Finally losing it -- October 1997

I was alone with Dad and it was the middle of the night.  After knowing everything that Uncle James had told me months back and with everything... I had come just to talk to Dad.  No one knew if he could hear us... but I believed he could.  I closed the door to his room because I didn't want to be interrupted; I would've locked it, but if something happens... I wanted the healers to be able to enter without me having to unlock it.  Hence coming at like two in the morning.  I wanted to be by myself with him.  I wanted to be with just him.  As strong as I tried to be for Lenni and Mum, I needed to just let it out.  It was doing me no good keeping everything bottled inside.  I would pour my heart out to my dad tonight.  About everything.  I just wish it didn't take something like this to make me realize what I had.

I sat with my chair close to my dad's bed.  How would I even start talking to him right now?  I took a deep breath and decided that I'd just wing it.  That's what I did best.

"Hey Dad... it's me.  You know, Dean," I started off lamely.  "I just want to tell you... I am so sorry."  The tears started to come to my eyes and my throat started to get tight.  I took another deep breath, but knew that the tears were going to fall and that it was probably a good thing he wasn't awake; he wouldn't be able to understand me much anyways.  "I don't deserve you or mum... I was horrible to both of you.  And yet... neither one of you ever cared.  I wish I could take it all back... but I can't.  And now you're here -- because of me.  From everything I've been told... it seems like all I've ever done for you is give you heartache and some sort of injury.  From the time I was still in mum... Uncle James told me about all of that.  How beat up you both were... and I was the reason for it before I was even born.  And having gone through all of that... you end up with me.  Probably the worst kid in the planet."  I hung my head and let the tears fall from my face into my lap.  I didn't' even bother trying to wipe them away.  "And then this... if there was maybe a better plan in place... if you would've known all along and gone with us... I don't know, Dad.  But either way, you ended up down there because of me.  I am so sorry... and there's nothing I can do about it.  And I might lose you when I've finally got you.  I know that was all my fault for not really having you growing up; I was such a pain back then.  And now... now that I finally realize what I have had my entire life... you might never wake up."  I couldn't go on.  I was sobbing so badly that I wasn't sure how I made it so far to be honest.  I folded my arms on the side of the bed, with one hand holding onto Dad's, and laid my head in the crook of my elbow and let my sobs rack my body.  I should've let this come out a long time ago.  Why did I bottle it up inside for nearly two to three months?  To be strong?  Lenni and Mum had been fine for a little hile now... maybe I just didn't want to face the facts.

I was not entirely sure how long I stayed like that.  When I lifted my head up I looked over at the clock and saw that a few hours had passed.  I believe I had cried myself to sleep for a little bit.  My face still felt damp from tears, but I really didn't care.  I was sure that more would end up falling by the time I was finished talking with my father.  I looked over at the door and saw that it was still closed, but the fact that I now had a blanket around my shoulders told me that a healer had come in quietly to do their rounds.  I would have to thank them for covering me up if I ever figured out who it was.  I sighed and stretched, pulling the blanket to cover my front half as I leaned back in the chair a little bit.  I hated how it always seemed cold in hospitals.  I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. 

I may as well keep talking... that's what I cam ehere to do.  And I was sure that once morning was fully upon us, I wouldn't have any time to do so.  "You know Addie and I set our date for our wedding.  It's going to be in May.  So you have until the end of April to be doign this.  Then you have to wake up.  I want you there, Dad.  I'm going to need you there to keep my nerves in check.  I'm not kidding."  I let out a small chuckle.  "I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about."  I sighed.  "We've decided that the guys are going to wear gray tuxes instead of black or white.  I think that that would look nice.  I'm just sort of staying out of the way and letting the ladies do ll the planning.  I just do what I'm told and add my input only when asked.  I feel like it's safer that way for me," I explained with a slight chuckle.  "Just remember... May 25th is my wedding day.  Just... just do your best to be there, okay?" I said, tears coming to my eyes once more.  I hated how it sounded like I was pleading with him.

I heard a noise outside of the door of the hospital room.  I stood up and opened the door.  I thought it might be a healer having to do rounds again and I wanted to let them know they could come in.  But when I opened it, I saw no one.  Not anyone out there waiting... no one walking the halls.  It was kind of eerie.  I kind of wanted to slap my face to make sure I was still awake.  I closed the door and sat back down, leaning back in the chair and kicking off my shoes.  I swung my feet up on the edge of the bed and snuggled under the blanket a little bit.  Now that I was done dealing with the water works, I decided I'd find some happier things to talk to my dad about.

