Lost and insecure, you found me -- November 1981

It was the first time I saw Remus after losing my brother and Lily and Harry.  For some reason, I was not allowed to care for my nephew -- Dumbledore had explained it to me, but I did not enjoy the reasoning but I trusted the Headmaster, so I argued not.  I was so numb, though.  I looked across the graves where we had just buried James and Lily and made eye contact with Remus.  Sirius had gone to Azkaban, Peter had died, James was gone... I knew what they all meant to Remus.  He thought he had been alone, but those three made him believe otherwise.  And then there was Lily, always making sure that he knew that he was a good man.  Lily always made usre I was included... the guys made my life hell, but I loved them all.  I felt the tears falling down my cheeks freely and I could tell that Remus was fighting back his emotion.  People were squeezing my shoulders, hugging me, everything as they left.  I barely noticed. 

Finally, Remus - being the last person there - came to me and wrapped his arms around me.  I sobbed into his chest, holding him tightly.  I felt a sob wreak through his body and held him tighter still.  It had started to snow, but we stayed like that.  I was not sure how long we were hugging, but I finally pulled away, but kept him in my arms, looking up into his silvery eyes.  "I've lost everyone, Remus... my whole family is gone from me," I said to him, feeling so entirely lost.

The hole that was left in my chest would never be filled, this I was sure about.  I looked at Ember and she spoke exactly what I was thinking.  There was no one left for me.  My father was killed by Greyback during the last year of fighting with Voldemort.  But there was a minor ray of light on the very dark horizon -- we were not completely alone.  "Ems, you're never alone," I said to her, knowing that she would think about waht everyone was constantly saying that her brother and Lily would always be there... that was what everyone said to me about James and Peter.  Of course, if Sirius was ever near me again... I was not sure what I would do.  How dare he betray Lily and James... and then to kill Peter, too?  I put my hands on Ember's shoulders and squeezed them reassuringly.  "You've still got me... I may be broken and turn into a monster every month... but it's still better than nothing, right?" I said to her.

Even through his facade, I knew that calling himself a monster still hurt after all these years.  I hit him slightly, knowing that we were both trying to make each other feel better.  "You're not a monster," I said to him.  I leaned against him and shivered slightly.  "I know... James would think you got the short end of the stick having to deal with just me..." It was so true.

I rubbed her shoulders and smiled slightly.  "Yeah, but he would be glad I'm the one still around... that way you've got some protection," I assured her, gently leading her away from their graves.  She did not resist me like I thougth she might -- she might not have been ready to leave them yet.  But she was shivering and needed to not be outside completely.  I figured that we should go get a drink or something... would be a good idea to calm her down.  I knew she would not be able to rest after this -- netiher would I in all honesty.

I let Remus lead me away from my brother and sister.  I was rather cold and knew that Remus was always looking out for everyone.  "And I don't need protection," I muttered as he did so.  I leaned against him as we walked, taking comfort in him.  At least someone was left.

"I think I need a drink," I added the farther away we went from Godric's Hollow's cemetery.  My breath caught in my throat as I caught sight of the destroyed house and I felt a fresh batch of tears come to my eyes.  Remus had stopped and I looked at him.  His raw emotion -- something that was hard to ever see on his face -- was almost paralyzing me.  I held onto him, knowing that he needed the support right now.

I stared at the demolished house and could not believe that they were gone.  They were all gone; all of them.  Every single person who had ever fully believed in me as a person... except for Ember, who was standing next to me gazing at the place her brother and sister-in-law were taken away from her.  That snapped everything back into perspective for me.  I pulled away from there and looked down at Ems, who was always a short little shit.  "A drink is definitely needed.  Let's just go to one of our flats," I suggested.  I knew that if we ended up at a pub, people would possibly bombard her.

I was so grateful that Remus thought of our flats.  I was not entirely sure if I could have handled a pub or some place similar.  I nodded at him and just held onto his hand; he chose my flat.  Once the familiar feeling of being unable to breathe released me, I untied my cloak that was clasped at my neck.  Shaking it out slightly, I went to hang it up.  I offered my hand for Remus's and placed it on the hook next to mine.

Biting my lip, I looked around my small flat.  "Sorry... it's a bit of a mess," I said to him, slipping my feet out of my shoes.  I felt all constricted in my black dress and all of a sudden I wanted out of it. I needed out of it.  All it did was remind me of why I had to wear it in the first place.  I looked at Remus.  "I need to get out of this dress; do you mind?" I asked him.  I sort of wanted to make sure it was okay... and I was going to have him unzip me.  It would be a lot easier than me doing it myself.  I moved my hair and attempted to smile at him.

I gave her my cloak and she hung it up.  I looked around and shook my head when she said ti was a bit messy.  It was hardly anything.  "Not at all," I said to her.  I brushed some hair that she missed away from her neck and unzipped it down to the small of her back.  She was holding it up and I took a step away from her.  This was Ember; this was James and Lily's funeral day.  

I loosened my tie from around my neck.  "Take your time," I added, "I'll pour us some drinks."  I walked into her little kitchenette to try to find something for us to drink.  I glanced over my shoulder and saw her walk away.  She glanced back at me and our eyes met.  Still pressing the dress against her chest, she turned and close her bedroom door -- partially.  

