Even the moon has a dark side -- Spring 1999

I could tell that Maisie wanted more from me than just a friendhsip.  But I could not do that without her knowing some things that Peter made me do... especially to Ginny back in the summer of 1997.  He knew he was losing it with the Dark Lord and he convinced me that to make Harry weak, I had to go after Ginny.  I was a horrible person.  I looked at Maisie as we sat by the lake -- one of the only places where I knew we would not be overheard.  "Maisie... I need to tell you something," I said to her quietly.  I did not want to do this.  It would scare Maisie away.  But maybe that was what I wanted... I was used to being alone and not really having anyone to confide in.  At least, that was what my therapist said.

Whenever Evan said something like that to preface a conversation, I knew that it would be a long one.  Some of the things he confided in me... well, they made me rather uneasy.  But I did not admit it to him.  He needed a friend and he definitely found one from me.  And, in spite of everything, I found myself falling for him.  I just knew that he was nowhere close to wanting something more than a friendship, so I never mentioned anything to him.  "Sure, Evan," I said to him casually.  "What's on your mind?" I knew that he had a session with the therapist earlier that week... so maybe he just wanted to tell me some new findings or something that had happened.

I sighed.  "I need to confess something," I said to her quietly.  We were getting to be more than friends in a way... and what she needed to know was what I was coerced to do to Ginny -- something I would always regret.

Another confession.  I was not sure how many more I could take -- but I was not about to tell him that.  I nodded at him.  "You know you can tell me anything," I said to him softly.  I looked into his blue eyes and saw remorse and pain.  It made me feel so bad for him.

I nodded at her.  I was afraid to tell her this, though, because she may find it too much.  "I used to date Ginny Weasley," I said to her, as if she did not know that already.  But I needed to start somewhere.

I nodded at him slowly.  "Yes, I know that," I said to him.  There seemed to be at this school no way to keep that a secret.  Everyone thought it odd that Ginny was dating him -- one, because she fancied Harry so much and two, because Evan was a Slytherin.  What else was there?

I took a deep breath.  How was I going to tell her any of this?  "I was forced to do that... by Peter," I added, as if she did not already put that together.

I bit my lip trying to figure out what and where he was going with any of this.  "Okay..." I said slowly.  "What else is there?" I could tell there was much more here than what met the eye.

I sighed.  "Peter threatened me that if I did not do... certain things to her to try to make Harry weak for the Dark Lord... he told me that he would hurt Professor Lupin, Uncle P-Sirius, and Jetty," I said, the pain in my voice.  They were the only two people, at the time, who had been there for me.  The only two people I trusted.  And Peter knew that he was losing me so he could not just ask me to do something lightly... especially something like that.  I hung my head.  "I hurt her, Maisie; I didn't want to, but I thought I was protecting Jetty, Uncle Sirius, and Uncle Moony."  That was really the first time I ever called him that in front of anyone.  That was who he had become to me -- Uncle Moony.  He was getting me to open up and whatnot -- same as Uncle Padfoot.  I was so daft to think that my uncles could not defend themselves, but Peter was evil.  He had his ways and means to harm someone more than they ever thought possible.  And I could not let him hurt Jetty...

When he spoke, I felt sorry for him.  I would never tell him that, though.  That was a big no-no for Evan.  He did not want anyone to feel sorry for him - especially those he opened up to about.  I sighed.  "Ev, he gave you no choice.  You were trying to protect the ones you trusted and cared for... and they were all you had at the time," I pointed out to him.  It was before his mum and sister came back.  He did not want to lose anyone else.  Not that I agree with what he did, but I can at least understand why he did it.

I looked over at Maisie, unable to believe that she was still rooting for me.  i was sure my disbelief was written all over my face because she took my had to reassure me.  "But I should have done something different," I said to her, almost trying to get her to run away from me.  "I mean... I shouldn't have given in so easily to the threats."  I dropped my eyes from her.

"Practically my entire family would've stood up and not given in like that," I added quietly.

I could read his disbelief and sadness and disappointment in himself.  I put a hand on his shoulder.  "You can't comare yourself to your family, Evan.  Look at your Uncle Sirius.  He stood out and he's a pretty cool guy, you've said so yourself.  All that you can do now is either prove to people that you are who you want to be... or continue to give in to threats -- even though they can't come from Peter anymore," I said to him softly.

I could not believe Maisie right now.  She was throwing logic in my face among other things.  I smiled faintly at her.  "You're right," i said.  "Now, don't think that you'll always be right... but I can't keep wallowing in self pity and whatnot for things that I was coerced to do.  I just need to prove that I am better than that.  I have to find a way to right the wrongs that I did, though..." And how would I ever be able to do that?

I looked at him and wished there was some way for me to help relieve him of some of the anguish he was feeling about all of this.  "Evan," I said to him gently, "you know that you'll be forgiven... it'll just take time.  And as long as you stay on teh track that you're on... you'll win everyone's hearts."

I was not as confident as Maisie, but perhaps that why I needed her friendship.  I did want it,t oo, but I needed it.  "I'm glad that I have you as a cheerleader," I said to her, teasing.  She had told me all about cheerleaders in the Muggle world and I just pictured her doing tha and I could not help but laugh.