Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream, it's how I get by -- Spring 1978 (DONE)

It was the start of my sixth year and I was now a Death Eater.  I had been given a new confidence that I never thought that I would have.  I was the quiet one; not so much anymore.  I did not care what people said about me or even tried to do to me, it was as if they knew what had happened.  I was pretty much untouchable now.  I was walking out of the library when I saw a group of Slytherins in Sirius's year messing with Potter, his girlfriend now.  I was just going to walk by when I saw the fear in her eyes.  There was something there that called out to me, I was not sure what it was.  Then I remembered hearing the stories -- the guys boasting in the common room -- of what happened with Murdock, Evans, and Potter.  I still was just going to walk away when I heard one hit her.  I would do a lot and I have already done quite a bit to prove myself, but one does not slap a woman.  I turned on my heel and smirked a little bit when I saw her getting ready to punch the guy back.  "Rosier - Wilkes.  Walk away," I said in a quiet, yet demanding voice.  I just stood there, not really too concerned at how this would be portrayed back to Him.  When they only stared at me -- including Potter -- I took a step forward.  "Do I need to say it again?" I threatened.  Though they wanted to be Death Eaters, they weren't quite there yet.  And they knew I was.  Despite not wanting to, they walked away.  They shoved past Potter and walked away from me.  I looked at her and could tell that she was trying to hide the emotion that I had seen in her eyes.  "Are you okay?" I asked.  I was still a decent human being; I just agreed that wizarding blood should stay pure.  There was nothing wrong with that.

I had been getting along just fine with being back at school and having to deal with the pricks from Slytherin for most of school year, and then this happened.  It brought back everything that I had been doing so well at holding back that happened earlier this year.  I would have defended myself, but an unlikely person came to my aid.  If Sirius knew I was talking to his brother, I was sure that I would have to really explain myself on that one.  I pushed some hair that fell loose from the pony tail back behind my ear as I picked up my bag with my other hand.  "I'm fine," I said, not looking at him.  He would have walked away from what was going on, I could sense it.  I ddid not know what had made him help me, but I was not sure if I wanted to know how the mind of the Slytherins worked.  There were rumors of what Regulus was now, and I would rather not be associated with him.

I rolled my eyes as she went to walk away.  I kept pace with her and pulled a handkerchief from my pocket.  "They split your lip," I said, handing the cloth to her.  I was sure that she knew what they did to her, but I was not about to let her walk away while she was bleeding.  I was not sure if she was going to take it until she stopped and turned to face me abruptly.  I nearly walked into her.  I smiled slightly at her and let her dab at her lip on her own.  "I'm sorry for them," I added softly, leaning against the stone wall next to her, looking down to my left since I was taller than she.

I wanted to just ignore him, but he was persistent.  I had stopped and turned on a dime, taking the handkerchief from him to stop the bleeding on my lip.  I hated how a gang of Slytherins still scared me.  It had been nearly a year since everything happened.  I guess since it was a couple of them against just one of me, it would be easy for them to overpower me.  I would not go easily, but they all outweighed me easily by at least twenty pounds each.  I did not admit that to James or Sirius, though.  I knew better than to admit that in front of them.  I was finally getting them to not be so protective over me, and perhaps that was where my fear was coming from.  Maybe I did not want them tostop being so protective... when REgulus spoke again, it broke my reverie.  I stared at him.  He was sorry for them?  He was one of them.  I was sure that the rumors were true.  "Like you haven't done the same thing?" I retorted snidely.  I really should be nicer to him, he did get them away from me.  But still.  I really did not want to deal with him.

I deserved that, I suppose.  It did nto mean that it did not sting.  "I don't hit women," I pointed out.  To be honest, I was not sure if I enjoyed being grouped wtih them anymore.  There were quite a few things that I was finding out... I was not sure if I was up to handling everything.  They expected a lot more from me than they ever insinuated before I took the mark.  I was getting a little bit frightened by everything.  Not that I was going to admit it to anyone, least of all Potter.  I just wanted someone to know that I was indeed a good person despite what my beliefs were.

I rolled my eyes at him.  "Oh, a Slytherin with morals," I replied sarcastically.  I stared at him for a moment while I kept the cloth pressed against my lip.  Why on earth was he hanging around?  "Why don't you just go?  Or did you really want this back?" I asked, thinking that I had just been planning on throwing it away after the bleeding stopped.

Her tone hurt, but was expected.  I looked at her and I could still see that emotion -- that fear -- in her eyes.  I had a feeling it hardly ever went away; people probably just got used to the fact of seeing it there.  "No, I don't want it back.  I just want to let you know..."  I sighed and shook my head.  I pushed off of the wall that I had been leaning against and started to walk away.  "Nevermind... I'm glad you're fine," I said while walking off in the direction to go to the common room.

