Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry -- Fall 1997

I had come home to gt some things before going back to St. Mungo's to be with Sirius.  I heard someone come in and saw my brother.  "James!  You should be with Lily and the kids," I said, though I went up and hugged him tightly.

I needed to see my sister.  Everything was just so overwhelming.  I loved seeing Harry and Lily alive.  I could not believe that I had a son and daughter I had no idea about.  Even though I barely knew them, I loved them -- even in spite of Evan's dislike of me.  But I needed Ems.  I could not get past this odd feeling mixed between joy, pain at missing years, everything.

As soon as Ember hugged me, I lost it.  She did not need this -- but I could not help it.  Ember was my baby sister who I never htought I would see again.  I pulled away from her after a moment. "I-I'm sorry," I said to her softly.

When he pulled away, I had tears in my eyes.  I just stared at him.  "James... what's wrong?" I asked him, my voice full of worry.

I wiped my eyes and walked to the table in the kitchen.  "Ems, I shouldn't even be bothering you about this," I said.  "Not with what's going on with Sirius..."

I shook my head at James, pouring us each a strong drink.  We both needed it.  I made my brother sit down.  "Nonsense... now talk to me, james," I said to him gently.

I took a shaky breath.  "I don't know if I can do this," I told her honestly.  How could I just go back to the way things used to be?  I mean, I could barely talk to Ember... I have been alone for so many years.  It was hard to be around others -- even Lily.  I hid my wrists from her - from everyone.  I did not want them to see how weak I was.

I furrowed my brow at my brother.  "Do what, James?" I asked, taking a drink.  Some may say it was too early for a drink, but I cared not.

I was not sure if my sister would even understand.  I took a long swig of hte drink she made before answering her.  "This - being normal," I said, motioning with my hand to everything around me.

I gapsed slighlty at my brother's revelation.  I was not entirely sure what to say to him.  "You need time to get used to everything again... it hasn't been that long," I said quietly.He better not be thinking of doing something stupid.  I could not lose James again.

Of course I knew that.  "I know... but Ems... I haven't even seen the sun in years.  It's too much with everything else..." I ran my hands through my hair.  How could I expect Ember to understand?  She had not been held captive in a cave-like chamber for sixteen years all alone... only getting random updates from Peter about Ember, remus, and Chloe.  Though never knowing my children and wife were alive.

I just stared at James, seeing him more as a stranger than my brother since he and Lily returned.  "Just think of Lily and Harry!  The twins!  They need you," I said.  then I added in a tear-filled voice, "I need you."  What was my brother doing?

Tears filled my eyes.  I knew they needed me.  When that boy saved me... it was him telling me they were alive.  And now I was pushing everyone away because I could not handle it?  Did I really prefer being alone?  "No," I muttered, answering my own thoughts.

"No?" I asked, questioning my brother.  What was that supposed to mean with what I had said to him?

I nearly jumped when Ember spoke.  I sometimes still forgot that I was no longer alone.  "I was answering myself," I relied honestly.  "I know you all need me.  It's just... hard."  That was a lame way for me to end that phrase.

I nodded, though I had no idea.  "what all happened in there?"  What did Peter do to you?" I asked.  Maybe alking about it would help him.  I never thought I would see my brother look this way... so lost and broken.