You can lose sight of it all & the darkness inside you can make you feel so small -- January 1979

NEWTs were approaching faster and faster... and so were times of turmoil.  My best mate was engaged to the love of her life -- and she was merely sixteen.  She still had a year of Hogwarts left.  But I could understand her want to do anything to make one happy; it was terrifying out there.  Everyone knew that; me especially.  I was sitting in the common room very late at night and I heard someone come in.  I looked up and saw Regulus.  He looked pale and tired.  I knew that something was rather different about him lately.

"Reg?" I questioned, making him jump.  "Sorry... but what are you doing meandering the castle after curfew?"

I had been in the Restricted Section of the library trying to find more information.  I knew what I was up against now; I just needed to try to find out how to destroy it.  And I needed to find what he was using as well.  I had a long road ahead of me, but at least I knew what I was up against.  I jumped when Tobi said my name.  I looked over at her, using candles for lighting by the fire that was keeping the common room kind of warm.  I sighed.  "I'm fine," I said quickly, then realized that was not what she asked.

"I don't need to explain myself," I added, running a hand through my hair.  The more I learned, the more nervous I became.  However, when it came to being a Death Eater and fulfililng their expectations, I succeeded perfectly.  As far as it was apparent, no one suspected what I was doing.  Not even Bellatrix.

"okay," I said slowly, "it was merely a question."  I watched him and realized that he was rather nervous.  "Why don't you just sit and relax a moment before going down the corridor to the dorm?'  I figured he would want to save face if any of the guys were awake.

My eyes narrowed slightly, but I took her up on her invitation.  I sat down and took a deep breath.  "Why are you awake so late?" I inquired, making conversation to try to keep her from watching me too closely in the soft firelight.

I shrugged.  "Just a lot on my mind," I said to her.  "A lot of it is worrying about Ember and NEWTs and whatnot."  I was sure that Regulus knew that his brother had gotten engaged.

I studied October a bit.  "And your daughter at home, I'm sure," I said to her simply.  It was no secret that Tobi was a mum.  She was rather proud of her daughter, too, which was quite right.  No matter the circumstances, one should always be proud of their children.  It could easily destroy a family if there were any other thoughts; I was well aware of that.

I smiled, kind of surprised that Regulus would think of Jada while his thoughts were clearly wrapped up in something else.  "Ah, yes, I am always wondering how she's doing and waiting the next owl in the morning rather anxiously," I replied, chuckling a bit.  I wrapped my arms around myself and looked over at my housemate.  "I still don't know how you're holding up with everything... Reg... you're sure you're okay?"

I chuckled slightly.  "I can't even imagine how hard it is to be away from her," I replied, blatantly ignoring her question for the time being.  I did not even know how to answer her.  I looked at my shaky hand that was actually behaving for the time being.  I sighed.  "I'm fine," I added.  I knew that Tobi would not let it go if I did not answer her at oen point.