He almost looked like a lost puppy when I was being so snide at him.  I knew I would probably end up regretting doing this, but there was something there.  It was as if he wanted me to stop him and talk with him... about what, I did not know.  "Reg, wait.  Thank you," I said, walking to catch up with him.  "You didn't have to stop them... you almost didn't.  But thanks for turning back and stopping them."  I hated the fact that I needed a man to save me, but it was nice to know that it did not always have to be James and Sirius, not that either one of them would want it to be Regulus Black.  I tried to smile at him, but it stretched my cut and made it bleed even more.

I could have walked away, but there was no way I would walk away from helping the one person who seemed to get to Sirius.  To make him a better person.  I did care about him even if I did not always show it.  "I was so close to walking away," I admitted, even though it was clear she already knew that.  "But besides them hitting you, I saw that fear in your eyes... the fear that I think others have gotten used to seeing."  I probably should not make assumptions like that, but I knew that she probably thought she hid it well.  But she did not.

I was taken slightly aback that he noticed so much in me when it seemed no one else did.  I laughed nervously.  "I don't know what you saw, but I could have handled myself," I lied, trying to play off what he saw.  I tried my best not to let it show, I really thought that I pulled it off well... apparently not.

I gave her a sideways glance.  "Oh, I don't doubt you could have handled yourself," I informed her.  "But that doesn't mean that you weren't afraid.  I know what happened last year.  It still haunts you.  I understand... I know what it's like to be haunted by events of the past."  I knew all too well... what they made me witness now that I was a member.  The things that they have coerced me into doing or else it would be my life.  And we all know that I was not about to look weak to them, so I did it.  I am not proud of what I have had to do since I was inducted into the Death Eaters.  It is nothing like what they described it to be.  I have been keeping my fears and doubts down to myself, but they were bound to surface at one point or another.  And the things that I hear the Dark Lord speak of... his plans on defeating death itself?  They chilled me to the core.  How could one being want to even do that?  The way he talked, he was close to making one or had already succeeded in doing so.

Was I hearing Regulus correctly?  It almost sounded like he was confiding in me -- practically a stranger -- that he regretted things from the past?  Perhaps becoming what he had?  I looked at him and then at the route we were taking.  We really were not walking to anywhere in particular, just around the castle.  We would be getting outside shortly, I realized.  "It does," I admitted.  Talking to someone not involved and yet seeming to understand was nice.  It did not seem like he was going to tell me it would get better and everything would be fine.  "How do you handle being haunted?" I asked him, looking back at him as our feet hit the soft grass rather than the stone floors of the stairs we had descended to get to the grounds.  There was a slight breeze in the air and it made our robes billow around our legs as we walked.

That was the question that I asked myself every day.  How was I going to handle every new piece of the puzzle that I was gathering that was the puzzle of the Dark Lord?  I was close to my breaking point.  The only way that I did not break was knowing what would happen to me -- to my loved ones -- if I did.  And I had Aimee.  Of course no one knew we were seeing each other, but she helped me more than she knew.  "It's all just a bad dream... and you have to wake up from a bad dream at one point or another," I said with a slight shrug.  I only wondered when I would wake up... but I was coming to the sad realization that I may never be able to wake up.  There was no way out except for death... and I was not ready for that by any means.

That was an interesting way of looking at it.  Of course, mine was more like a nightmare that I kept reliving.  I was already awake... things were going great now.  But I kept being tossed back into it by stupid reminders.  I removed the handkerchief from my lip and put it in the pockets of my robes.  My cut stung, but it was no longer bleeding.  "And have you woken up yet?" I asked, wondering if he would even answer me honestly.  They were all full of lies, the whole lot of them.  But I could not help but ask Regulus.

I laughed in spite of myself and shook my head.  Running a hand through my hair, I answered, "No, I haven't.  I doubt I'll ever be able to wake up."  I did not know entirely what I was getting myself into when I signed up for this.  I was drunk with the idea of the power that I would hold... I did not know at what price that power would come.  I was used to being able to pay whatever price people wanted, but never had the price been damaging to my soul and who I was inside.  I put my hands in my pockets as we walked.  The wind was picking up the closer we got to the lake, I was thinking about buttoning up the black cardigan with green strips that we were given as part of the school uniform.  My green and silver tie fluttered about in the wind since even my robes were open.  It had been warm inside the castle.  I looked over at Potter.  "How are you going to handle your fears?" I questioned.  Perhaps I could at least help her a little bit.