Nothing to say, don't even try -- Fall 2011

I smiled at him and poured us something to drink.  "It's alright, RJ," I said, knowing it made him feel more involved when we used the nickname Stan gave him.  "You now I'm here for you... but I understand wanting to talk to anyone outside of your parents, too."  I knew better than to ask what was wrong.  In Ryan's mind it would feel like I was pushing him.  He was so much like me, I knew what not to do... it was just hard.  It gave me so much more understanding of what Mum and Dad had to put up with when it had been me at that age.

I nodded as I took a huge bite of the masterpiece sandwich.  It was like eating a pice of heaven, though mos tothers thought I was nuts for liking it.  We sat in silence as we ate.  I had no idea what I was planning on doing yet.  I was only nine... I should not be as grown up as I was.  "Dad... ar eyou happy?  I don't see you smiling or laughing as much as you used to.  Unless you're with Dona or Stan," I said.  He did not really even smile or laugh that much with me... but that was partially my fault as well.

I took a drink and wiped my mouth with a napkin.  Where was this coming from?  I was having more days where I was down lately, but that did not mean I was not happy.  "Why didn't you add yourself into that equation?" I asked, thinking I would address that issue first... if he would give me an answer.

I sighed a little and shrugged.  "Well... I'm not home a lot.  And I argue a lot," I asnwered, picking up our plates and putting them into the sink.  I was surprised I was being so honest.  "But that's not exactly the main problem.  Maybe it's part of it... I don't know."  I had a hard time trying to explain my concerns.

I had a hard time following everything  I nodded while trying to process his vague thoughts.  "Arguing isn't all on you, RJ.  Your mum and I add to it along with your siblings," I said.  "But what's the main problem you're trying to make me aware of?" I wanted to help, but I had no clue what he was trying to talk about.

I ran my left hand through my hair.  yes, I was left handed just like Dad.  "I guess the prolem is that it doesn't seem like any of us are really happy.  Well, except Dona.  I don't think she could ever be unhappy," I explained.  One thing I was jealous of my sister was her uncanny ability to always see the bright side of things an dbe happy.

Okay, now Ryan was making sense.  I did not think everyone was entirely unhappy, though.  I knew that Ryan was the least happy because he was just like me.  He felt better in a different family than his own -- that was obvious.  Addie was getting more distant, but she was still mostly happy... it was just hard for us.  Sedona, like Ryan said, was always happy.  I did notice Stan getting more and more surly.  But he had a hard time talking to me about it.  It had me a little concerned because Stan always could talk to me before.  Though I did know he always talked with Ryan... so it made me feel a little bit better.  I ran a hand through my hair.  "RJ... you're still a kid.  YOu don'tneed to worry so much," I said, trying to calm my son's concerns.

Dad was right.  I should not worry so much.  But I just wanted us all to be the way we used to be.  "Okay.  But still... I just want to go back the way we were before," I said quietly.  I ran a hand through my hair again.  "I'm gonna go hang with Stan."  I moved to walk tot he bedroom I shared with him.  I stopped in the doorway for a moment.  "Thanks Dad," I added with a smile.

"I'm always here for you, kiddo,' I assured him.  I let him leave and sighed heavily.  My nine year old was too mature for his age.  He was right, though.  None of us were the same -- but change was to be expected with how things were.  This was difficult on everyone.  I would have to make more of an effort to make things easier for RJ and Stan.  They needed to be able to be their age, not to worry or act years older..  I knew there was only so much I could do, but I would try to do my best.