Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry -- Fall 1997

I shook my head.  "You don't want to know," I told her honestly.  "Between the mind games, fights... injuries... and just all that time alone... it wore on me.  I'm not sure if I'm the same person I was before."

I put my hand on his arm.  "And you're scared Lily won't love this version? ...that we won't accept you for who you are now?" I offered.  How could we not love him?  We were all so hapy they were alive!  We knew that they would not be exactly the same -- we were not hte same people they lost, either.

Well, that was part of it.  "Partly," I replied.  "But... what if I can't accept myself?" I have not looked in he mirror since I got rescued.  I was afraid of what I would see looking back at me.

My hand moved from his arm to his hand and I squeezed it.  "I don't think that could ever happen," I assured him.  His frightened expression and lack of eye contact saddened me.  "James, look at me," I asked, almost pleaded with, him.

Almost reluctantly, I lifted my eyes to look into my little sister's eyes.  I could see sadness there -- along with understanding.  It was most likely the look I gave her when I looked at her after the rape incident.  "Ember... I shouldn' be doing this to you.  You need to go to Sirius," I said suddenlty, moving to stand up to leave.

I stood up with him and grabbed his arm.  "Don't do that," I said quickly.  Sirius was still unconscious.  He would wnat me to take care of his best mate even if I wanted to be with him.

I looked at her.  "Do what?" I asked, though I knew eactly what I was doing:  pushing her away.

I rolled my eyes at him.  Pulling him into a hug, I replied, "Don't pull away.  I need you, James."  I gave my brother a kiss on the cheek when I let go of him.

That was part of the problem.  Everyone needed the James they remembered; what if that was not hte James that stood there now?  I swallowed the sob that threatened to rise.  "But... I'm not the same," I replied lamely.  Again, being alone all those years... my social skills were lacking.

I could see the tears in his eyes and chuckled sadly, shaking my head.  "Neither am I," I told him.  "Do you think I haven't changed in the last sixteen years?"  I wrapped my arms around myself.  "I lost my brother and sister.  I couldn't get Harry.  My husband was in Azkaban for twelve years... then he was a fugitive for a couple after that.  I lost a grandchild before he was born.  James, do you really think none of that changed me?" I asked him, trying to give him perspective.

"Now, I'm not saying any of this to trivialize what you went through or even make it a bigger thing than what it was... but none of us are the same," I finished softly.

When she put it like that, I could not believe what I was doing.  I sighed.  "I need to talk to Lily, don't I?" I asked, shaking my head.

I smiled sadly.  "Yeah, you do," I said simply.  "you two still love each other.  You'll be able to get through this just fine, James."  I wanted him to know that I had faith in him.

I was grateful to have my sister.  Giving her another hug, I said, "Go to Sirius.  You're brother is okay.  Promise."  I just had to work through all of this... my anger, remorse, guilt... everything.

I made sure James was okay before I grabbed my bag.  "Don't hesitate to talk to me, James," I added as we walked out of hte house.  "I'm always here for you."