The ones that love us never truly leave us -- February 2018

It had been a tough month -- we had to bury our daughter a month ago.  Charlie and I were not the same.  I missed my baby girl so much.  Charlie spent all his time at the reservation... I did not have the energy or strength to even go to work yet.  I knew that Quinn would not want us to whither away like this, but how could I not?  A parent was not supposed to outlive their children.  I felt some comfort from the cup of tea in my hand -- it had been my daughter's favorite kind.  I heard a knock at the door and put the cup down, walking to answer it.  I was able to muster up a smile when I saw my brother standing there.  "Remus," I said, letting him inside and giving him a hug.

I held my little sister tightly and let go of her.  I followed her back to where I saw a steaming cup of tea on the coffee table.  I recognized the smell instantly -- Quinn's favorite.  "Des," I said, sitting down next to her, "how are you?" Of course I knew how she was.  She lost her daughter.  I could not believe that my niece was gone.  She had always been able to light up the room -- even during her last days with us.

I sighed and shook my head.  "I don't even know," I said to him.  "Nothing's the same... it's too quiet."  Yes, Quinn would technically be in school right now anyways, but just knowing that I would nto be receiving an owl from her... yes, it was too quiet.

I nodded and hugged Desi again.  "I know," I whispered to her.  "But you know that Quinn wouldn't want you to stay sad forever, either, though Des."  I kissed my sister's forehead and squeezed her closer.

I chuckled sadly and nodded at my big brother.  "I know, Remus," I said to him quietly.  "But... well, it's just hard not to be sad.  She was my daugther... I loved her so much."  Tears started to make my voice thick again.

I put my arm around Desi again and hugged her.  "I know," I assured her.  "And that's natural... you need to be sad.  But you cant let it rule your life, either... you need to try to find a way to smile again."

I pulled away and attempted a smile at Remus.  "I know," I said to my brother.  "And really, I have plenty to care for... Mum is getting rather older... maybe I'll just take care of her now."  I was a caregiver.  I always was.  With my baby girl gone... I was not entirely sure what I was going to be able to do.

I chuckled slightly.  "How about you take care of you?  It'll be good for you," I said to my little sister.  I squeezed her shoulder.  "Mum would hate it if you called her old, just so you know."

I chuckled slightly and looked at my older brother.  "Ah, you are right about that one," I agreed, sighing sadly.  I looked at Remus.  "And I know you want me to care for myself rather than anything else, but I'm not entirely sure if I remember how to do that anymore."  I hated admitting that, but I could tell Remus anything.

I sighed and put my arm around my sister.  "i know," I said to Desdemona gently.  "It'll be tough... but you'll figure it out again."

I took a deep breath and smiled a bit at Remus.  "I know," I said to him.  "I'm just glad that you have faith in me."  That was the complete truth, too, because I wa snot sure if I had faith in myself.

I smiled at Desi.  "Of course I have faith in you," I assured her.  "You are one of the bravest women I know.  How else could you have agreed with Quinn and help her live the last of her days with as much love and fun as you could possibly put into it with the cancer?"  I knew that bringing up Quinn would be painful, but I wanted to try to point out the good that had happened.

Tears came to my eyes at the mention of my daughter's name, but I did not want to avoid speaking of her.  She would not have wanted that and I wanted to be sure to honor her memory, not shove it in the closet because it was too difficult to think of.  I let the pained smile come across my face.  "I appreciate that, Remus," I replied to my brother.  "I am hoping to be able to get Charlie to agree to naming the new nursery wing after Quinn."  That was one way to honor our daughter.  It was not necessarily a wing because it was not a building by any means.  But that was what we were calling it for lack of better terms.

I smiled a bit at Desi's idea.  "I think that is wonderful," I assured her.  "I don't see why Charlie would want to choose against that."