"You know, Uncle James is pretty cool.  Despite everything he has gone through... he's just awesome.  I can easily see why he was your best mate.  Even though that night ended crappy for us, I am glad that we got to reunite them all," I said quietly to my dad.  "I feel like everything was worth it then... if we had failed miserably, I think it would make all of this so much worse."  I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.  I glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearly 6 in the morning.  No wonder I was exhausted.  Besides having a break down -- which they always seemed to wear me out. "I bet you that by eight either Mum or Lenni will walk through that door," I told my dad, smiling slightly.  "If I win, you wake up.  If you win, you can stay sleeping.  Think you want to risk those odds?"  Why not try to joke around a little bit?  There was no reason to be all gloomy all the time when visiting Dad.  He would want us to joke... he would want us to laugh.  I just had to tell myself that if I won, I probably wouldn't win the bet the way I wanted to.  But I'd settle for even just a slight change in the beeps or something to signify that he had at least heard me and that he was trying to wake up for us.  I had to keep my hopes down.  What would be the odds of him waking up on cue?  Non existent.  I didnt' like those odds... but I had to ligthen the mood for myself a little bit.  There was no harm in that.

I couldn't help but get a little more nervous and anxious as the eight o'clock hour drew near.  I knew I would have to go back to Hogwarts and get to class soon after eight, too.  The teachers were lenient... but not entirely lenient.  They knew I took every chance I got to skip certain classes and even Professor Dumbledore told me I needed to start 'getting back to a normal routine'.  Pff... like what does he know?  "I swear you could've gotten away with bloody murder under Dumbledore's nose... and me?  I get caught doing everything it seems.  Where is the leniency he showed you?" I asked my dad, shaking my head.  I mean, he was in a coma.  Why couldn't I get leniency for that?  Nope.  I got nothing.  Of course it could be that I was in my last year and it really did matter to potential employers and whatnot.  But I'm sure they would understand about my dad being in the hospital, too.  And if they didn't, why would I want to work for them anyways?  I sighed.  "Dad... I don't know... I'm thinking that being an Auror won't be what everyone thinks it is.  I really want to go after the bad guys and stuff.  But what if I end up in here, like you?  Would I be able to do that to my family?  I am on the receiving end now... and I don't like it.  I swear if one more heartless Healer says one tiny little thing about pulling the plug on you... I will end up in Azkaban.  I will kill them.  I know they have to give us all our options... but it doesn't mean we need to hear about them multiple times.  I think that last Healer got the point... seeing as I shoved him up against the wall and nearly beat him," I added, a smile coming to my face.  That was an entertaining day to say the least.  I raised my left hand and examined it.  There were still scars on it from when I had helped Jetty out and it got burned; surprisingly it was fine after breaking it when punching the wall when Dad first got in here. 

I glanced up at the clock and saw that it was nearly eight.  No one had shown up yet.  Was I seriously going to lose?  Then the sound of the doorknob turning made me hold my breath.  Way to make it to the very last second.  The person was standing out of view of the window, so I couldn't see who it was.  It's got to be Mum... it had to be.  Or please be Lenni.  Either one of them... maybe it would be time to see if Dad could really hear us.  "Alright," I whispered to him.  "Whoever walks in... if it's Lenni or Mum, I win.  They went down to the wire, that's for sure.  So if you can hear me and it' sone of them and I win the bet; please, at least give some sign that you can hear me.  I don't need you to wake up -- I mean, I do -- but just some sort of sign would be nice, too."  I said that all very quickly and held my breath.  C'mon... be Mum or Lenni... please, I swear if this is a Healer... I'm going to be pissed.  But why?  It's not like the bet really meant much of anything, anyways.  Not when the person you're betting against is in a coma.

I had told Ember I would check in on Sirius this morning before heading back to Hogwarts for the week.  She hadn't been able to find Dean and was hoping I'd be able to track him down.  She was so worried about him, and I didn't blame her.  He hasn't been the same since this all happened.  Really, none of them had and it's understandable.  But Lenni and Ember seemed to be able to function as well as one would expect.  Dean however... he just seemed like a shell or something.  Ember didn't seem to be as worried as what I was.  Perhaps she didnt' realize how bad it was.  I don't know.

I turned the doorknob on Sirius's room when a Healer walked by.  I kept my hand on the knob as I asked how Sirius had been doing.  Of course, nothing had changed.  I opened the door and walked in and was surprised to see Dean.  I smiled at him and shut the door behind me.  "Good morning," I said, trying to be cheerful until I saw the look on his face.  My smile faltered and I asked, "Dean, are you alright?"  I recognized that look.  He had finally given in.  I was relieved that he did so, too.  It meant that he would be able to keep moving forward and not living in the past.

I had never been disappointed to see Remus in my life.  That meant that I lost.  Not even a sign that he could hear me.  I tried to hide it on my face but I knew it was too late; he had seen the look.  I sighed.  How would I tell Remus that I had a bet against my dad -- who was in a coma, mind you -- and that I lost?  Hence my disappointment.  He would think I'm nuts or something.  I stood up and folded the blanket.  "It's nothing, Remus," I said to him, hating how my voice betrayed me.  I tried not have gotten my hopes up for anything... and now with the disappointment tears were close to breaking.  I suppose I didn't have to be strong in front of Remus... but I still didn't want to break down due to the fact that I lost against a man in a coma. 

