Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream, it's how I get by -- Spring 1978 (DONE)

I wondered what he meant by that.  Was he crying out for help?  I crossed my arms over my chest as we walked.  "I thought I was handling everything," I answered honestly.  "Apparently not..."  I gazed across the lake as we stood by the edge for the moment, listening to the water lapping up onto shore with the wind.  "I was so hell bent on proving to James and Sirius that I didn't need them to protect me that I didn't realize how much I relied on their protection until today in the corridor.  I mean, I have done a lot to learn to protect myself between learning how to use my fists a lot better to learning different spells... but then they cornered me and I felt like I froze.  And that's what scared me the most, I think.  The fact that the fear of what I know could easily happen again... it just freezes me."  I shook my head at myself.  I probably sounded so weak and stupid to Regulus right now.

I stayed quiet for a little bit, unsure what to say to help her honestly.  I smiled, though, at her.  "Well, it didn't look like you froze to me," I told her.  "You were ready to hit Wilkes in the fact with what looked like could have been a pretty good punch."  To me that was not freezing in a situation.  But perhaps she would not have gone through with it.  I wondered if the only reason I recognized the fear in her eyes for what it was, was because I had seen it be put there first hand by other Death Eaters by what they made me witness... and partake in at times.  The thought made my stomach clench and I felt like I was going to retch like I did when the events themselves happened.  The other Death Eaters teased me, but said that I would easily get past that stage.  I was not so sure.

I did not even realize that I was about to punch one of them.  I raised my eyebrows at Regulus as we started to walk again; the wind making us a little chilly without our movement to warm us up.  "Wait... I was really moving into action?  How can I not really remember this?" I asked, thinking that he was lying to me now.  There was no way I would nto remember trying to fight back.

I nodded at her, not entirely surprised that she did not really remember.  "The fear does that to a person," I said, shrugging.  Fear was something that I seemed to dealwith on a regular basis now that I was part of what I was.  "You're body goes into motion without your mind realizing it.  Be grateful that your body knows what it's doing even if the mind doesn't," I pointed out.  Her mind may have been frozen in fear, but at least she was attempting to defend herself without really realizing it.

I smiled, enjoying the thought that I did not freeze like I thought I did.  Going out on a limb, I asked, "Reg, what is it that has you feeling so trapped that you don't think that you can wake up from the nightmare?" I was sure I would know the answer even if he did not give me a straight answer.  I realized that I had reached out and grabbed his arm in a manner that I did to Lily and Chloe when I let them know that I was there for them.  If he really wanted out, he could go to Dumbledore.  I was sure that he would help Regulus.

It was as if she reached out to the part of me that I refused to let out.  I shook my head at her, surprised that someone that I never talked really could elicit this reaction from me.  I was the prodigal child, I should nto feel the way I did.  I did not want my parents love and devotion; I wanted my brother.  But there was no way I would have ever gotten him back... so I went on the path that would make my parents proud.  I was perfectly happy with that path when I first chose it, now I was scared at what the power was doing to me... to everyone.  It was too much for one person to handle, yet there he was, wielding it with a passion.  I was not myself anymore.  I was what everyone wanted me to be.  There was no way for me to become my own person anymore; I was just the product of what was expected of me.  I looked down at the ground, trying to hide the tears that had come to my eyes.  I took a deep breath to calm myself a little bit.  "It's nothing, Ember," I lied, knowing that she would end up seeing right through that, just like i saw through her claim of being fine.

Though he tried to hide it, I saw the emotion that was so close to the surface before he pushed it back down.  I stopped and made him stop and face me as gently as I could.  "Reg, I don't know what's going on... but let me help you," I said softly.  It would give me something to do other than to worry about the nightmare I kept running from.  A person could not hold things inside like that; I was learning the hard way... and it apparently seemed like Regulus was, too.  I had no idea what was going on, but I did not like the look of despair I saw written on his face, the look of helplessness in his eyes.  Regulus always looked so calm and collected.  "Please... let me try," I added, knowing that he would already tell me no.  I wanted to help him...

