It only hurts when you pretend it doesn't -- 25 September 1977

I was just realizing what I had gotten into.  I rubbed absentmindedly at the Mark on my forearm as I stood in a shadowed spot on the school grounds near the Quidditch Pitch.  It was a Sunday and most of the students were by the lake or on the other parts of the grounds.  I just wanted to be by myself, though I was watching a small group of Ravenclaws throwing a Quafflfe around at the other end of the pitch while I pulled a joint out of my pocket.  I went to light it with my wand when I heard someone walking up behind me.  Great, I was now caught.

I turned and saw that it was an extremely tired and slightly ragged looking Remus Lupin.  I raised my eyebrows and slinked into the shadows more, watching the Prefect nearly collapse onto the ground, leaning against the trunk of a tree.  I knew I was not going to get away with smoking anything while he was near, so I turned to leave.  This was one of my brother's best mates... and he looked like hell.  I turned back around and stepped out of the shadows.  Lupin had his eyes closed. 

Clearing my throat awkwardly, I asked, "You okay, mate?"

I had heard someone there, I just cared not.  When they spoke, I recognized it as Regulus.  I opened my eyes and recognized genuine concern in his dark ones as he looked at me.  It was a particularly rough few days before the full moon on Tuesday.  I would survive, I just needed to be by myself.  Apparently that would not happen.  Perhaps Regulus would realize that... but if he stayed, at least he was the quieter of the Black brothers.

"I'm quite alright," I lied as easily as I did when I spoke to anyone else.  Unlike everyone else, Regulus would not let me off the hook that easily.  He had helped me back up to Gryffindor Tower once before when I looked like this -- a little known secret.  I was sure Aimee was the only one who knew that.  His gaze stayed on me and I sighed.  "I feel like shite, okay?" I added, shaking my head.  "Nothing to worry about, though."

I knew what Lupin was.  I figured it out a long time ago -- before I figured out what my brother and them did to help their best mate.  I had helped Lupin once... it was actually thanks to him that I got to get to know Aimee better.  I sat down next to him.  At least he ended up being honest when I just gave him a look.

"I gathered that much," I muttered, pulling the joint back out.  I never told Lupin I knew he was a werewolf, but being around that crowd plus being rather intelligent, it was not hard to figure it out.  I pulled out my wand and lit the end of it.  I handed it to the Gryffindor.  "Here... this might help with the pain."

I looked at what Regulus was holding and then back at him.  "I am not smoking a joint with you," I said, ignoring the fact that he said it would help with my pain.  Maybe he just thought I had a headache or something.  The knowing look in his eyes told me otherwise, though.

I rolled my eyes and took the first hit.  I waited a bit and then let the smoke out from between my lips.  "Come on," I said to him simply.  "It helps with some pain... mental and physical."  I knew a lot about mental pain by now.  I finally got Lupin to take the joint and I found myself rubbing my arm as he inhaled.  He acted like such a pro at it, making me smirk. 

"If you get too bad, I'll make sure you get to the dorm alright," I assured him.  I was not my brother, but I would have Lupin's back as though I were.  My throat tightened up suddenly as I realized that Sirius would be so ashamed of what I had become.  Mother and Father knew better than to openly boast about such a thing, but what all did Sirius know?  He was perceptive and I was sure he noticed a change in me through the years... and especially over the summer.

After Regulus took a hit, I had to take one.  He was being persistent -- almost like one of the guys.  When I inhaled, i closed my eyes and did not even cough.  After a minute or so, I exhaled and handed it back to him.  "You don't seem quite like yourself, either," I pointed out to him as he passed the bud back to me.  

I knew how things were getting out in the real world -- Dad kept me informed and I knew what we all would probably do once we got to the point of graduating Hogwarts.  Fight the good fight.  Regulus no longer had Sirius at home and he was always softer than his brother and seemingly easy to sway to the darker side of things.  Yet here we were smoking together because we were both having a rough day and needed something outside of the ordinary to help with it.