My heart was pounding, but i turned back to teh glasses I took down and continued my search.  I found something and poured it for us.  I turned around to go to the couch and saw Ember's silhouette through the crack in her door.  Her lace and very cheeky panties and her pale skin beneath her long, black hair.  She stepped into a pair of shorts and then disappeared from sight.  I sat down, shaking my head and putting my face in my hands, rubbing it.  I needed to clear my head.  I kicked off my shoes and st my tie upon them.  When I looked up again, Ems came out wiht an over-sized jumper and wool socks on her feet.  She looked adorable.  But now was not the time.

I had changed into something much more comfortable.  I did feel a bit better once doing so.  I searched my bedroom and found some sweats that had a few wear holes in them that used to belong to my dad.  I had taken them when we were cleaning out his closet -- I had a box of things now that belonged to Lily and James, too.  I took a deep breath and scrounged in the little box of Dad's things and also found one of his t-shirts that I stole.  

When I returned to the living room I saw that Remus attempted to make himself a little bit more comfortable.  I sat down next to him and put the sweatpants and the shirt on his lap.  "Here... they were dad's and I wear them sometimes if I'm lonely," I said to him.  "They aren't in the best of condition, but you can wear them if you'd like."  

I had kept my hand on the clothes when I put them on his lap.  I looked into his sad, blue eyes and knew what he had lost was equivalent to what I had lost.  I could also tell that he was about to argue.  "Remus, don't be a typical man.  Please, get comfortable.  It'd make me feel better if I wasn't the only one who did so."

I knew better than to argue with Ember Potter.  I nodded and stood up, taking the clothes and going into the loo to change.  I folded up my other clothes and walked back out rather quickly.  I set my folded clothes on top of my shoes and tie.  I sat back down and saw that Ember had pulled an afghan over her legs.  I had wondered why she had put shorts on, but I remembered she liked to get cozy.

"Thank you," I said to her.  The clothes were a bit baggy, but they were much more comfortable than the formal attire.  I grabbed my cup and handed Ember's to her because she looked so comfortable already and I did not want her to move.  We drank in silence for a little while, just taking comfort in the company of each other.  She looked exhausted.  "Ems... you should try to get some rest."  I did not want to keep her awake and she really should get some sleep.

I had nearly finished my drink already; I really needed it.  I looked up at Remus when he said that and suddenly realized how alone and scared I was.  I had not slept in the last few nights -- if I did, it was just for a few fitful hours.  I bit my lip, unsure of how to ask him to stay.  Just to try to help me sleep.

"Remus..." I said, but then trailed off.  How was I going to ask that of him?  I was still totally head over heels for him, but that was no why I wanted him to stay.  We were both alone and we both needed someone.  I just wanted to feel safe and protected... and loved.  I had no one left.

I finished my drink rather quickly as well.  when Ember spoke up, I looked at her.  I had a feeling that I knew what she was going to ask.  I stood up and offered her my hand.  I did not know what would happen, but I wanted to at least get Ember to rest.  I knew that my eyes would not let me get peace, though.

Without hesitation, she took my hand and I led her into her bedroom.  I pulled back her quilt and waited for her to crawl into her bed as it was pushed up against the wall on the other side.  I sat down on the edge.  "I'll stay until you fall asleep," I said to her quietly.  I pulled the blanket up around her so I could return to the living room.  I was not going to push any limits... besides, perhaps she just wanted someone in the flat with her.  I had not let her finish her question before.

I took Remus's hand and followed him into my bedroom.  I laid down easily and when he tucked me in, I was a bit confused.  I thought he realized what I wanted.  I sat up when he said to go back to the couch.  "Remus... I meant for you to stay," I said to him, my voice barely audible.  I reached for his hand and did not let him pull it away.

"I can't sleep -- I've tried since..." I said to him.

I had tried to pull away, but Ember would not let me take my hand away.  Her voice and her eyes... they easily convinced me.  I did not want to be alone, either.  I got beneath the covers and laid down, feeling slightly awkward.  I realized that my heart was pounding in my chest.

I was not entirely planning on snuggling in close to her, but she moved closer to me and moved my arm to be around her.  I held her close when I realized she was crying.  I kissed her forehead and held her tightly as she cried; it was all I could do.  I swallowed back my tears, knowing that Ember needed to break and have this moment to be able to trust someone to be there for her.

I snuggled in close to Remus, making him put an arm around me to do so.  After mere moments, the tears came as they did every night since Halloween.  I held onto Remus like my life depended on it and he held me so close, helping to keep me together.  I finally stopped crying and realized that his shirt was basically soaked with my tears.  I sniffled.  "Remus, I'm sorry," I said to him quietly.  "I can find you a different shirt..."  I was not entirely sure if I had another one of Dad's in there and I wa snot going to go through james' things.

I looked up at Remus when he did not answer to see if he was still awake; I could see the light from the streetlights outside reflecting in his eyes.  I could see a few tear marks from his eyes and could see that he was trying so hard to be there for me when he had also lost so much.  I reached up and wiped the tracks away.  "Come here...' I said, pulling him to me this time. 

We laid entangled with each other, tears in our eyes and sadness weighing our hearts down.  It was well into the night when we both just laid there without saying a word, no more tears to be shed... we also felt a little better.  I did not feel so alone.