There was no way i was going to let Ember in on anything; that would just put her in harms way.  I wanted to warn her about Pettigrew... he was a little rat.  But how on earth would I do that without giving myself up?  They would end up getting hurt either way.  the Dark Lord would not punish just me, but those close to me.  And me pushing my brother farther and farther away from me was a front to make it seem like he did nto matter to me.  But I was sure that the Dark Lord would see through that and hurt him and anyone else just to get at me.  Anyone he thought would hurt me indirectly he would torture just so I would learn a lesson.  I was not about to let Ember get involved.  It was dangerous just to be talking to me if they ever found out about the doubts running through my head.  I smiled sadly at her and shook my head again, starting to walk again.  "There's nothing you can do for me," I said quietly, looking down as I climbed up the stairs to get back within the confines of the castle walls.

Why were men so difficult?  I sighed and rolled my eyes.  I caught back up to Regulus and stopped him.  But instead of talking to him, this time I gave him a hug, something I never thought I would do.  I pulled back and kept my hands on his shoulders.  "Reg, you are not alone.  If you need help, all you need to do is ask.  The past that haunts you doesn't matter to me.  I can find a way to help," I told him, dropping my hands to my sides and started to walk again.  We did not need everyone to be starting rumors like I was sure they already were.

I was surprised by the show of kindness from Ember when she hugged me, that I stood there, frozen like a moron.  While she walked away, I gathered my thoughts for a moment.  I easily caught up to her and put a hand on her shoulder.  "Neither are you," I said to her.  "Let the others help you.  They're worried about you... so let them help if they want to."  I know, I sounded like such a hypocrite right now.  But her problem was a lot easier to deal with than mine.  "You need to focus on you.  So please, don't worry about me," I added, not wanting to get her involved with anything.  It would make her an easy target.

I smiled at him.  "Helping others does help me... it makes me feel like I can at least make a difference in something, even if it's not my own life," I explained.  Maybe I woudl go to Sirius to tell him something was wron gwith Regulus.  I just was not sure f he would listen or not; there was a lot of history there and I was not sure if either one of them could put it behind them.  Regulus would have hte pride of not wanting help and Sirius would have all the hatred and anger to not want to offer it.  Which was why I was offering my hand to help him. That was the least I could do.

She really was a sweetheart; I could see why Sirius liked her.  I squeezed her shoulder.  Now was probably the best time for my departure.  "Like I said, I'm fine and don't worry about me.  You honestly cannot do anything for me... I would be a lost cause, so I would end up making you feel worse because you wouldn't be able to make a difference in my problems," I told her honestly and sadly.  I started to turn away, but then I stopped.  I looked over my shoulder at her and flashed her a genuine smile.  "But you did at least help me today, Ember.  Thank you for letting me have a chance to help you," I said before turning away from her.  I knew she wanted to help me, but I was a lost cause.  I did not want to make her feel any worse than she already did because there was no way she would be able to help me.  I would just continue to drown in what I had become.  If I survived any of this, I would nto expect anything so grand from my own children.  I would not put this kind of pressure on them to be perfect at everything.  This would happen to them, then, too... and I did not want that to happen.  I was in a downward spiral and I was not sure how much longer I would be able to handle everything that I was expected to do...

I watched Regulus walk away and I felt like it was a mistake to let him go, but what else could I do?  He did not want my help.  I wondered if I should go to Professor Dumbledore anyways.  I had no idea what I was going to do about the knowledge I now had.  Regulus seemed to want help, but refused to accept any.  I smiled when he said that I did help him a little bit. I headed towards the Gryffindor common room myself with the smile lingering on my face.  He had helped me a lot today as well.  I realized I needed to stop being so bull headed and let my brother and boyfriend hlep me as much as they wanted to... I did not need to constantly try to prove that I could handle myself because clearly I could.  Let someone else fight for me while I had them.