With every move I die -- Fall 2016

I went over to check on my son.  I knew he was having a hard time with evrything going on despite his strong front.  I could see it in his eyes no matter how hard he tried to hide it.  I knocked as I entered.  "Dean, sweetie?" I called out.  I really did not want him to be left alone. My son had a tendency to do stupid things when he felt the way he did right now.

I heard my mum's voice and sighed.  I was laying down because the pain was close to unberable today -- physically and mentally.  At times like these, my dark bedroom was my only escape.  I sighed and reached for my wand.  I waved it to give me light.  I sat up and started the long process of getting into the wheelchair.  "Hey Mum... I'm back here," I answered, raising my voice so she could hear me from teh hallway.

I hurried back to Dean's bedroom where I saw him struggling to get into his chair.  It was obvious that my son shoudl be resting.  I put a hand on his shoulder as I sat next to him.  "Dean, stop," I said quietly to my struggling child.  "I'm here to help... just rest."  I saw the look of despair that he was trying to hide from me.  If he was not my child, I would not have noticed it at all.

I stopped and looked at my mum.  "I'm fine, really.  You don't need to worry," I lied.  There was no reason for her to worry.  Well, there was, but she did nto need to.  I was just having a rough day... which was the story of my life as of late.

I wrapped my arm around Dean's shoulders.  I knew that it was not best to argue with him.  I kissed the top of his head when he rested his head on my shoulder.  "I'm your mum, Dean.  You should know you can't hide anything from me," I informed him, even though he should know that by now.  Even if he was in his thirties, he was allowed to still need his mother.

I rested my head on Mum's shoulder, amazed that my emotional and mental pain seemed to ease slightly.  "I can't do it.  I don't know if I can do it.  I always thought that losing her would be the end of me -- I mean look what happened before when we were apart.  But now... now I want nothing more than for her to disappear form my life," I said quietly.  "but I can't do that either.  I can't put myself firrst.  I need to put the kids first... and they need her even if they don't realize it at the moment."

I squeezed Dean tightly.  "I know, Dean.  It's hard... no one would have ever thought that this would happen wtih you and Addie.  But now here we are.  Don't let what she did define you, Dean.  Let what you do about it define you.  We're all here for you.  You don't have to do this alone."  I looked at Dean and saw the tears in his eyes.

I blinked back tears.  Never in a million years did I expect something like this to happen.  "Mum, I know.  I won't always mope around like this... but right now, I need to just not move.  I don't know if it's the strain of everythign going on or what.. but the normal pain I feel is intensified tenfold," I said softly.  This was the most I have admitted to anything when it came to my injury since it happened.  I tried to hide the fact that I was constantly hurting for the sake of the kids.

I rubbed his baack to soothe him like I did when he was a little boy.  "Just lay down, honey.  Let someone take care of you for a change," I said to him quietly.  I hated seeing him like this, but I was sort of happy to see Dean not always being strong -- that can wear on a person.

I smiled slightly and laid back.  "I think that I will take you up on that Mum," I told her.  I hated needing help, but it woudl be stupid if I did not accept it with the way I was feeling at the moment.

I smiled at my so and stood up.  I covered him up.  I knew the only way he would feel somewhat better was to take the potion he refused to take because of his past addiction problems.  "Why don't I make you soem tea and breakfast?" I suggested.  I woudl brooch the subject of pain medication after he got something into his stomach.

I was so grateful that I had Mum there.  "I'm not entirely sure tea is what I need to help, but I'd gladly take a cup," I said, attempting to smile.

I was at the bedroom door when I heard that.  I stopped.  "I do know where that potion is... do you want that instead?  I'll make sure nothing happens so you don't do something you'll regret."  I wanted to make sure that he could rest and feel better; it was a mother's prerogative.

I looked at Mum.  I really was not sure if I wanted to open that can of worms, but I needed something.  "Only if you help," I said quietly.  It took quite a long time for me to ask for help... even from my own mum.  I just knew I could not do it on my own today.

I knew how hard this was for dean.  I nodded and left the room.  I got everything around and returned to Dean's bedroom.  He looked miserable.  I sat on the edge of the bed getting him to drink the potion.  "There you go, sweetie," I said gently, helping him with taking it.