There are things inside me I need to kill -- TBD

I felt like I was drowning in some sort of darkness.  I had no idea how I was to handle all of this.  I would need to get some sort of guidance.. but from who?  Chloe had a hard time getting Moony to stay away from his darker side -- though I had to admit, this was the side of Remus we always wanted to see, just not this bad.  He was the one who kept us on track.  Now how was I going to handle all of this?  I needed to get it all uner control, though.  I did nto want to worry Lily about the way I was feeling and what Iseemed to be fighting against.  I had our son and little girl to fight for... I just never thought I would have to fight agaisnt myself.  I had apparated without really realizing where I had been going until I recognized that I was in the only place I remembered I had ever had to fight a darkness within myself and succeeded.  It was a place we all knew... it was a place that Remus seemed to have gone to a lot during the time of helping Dumbledore and the Orer.  I was not surprised to see my friend standing in the clearing by himself.  I slowly walked up to him.  "Hey Moony," I said, announcing my presence.  I did nto want to freak him out by startling him.  he still was not the same as what he was -- but neither was I anymore.

I had been lost in my own thoughts when James wlaked up.  I was struggling to be the man everyone knew and loved to being teh man I now was.  They all had a hard time with it ad I did nto blame them.  It probably seemed like I was the evil twin.  I smiled at my friend.  "Prongs... did Chloe send you to find me?" I said.  I had just left without really saying anything about where I was going.

I chuckled and shook my head.  "Nah, I actually came here for myself," I said honestly.  I ran a hand through my hair.  I could not help but be comforted by having my friend there.  I had no idea that I needed company... but I definitely appreciated it.

I raised my eyebrows at my friend.  "Want to talk about it?  Or leave it alone and we can just be silent," I said.  Sometimes being with someone, but in silence, helped.  While other times it was nice to talk about what was going on in your mind.

I shrugged, staying quiet.  There was o way that I could keep doing this... I was just pretending.  I had a daughter and son to be a role model for them.  I had Lily who needed a husband... the husband she fell in love with.  After everythign she has been through, lily deserved at least that.  And I was getting to the point of not being able to do it.  "How do you do it?" I asked Remus.

I looked at James ad sighed.  "I don't," I replied honestly.  "I'm just extremely good at making it appear I have it all under control."  Every day I woke up having to try to control Boris and my dark side.  It was a battle that I was so close to losing util Chloe woke up.  She saved me from myself.  I never knew how much she did that until she was gone... from what I could remember anyways.

I was surprised by Remus's blatant honesty.  I mean, he was always honest before, but he always told us he had it all under control.  "What?  Why have you never said anything before?" I inquired.  It was easier to help my friend with his insecurities and problems than with my own.

I shook my head.  "the fact that I had everyone as a support system was all you could do anyways.  There was no point worrying you all that you could easily lose your mate," I said simply.  I looked at James.  "But we're not going into my problems, James.  I know you're struggling with everything.  Talk to me.  I'm one who knows this struggle all too well."  I have grown weary of the constant battle, but I also knew that if I gave up... I would lose everything -- including myself.

i should have known Moony would not let my concerns go unexplained.  He seemed so much wiser in his years than what he was.  I was starting to realize why.  My own struggle wore me out and it has only been a handful o fyears, not a life time.  "remus... I killed a man with my bare hands and felt no remorse.  I watched th elife leave his eyes.  And I didn't feel a thing except for... some sort of happiness," I admitted quietly.  "And he was our mate so long ago..." I never thought that I would be ablet o do something like that.  i mean I was James -- a Gryffindor.  I should not have these feelings.

I knew that it had to deal with Peter.  I was getting some of my memories -- no matter how vague and choppy -- back.  I put a hand on his shoulder.  "I'd be lying if I said killing Greyback didn't make me feel the same way.  Sometimes I wish that it would not have been so quick for him," I said darkly.  That memory was one that came back rather quickly.  I shook my head slightly as if hoping it would get rid of those feelings.  "James, after what he put you and Lily through... it's understandable."

I never realized that Remus had a struggle with killing Greyback.  I ran a hand through my hair.  "I... have you ever told Chloe all of this?" I asked.  Should I tell Lily?  I did not want to scare her or anything... but we alway told each other everything.

I smiled slightly and shook my head.  "I don't remember if I did before, but I have not now.  I know it's been rough on everyone the change I've gone through.  And if I didn't tell her before, I don't want her to think that she's losing me or anything like that," I replied honestly.  I knew chloe would be there for me no matter what, but I wanted to put as little pressure on her as possible.  It was hard enough being wiht me when they thought I was strong, confident, and good.

I nodded, understanding completely.  No wonder Moony was always tired and worn out... not only was it his curse, but the constant struggle he kept hidden all too well.  Perhaps I would tell Lily one day, but I also did not want my wife to worry.  "I just feel like it's a constant battle with myself now... it was never this difficult before to make the right choice.  Never this hard to stay on the right path.  It's beginning to get to me," I confided.  I looked around the clearing and could not help but wonder why it seemed a safe refuge to spill our darkest of secrets.

I shook my head slightly.  "That's a battle I've gone every day fighting, James," I said to Prongs softly.  "I don't really ever remember living without the curse.  So when it comes to that, I don't have much insight."  I was at least being honest with him.  This curse was my life.  Even if I used to have memories of life of normalcy, they were no longer there.

Moony was right.  i sighed and shook my head.  "How do you win the daily battle, then?" I don't want to lose myself," I said, fear lacing my voice.  i did ot want that to happen.  I had two children who I loved dearly... and the love of my life counted on me.  My sister looked up to me.