Left me drowning in my tears -- Early Fall 2008

It took all of my self control not to shout at my aunt.  "I am not staying in here for three months, Aunt Lily," I said, my tone extremely level and I had to speak slowly to keep it that way.  "I refuse.  I... I just can't be in here that long.  I'll go crazy.  And stop giving me that look... I can see it in your eyes," I added, tears on the brink of falling again.  "I won't have any sympathetic looks or pity coming from any of you.  My entire lower half feels like I'm on fire, but there's nothing I can do about it.  I can't feel anything else... and I can't move it.  And my entire upper half is so stiff that when I move, I feel like my bones and body are screaming at me to sit still and not do a damn thing."  I knew that would just make Aunt Lily say that I needed to be in there all the more, but I was not one for sitting still.  "I hurt so much, Aunt Lily," I said in hushed tones.  "But don't give me anything.  I don't want anything... we all know what could easily happen if I get any pain meds or things like that."  I just had all these fears going through my head.  Too many things were racing through my mind and I leaned back in the bed, laying my head on the pillow and staring at the ceiling.  I finally let the tears escape from my eyes as I closed them.  "I'm not strong enough to handle this," I admitted, my voice barely audible.

Sighing, " I am afraid to tell you that it is best for you to stay here for three months minimum." I told him, knowing I was dealing with a volcano just like his parents. " You don't have a choice in the matter." I said pulling the family card as well as the doctor card. " You will do no one any good leaving before you can handle it." I felt the tugs at my heart string. " You don't know how strong you are until you are put to the test. This will test you and that's for sure."

I could not do this.  I shook my head.  "I can't do this," I said.  I was not able to do this.  If I did not have kids... I would probably give up right there and just let myself go.  I looked at my aunt.  "Aunt Lily... I can't... I don't know if I can do this.  How am I supposed to do this?  This isn't me... I-I'm the protector.  And now I-I'm nothing..."  I realized that no more could anyone look to me to help them.  I could not save anyone anymore... I could not protect my own son from becoming blinded...

I felt for him, I did. " For you to become that again you need to trust me....I mean that. You know that I will do everything I can to get you back to the best normal I can. " I told my nephew. I know he was about to burst, " Dean the best thing you can do is get better to feel better." I told him. " I know I am speaking in riddles....I apologize for it. "

I knew that Aunt Lily knew best when it came to anything medical, but if I sat at St. Mungo's for three months... all I would do is dwell on what happened.  I blinked back tears as I was not one to just willingly start to cry my eyes out.  But I think that this was a good reason to.  I took a deep breath and realized that it was extremely shaky.  It was a mixture of fear, pain, anger, frustration, disappointment.  I was so uncomfortable and I was starting to panic.  I hated feeling like I was unable to do anything -- which was the truth.  I felt trapped.  "I know.... I do trust you," I said quietly.  "I just don't trust myself... I have no faith in myself, either.  All I can see right now is a dark tunnel -- there's no light at the end of it.  I am so scared, Aunt Lily."  I looked at her and let myself break.  "I am so scared... I'm going to lose myself... I'm just... I'm..."  I could not even say what was going through my head.  I had way too many things running through my mind at once.  I had no idea what was going to happen.  What was everyone going to think of me?  Would the kids still view me as their hero?

"Your a strong young man, your family loves you....you are as hard headed as most men I know." I told him with a smile. " It'll be hard that's for sure...but I know you and your mentality. Your stubborn so your not going to let this win. " I told him as I took his hand and squeezed it. " Believe me, it makes sense to be scared....I will do everything in my power to make this as easy and quick as I can...but I can't have you trying to escape....we've had to deal with that with your dad...I know all the tricks trust me...and if necessary...which I hope it isn't ..." I paused giving my nephew a look. " I will charm your room to not let you leave..." I said as a matter of fact. " Your wife and kids still look up to you....they know you can do this....the thing is you need to know you can." I told him.

I ran a hand through my hair, not entirely sure if I was going to be able to pull this off.  I leaned back against the pillow, shaking my head.  "I-I don't know... I am sure that they all still love me and whatnot.  But... how on earth am I going to be able to be the person they look up to?" I hated admitting my fears and doubts.  There was a difference between knowing that I could be the man they expected me to be and them loving me for who I was.  I looked at her.  "Please... if there's any way for me not to be here for that long..." I knew that Aunt Lily would do what she could.

My nephew looked so frightened, " I will do whatever I can for you Dean. I can't promise anything, but we will see how everything goes." I told him. I knew he wanted to be out of here as soon as he got here. " They haven't changed the way they look at you. From what I can tell Constantine sees you in a whole new light. When the time comes he'll need you to talk too. " I patted his hand.

None of her words seemed to stick with me except for what she said about Constantine.  It caused a pause in my panicking.  "What do you mean?" I asked.  How could he see me in an entirely different light that was positive?  I could no longer protect him -- or the other two.  Not the way I was used to doing, anyways.  And I knew that Aunt LIly would do everything she could to help me while in here, but who else was I going to panic to?  I needed to be strong for my family and they have come to expect that from me.

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" He sees you in a whole new light to really know how strong you are and what you are willing to do for them." I said to him. Knowing it will be difficult for him no matter what. "It's going to be hard for you...I won't lie to you...it's going to be a hard run. I know you can do it." I told him.

I wanted to have a smart retort back to her, but I had nothing.  I felt tears in my eyes still, even with her reassurances.  I was scared -- hell, I was petrified.  How could I pull through this?  "I-I'm glad you have confidence in me," I said to her, my voice shaky, "because I know I don't."

"You'll get through this Dean..." I told him, " It may seem impossible right now but you can do it." I told him, it'll take time but he can do it. " You're to damn stubborn to quit."

I chuckled slightly.  "Well, you do have a point there," I said with a shaky voice.  I was calming down a bit.  I just would be losing so much... my after work runs in the morning... hell, what would hte Auror office do?  I loved that job and I needed it... I had a family to support.  I ran a hand through my hair.  "There's just... it'll change everything," I said, switching my wording around.