside.  To her, I must have seemed somewhat strong -- except for my eyes.  Chloe could always tell what was really going on inside of my head just by looking into my eyes.  It was like a gift she had.

I stood there after Remus said goodbye to me.  Well, that could have been worse... but it could have been far better.  I took a shaky breath and kept my chin held high and started to walk off the dance floor.  That was when a hand was placed on my shoulder.  I looked and saw that it was John.  My John.  I loved my husband dearly, but he would never be my Jonathan Lupin.  I smiled at him.  "I'm sorry to have caused a scene," I said to him, surprised my voice sounded so strong.  "You have raised a beautiful man."  I helped to raise the boy to a point, but John raised a man that any mother would be proud of, even if he did not want a thing to do with his mother.

I looked at Prongs and Padfoot.  "Well..." I said quietly.  We all knew there was drama with Remus's mum... but not quite like that.