I tried so hard and got so far in the end it doesn't even matter- July 12 2010

I was trying to think about what mum told me. How she thinks Seth doesn't hate me, how I should talk to him and get to spend some time with my brother. I just didn't want to make him sad or mad at me. I knocked on his door as I waited. " Seth?" I whispered.

I could not believe the way Dad was acting.  he was normally so cool about things... why could I not go see Mum?  Okay, it made sense that he was protective and did not want me running off to Egypt.  But she was in physical therapy... so yeah, I was not going off to go see her without permission.  But why could he not see that I needed to know my own mother?

Trying to grab things to tidy up my room -- okay, when I say tidy up, I meant just toss dirty clothes into a pile and that was about it -- when I heard a knock and a hesitant voice.  I had been staying up in my room by myself any chance I got because I was not going to deal with Dad.  I only came down for dinner because, well, I knew I would not be allowed to eat if I did not at least show a little respect.  But it was obvious that there was plenty of tension.  I just secluded myself; it was easier that way.

I went to my door and opened it up.  "What, Sid?" I asked, my voice just sounding tired.  I figured she was sent up here to make peace or something to convince me to join the family festivities.  After about the first week of being home, Rosalynn went mental on Dad using her to talk to me.  It takes a lot for Ros to get set off, but then again, she was a fireball of a Weasley.

He sounded annoyed. " Can I talk to you....please?" I asked him as I waited patiently. I was going to talk to him no matter how upset I got. I spoke to Ros about this and she thought it may be a good idea to try to talk to him.

I raised my eyebrows and moved to let my baby sister into my room.  "Yeah, sure," I said to her.  I was trying not to think of this as a way for Dad to get under my skin or something.  But then I again, it was Sidney.  They would not use her, would they?  I closed the door behind her when she came in and I threw the socks that were in my hand into the pile.  I was not going to deal with trying to figure otu if socks were clean or not.

I wanted it to be easy to talk to him and he wasn't making sure it would stay that way. " I wanted to talk to you...." I said to him as I didn't know what to say to him. " I'm sorry..." I told him as I figured it would be a good way to start things. How do I ask him if he hates me for being born. I stood up as I started to pace. " Well....with you and dad fighting....it didn't start really being that bad until I was around.....so for that I am sorry..." I told my brother. I was hoping he understood what I was trying to say to him.

With the look I was getting it didn't look that way. " I was talking with Ros......and I didn't know how to really ask you this...but....do you hate me?" I asked him.

I stared at Sidney.  Of course being eleven she would think it was all about her.  "Sid, this all started when Dad tried to control my life," I said to her simply.  "It has nothing to do with you or anyone else.  Dad won't let me see my own mum.  Don't worry about something that you don't know the whole story to." 

I was not about to get into this with my eleven year old sister.  When I was five, I was happy to have another sister come along.  But she had nothing to o with what was going on with Dad and I.

I was getting mad now, " The fighting started when I was born...I know I'm not older like you...I am not stupid however. You stopped talking to me after the fighting with dad started. So don't act like it's only about you..it's our family that isn't the same any more. "

And this was why I stayed in my room.  "Actually, Sid, check your facts," I snapped at her.  "First off, you can't remember before your were five anyways.  So how the bloody hell would you know if it started when you were born?  Second, I'll admit, yeah there was fighting -- over attention.  Was I jealous?  Sure. What sibling isn't jealous of the baby in the family?  But all this bullshite that's going on now has nothing to do wiht you.  It has everything to do with my mother and my life.  So if all you did was come in here and attack me the way dad and the entire bloody family has, then leave.  I don't have to put up with this shite in my own bedroom -- the only room I have left to get away from it all." 

Did I hate her?  Bloody hell no.  Was she pissing me off?  Definitely.  The only thing I was pissed off about was the whole thing with my mum.  Yeah, there was always something there with me and Dad because he stopped visiting my mum's parents and stuff and I was always salty about that, but I still wrote at least.  Dad could never stop me from that.  Dad seemed to forget that Mumsy was not my birth mum... I loved her, obviously, but I still wanted a relationship with my other half of my family.

<< Seth just got PISSED.  I knew he was salty... but I did not expect him to snap.  At least not so quickly >>

" No, I didn't come in here to attack you.." I told him as I was trying to get to my reason and not just lose my patience. " I came here to find out why my brother has essentially stopped talking to me unless he's chewing my head off." I crossed my arms.

(Sid is trying to get her point across and not having her lose her mind on him haha)

I softened slightly when she said that.  "It's not you, Sid.  It's everybody else.  No one cares what I think or the fact that my mother is awake and I can't see her.  Don't worry yourself," I said to her.  It was not like she cared; no one did.  She just wanted to make sure it had nothing to do with her.  "In case you haven't noticed, I really don't talk to anyone anymore -- except Ros.  But that's only because she knows precisely what I'm going through because she's right there with me."

I cleared a spot on my bed and practically threw myself onto it, moving around slightly until I was comfortable, almost like a dog.  And, at that moment, a kitten jumped on my lap.  It must have followed Sidney into my room.  I loved her animals... just normally not in my room.  But I would make an exception for this little guy -- I had a soft spot for Tyke.  I called him Little Tyke... and I had no idea what Sidney actually named him.  I started to pet the orange kitten and looked at Sid.  "Okay?" I added, not really enjoying talking all feelings and whatnot with my little sister, but realizing that she needed it.

I looked at him as he spoke, " Well, just because you're going through this doesn't mean I want to lose my brother...no matter how annoying you get." I smiled. Looking to my kitten, " Sorry..." I said as he ended up petting him. " I kept his name....Tyke." I told him. I couldn't think of another name for him. " I know I don't know what it's like but you want to go for a ride or something let me know and we can take Harley and Spartan out." I suggested to him. Plopping myself on the ground while Seth was petting Tyke.

My mouth twitched up in a slight smile.  "It'll take a lot mroe than just family drama to make me disappear, so you won't lose me, SId," I assured her, petting the kitten.  he was purring away and it was actually kind of... soothing.  I smirked when she said his name was still just Tyke.  "Good... it suits the little furball."

I looked at her and sat up a bit more.  "Want to go for a run now?" I suggested.  I knew I had been neglecting her -- as she dutifully informed me -- and I owed it to her to be there for her.  Perhaps her suggesting a ride was her way of saying she needed to talk about something else or something.

"He seems to like you." I pointed out to him. He seems to like him a lot, smiling as he suggested going for a run. " Sounds good to me if I'm not going to bother you." I pointed out, I don't need him more angry with me. " As to losing you....I don't think I could...When I'm older and seeing boys I'm sure you'd have plenty to say about it."

"Yeah, but that's just being a good brother," I informed her about her dating.  I gently moved Tyke and sat up on my bed.  "Nah, I can go for a run."  That was the only way that I really enjoyed riding the horses.

Laughing, " Call it what you will." I said as I stopped when I saw his look. " Whatever helps you bro." I said as I stretched, " Run sounds good to me. Me and Spartan will kick yours and Harley's butt." I said as I led the way outside.