I merely shrugged at Lupin's comment.  I, however, knew that he would not let me off the hook that easily.  He was far too perceptive than that.  I took a deep draw off of the joint where there was only a hit left, which I let him have.  I stayed quiet as he snuffed out the butt in the dirt.  I looked away from Lupin and into the sky at the Ravenclaws still practicing with the Quaffle.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  The effects of the joint were slowing calming my brain and relaxing my body.  "I'm not the same person I was when Sirius ran away from home," I noted, not entirely sure if that would suffice.

Surprisingly, the joint was sort of helping with at least the muscle pains I had leading up to the full moon.  I watched Regulus closely and could tell that there was pain hidden behind the apathetic mask that he wore.  "Reg..." I said quietly, but I did not continue.  I knew nothing that I could say would make up for anything that Sirius did not say to his brother.  James, Sirius, and Peter were as close to brothers to me as well as my only friends... so I really had no idea how Regulus could be feeling about anything.

I decided to try to start over.  "You don't need to listen to your cousin," I told him lamely.  "I mean... you have your own choices to make.  You don't need to do anything that she does."  I was well aware of the Dark Arts and that they had always intrigued Bellatrix and how she influenced Regulus and quite a few others throughout her years here at Hogwarts.

I tore my eyes from the young fliers and sighed, looking at the tired Gryffindor.  "I am aware of that," I said quietly.  "One has to do what one must to survive, however, no matter the consequences."  I could not say more than that, though.  I was not going to give anything away to Remus Lupin. 

Searching for a way to get the topic off of myself, I asked, "How is that helping?  If you want more, I've got a few more in my pocket.."

I could clearly recognize when someone wanted to avoid a subject.  I let him get distracted and I shook my head.  "I don't need any more," I said to him.  "Nothing really helps completely."  I realized that I was getting rather close to the subject that I did not discuss with other people.  Then it dawned on me.  

I looked at Regulus.  "How long have you known?" I asked quietly.  I did not want to speak of my lycanthropy, but it was clear that Regulus was aware of what I was inflicted with.  He was more observant than we gave him credit for -- and especially brighter as well.

I could see the fear in Lupin's eyes even though it was clear he was trying to be nonchalant.  I shrugged.  "Since before my brother turned into an animagus," I replied evenly.  It had been confirmed over the summer when I had to deal with Greyback, but I could not tell Lupin that part.  I chuckled as the shock of what I said registered on his face.  "Ah, yes, I know about that, too.  It's no mystery when the whole lot of you shut it or have an odd odor when you open your mouths for about a month.  The Mandrake leaves, right?  Yeah, I looked all of that up.  Sirius never quite gave me enough credit."

I could not believe that Regulus knew about everything.  I just stared at him in disbelief.  "Apparently so," I said when he finished.  "How did you find out?"  If he knew, who else did?

I shrugged.  "I'm not into myself like others are," I said to him quietly.  Severus knew and we talked sometimes about it because he figured out that I found out myself.  I looked at Lupin.

I sighed, still nervous about Regulus knowing that I was a werewolf.  If he knew about the guys being animagi, however, adn still have not said anything showed that he might not.  "Ah," I said to him, unsure of what else to say.  "I do appreciate the discretion."

"Everyone has secrets," I said to him simply.  I absentmindedly rubbed my forearm where the Dark Mark was.  I was worried about what would happen as Professor Dumbledore had mentioned taking precautions to protect the grounds from Death Eaters and other Dark forces.  How would I continue at school?  I supposed it would not matter once the Dark Lord won.  

I realized that Lupin was looking at me and I stopped rubbing my arm and stared at him.  He looked at my arm and then at me.  I swallowed hard and within his steady gaze I realized more than what I ever thought before when I took this mark.  I thought that it would give me power and would make my family proud.  Really, the one family member I truly cared about would be so sick to find out what I did.  I could only imagine what Sirius would say.

I realized that I did not want to find out what my brother would think.  Remus's gaze was making me think about a lot and it was better if I did not think about this decision.  I kept his gaze, though, because it had been drilled into my head for quite some time now that breaking eye contact was a sign of weakness.  But it became too intense; it felt as though he knew what I did.  I looked away.