I turned to face my uncle and saw that he didn't believe me one bit.  I tried to smile and shrug it off... but what happened was that I collapsed back into the chair and buried my face in my hands.  I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably, but tears were coming down my cheeks.  My body wasn't shaking or anything, but I regretted folding the blanket up.  I wanted to be beneath it... to burry myself in it.  That way I wouldn' thave to deal with Remus.  I knew he wouldn't judge me; he never has.  But still.

I walked over to where Dean had collapsed into the chair.  I wasn't exactly sure what I had walked into, but I didn't say a word.  I knelt down the best I could and before I could even try to pull him into some sort of comforting hug, he wrapped his arms around me like he did when he was a little boy after getting in a fight with his parents.  I held on to him tightly and realized that this was most likely more than about his dad just being in a coma.  Granted, that sucked.  I understood that.  He was my best mate... and look what was going on with him.  There was something more behind this, though.  I wanted to ask questions, but knew with Dean he would open up when he was ready and not to pressure him into doing so.

I buried my face in my uncle's shoulder and neither one of us moved a muscle for I don't know how long.  "I finally did it," I said quietly, pulling away from Remus to wipe my face.  He would know what I meant.  He had been telling me I needed to face the facts of what happened.  He told me it was okay to break down.  He told me he was worried that I was holding it all in and not letting it out -- which wasn't healthy.  He would know exactly what I had meant by that.  "I didn't have to be strong.  But Uncle Remus... I was stupid.  I tried lightening the mood.  And you have no idea how much I wanted Mum or Lenni to walk through those doors,"  I sighed and shook my head.  May as well tell him.  "I made a bet -- you know, to lighten the mood -- and normally I knew Mum came bright and early and that Lenni had a habit of doing it as well.  Needless to say, I lost."  I couldn't believe how stupid I was being about this.  I lost a bet and it makes me cry?  What kind of person was I?  Oh, right... it was the fact that I lost the bet that the stakes were so impossible to begin with.  But I just wanted the chance that I could get a sign from Dad.  But no.  The universe couldn't even give me that.  They sent Remus instead.  But I wasn't sure which would be worse... winning the bet and Dad doing nothing; or losing the bet so I wouldn't be disappointed in dad... just the bet.  Maybe the universe had its own funny way of making things turn out...

I kept my hand on Dean's shoulders and looked into his watery blue eyes.  He had his fathers lighter eyes; Ember had the dark brown eyes.  Dean wasn't crying anymore, but he just seemed unstable right now.  "Dean, what did you bet?" I asked him quietly and in a soothing voice.  What would a bet have done to make him this upset?  I was really worried.  I knew we both needed to be at school, but there was no way I was going to leave Dean by himself.  He was really worrying me with the way he was acting.  I knew that he was upset with everything; he had finally broken down and let in to his emotions.  But what happened that I don't fully understand.

I was so stupid.  How childish was I acting right now?  Very.  It was a stupid bet... and I can't believe that I was freaking out about it.  But it wasn't the bet at all, really.  It was the fact that I wanted a sign or someting -- anything -- that would tell me he was still here somehow.  But that wasn't going to happen.  He was in a coma.  The only sign we'd get that everything is okay was that damn steady beeping of his heart.  Which was a good thing... I just wished that I could hear his voice not the damn machines.  I looked at Uncle Remus and said quietly, "I bet that if Lenni or mum came in by eight like they normally do that he'd wake up... but I would've settled for just a small sign that he could hear me.  Uncle Remus... I want a sign; I feel like he's not here.  He is here, obviously, but I don't feel him here.  I need a sign... I don't want to lose him..."  I hung my head and let my tears fall.  I let my uncle bring me into a hug again.  I just needed something...

It had been a long time since Dean has called me Uncle Remus.  Normally it was just Remus.  That was how I knew something was wrong.  I pulled him close to me and I hugged him.  I understood wanting a sign.  I just wish that he would've not bet on something.  Especially with having just opened up and letting it out earlier this morning.  he couldn't handle this.  Dean was strong; but to handle his own emotions he needed someone there with him.  "Dean... you're not going to lose him," I tried to assure.  "You're dad is the strongest person I know... it's just going to take him some time to bounce back from this..."  I really hoped that I wasn't lying ot my nephew.

Dad was one of the strongest people I knew; I was pretty sure he and Uncle Remus were tied for first.  I wanted to believe that he was right, that my dad would bounce back from this.  But there were reasons to doubt... I knew what the Healers were saying.  Perhaps pull the plug... put him out of his misery.  Let us move on... blah blah blah.  Well, they were wrong.  Dad wasn't miserable.  That we knew of anyways.  I pulled away from my uncle and sighed.  "I just wish it didn't ahve to be this hard.  I want to put everything on hold; I don't want to get married if Dad isn't there.  But I want to marry Addison so badly... I love the idea we have our date set.  I just... I have so many mixed feelings I can't sort through them all."  There I said it.  Maybe I should tell Addie that we shouldn't get married in May of next year.  But how on earth was I going to do that?  I wanted to marry her... I loved her so much.  Would I be able to do that without Dad, though?