The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on so long -- 1997

I was not sure if I could go on... no, I knew I could not.  It had been sixteen years, if my counts were accurate, that Peter had me locked away like his little pet.  I had lost all hope or belief that Harry or Lily were alive.  I knew Ember would hate it if I was really gone -- but she thought that already.  I paced around the room.  I was cut off from teh entire world for sixteen years.  I was so tired of fighting or trying.  I knew that I could not keep on keeping on... this was just too much for me.  The darkness... teh anger... the failed escape attempts.  This was my last resort and I was finally to that point.  I never thought I would get to my breaking point like this... I had never wanted to break myself like this.  I stopped pacing and slid down the wall to sit down on the floor.  I reached beneath the bed and pulled out the knife I had fashioned.  I moved my fingers around, practically twirling the knife in my hand.  Was I really going to do this?  I heard movement outside the door and hid hte knife quickly.  I looked up as the door opened up to show Peter Pettirew.

I walked in and saw James looking worse than he ever has.  He looked so... broken.  Maybe we could finally begin anew.  I just wished that it would not have taken sixteen years.  I set his food down on the desk and sat on the edge of the bed.  "James... what's wrong?  Do you want to talk?" I asked him.  I wanted him to open up to me.  Like we used to do.  I did however, see sides of James I never knew existed.  It was... I was happy to know that there were other sides of James that only I have seen.  Sides he did not even show Sirius or Remus when we were in school.

I stared at my hands.  I really did not want to talk.  I just wanted to be by myself so I could get my thoughts in order.  I had no idea what I was going to end up doing.  I no longer had hope.  I was just tired.  I was ready to be done with this existence... and it did not matter how it changed as long as it did.  I did answer Pettigrew with just a shake of my head.

I sighed.  I had wondered about whether or not I should give up on all of this.  I stood up and went to the doorway.  "James... you have to talk to me about things at one point or another.  I am the only friend you've got now," I said to him.  I wanted him to talk to me... it was the only way to save him.

"You are no friend of mine, Peter.  Just leave, please... I want to be alone," I said quietly.  My voice sounded so rough... it did not even sound like me.  I have been saying that for a very long time now.  That had been one of the first things for me to lose a piece of myself.  I slowly kept losing pieces of what made me... well, me.  And I was sure I finally lost everything.

I would abide by James' request.  I opened the door and left.  I hoped that me leaving was not going to be a mistake.  I had an odd feeling and I had no idea what was making me feel this horrible.  I walked out and closed the door behind me.  I made a mental note that I would try harder with my friend.  Hopefully he would realize how much I cared about him.  When I would make rounds tonight, I was hoping to have Jetty helping with Lily to give me more time to spend with my friend.

When the door closed, I reached for the knife again.  I stared at it, thinking it could easily be my release.  I do not know how long I sat there contemplating.  All I saw was Lily's face... she was gone.  I could hear my little boy's giggles.  He would be a teenager now if had had been alive.  I felt tears escape and fall down my cheeks.  I could not do this anymore.  I was already gone.  I close my eyes and pictured the faces of those I loved.  I really did not want to go like this, but I no longer had any fight left in me.  I clenched my jaw as the knife dug into my wrists.  I sat there with my eyes closed thinking of my family as I slowly felt myi life slip away from me.

I had made some excuse to my dad that I needed to go to where he was keeping Lily adn James Potter.  I was glad that he trusted me enough to let me go alone.  But I knew he had ways of watching.  I came to make a few notes about everything that will be going down in a few days time.  I had already let Lily know that help will be coming soon.  I let her know as much as I could.  I had finally gotten this one chance to sneak in to see James Potter.  I opened his chamber door and what I saw was not good.  I rushed forward and took my shirt off.  I rippd it into pieces as I wrapped it around his wrists.  I slapped his face lightly, not wanting to drag him through the pool of blood that had formed beneath him.  I hoped I was not too late.  "James!  Wake up... don't you dare leave us.  They're alive... don't leave them," I said, swearing under my breath.  I splashed the cup of water my father left onto James' face.  Finally I saw his eyelids flutter.  "Yes, that's ti!  Can you hear me?  James?"

I heard a voice, pulling me back to reality.  I opened my eyes slowly.  The look of joy on the young man's face gave me some strength.  "Who are you?" I asked weakly.  I looked around and saw the puddle of blood around me and that the kid was kneeling in it, making sure that the self inflicted wounds were wrapped up and the bleeding stopped.  He was being so kind and gentle... I could nto believe it.  Was this real?

I smiled at the man who was going to be saved soon.  I wished I could get them out on my own right now.  But I was afraid of Dad and what he would do.  "It does not matter who I am," I said simply.  "Just don't give up.  They're alive... Lily and Harry.  They're both alive."  I really wanted to get everything cleaned up before Dad got back.  "Can you use me to get up?  We don't have a lot of time.  We need to get you cleaned up before he sees you like this."  I would get James cleaned up and then clean his room.  I knew that Dad was probably getting his alarm alerts so I needed to work quickly.

I nodded and used the boy to help me stand.  I could sense the fact we needed to move as quickly as possible.  I had lost quite a bit of blood, so I was extremely weak.  But the news that Harry and Lily were alive gave me strength.  "They're alive?  How do you know?" I asked, moving as quickly as I could.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  I was so dizzy.  We got to the wash room and he helped me clean up a little and change out of my blood stained clothes.

I tossed James new clothes.  I was grateful that Dad kept things here for his little pets.  "I go to school with Harry," I said, poking my head in to see James sitting on the lid of the toilet looking quite pale.  "I'm Peter's son.  I'm helping Harry and Dean.  They'll be here to rescue you and Lily soon.  I came back here to get the last intel I can so we have a fighting chance to save you both."  I put his arm around my shoulder and I lifted him and helped him walk back to his cell.  "You almost took away our chance to save you," I added, helping him lay down.  I quickly cleared the blood from teh floor.

I could nto believe this young man was Jetty - Tobi and Peter's son.  I would view him more as Tobi's son than Peter's.  He was so much more like his mother.  I nodded at him.  "Why don't you just get Lily out now," I said, catching on that she was trapped, too.  Did she even know I was alive?

I shook my head.  "too much risk... there are too many protective spells and hexes."  I checked my watch.  I was surprised only fifteen minutes had passed.  I looked at James.  "I need to leave.  You only have to make it a few more days.  You never saw me," I told him.  I got to the door and hesitated.  "Eat and get strenght.  You'll need it."  I opened the door and left.  I hoped that he would nto do anything else stupid... and that Dad would nto figure anything out that happened today.

Jetty gave me new found hope.  "Thank you," I said to him.  I laid back on the pillow, hoping that the room would stop spinning.  Tobi's son left and I let my mind wander.  I hoped Lily was thinking about me as I thought of her... and Harry.  What kind of man did he grow up to be?  Had he been with Ember?  I hoped so.  My mind was reeling with thoughts of what my son possibly went through without me or Lily with him to be there.  And I had just given up.  Thank merlin for Jetty Pettigrew for saving me tonight.