I can't remember why I'm lying here tonight -- Winter 1997 (DONE)

We were going to be having our first Christmas without Dad this year... he was in his coma.  I had talks with Addison about me using... I just could not stop.  She was getting angry with me, but she did not understand.  I wanted to, but I just could not.  I was in an unused classroom.  I sat on the floor to avoid dealing with people seeing me.  I took some of what I had.  I did not want to deal with any of this.  I was tired of being so strong for everyone around me.  I had never seen Mum or Lenni looking like this and having to deal with all of this.  Plus all the guilt I was feeling... I wish that I could deal with it all, but I could not.  I closed my eyes and let this enclose around me.  I just wanted to lose myself at the moment.

I needed to find Dean.  He was getting worse and worse.  I was getting so worried about him.  I finally found him... on the floor eyes closed.  I could not tell if he was breathing.  I felt like my heart was not beating; I could not breathe.  I almost felt frozen, but I forced myself to move to my fiancee's side.  I fell to my knees and started to shake him.  "Dean?  HOney!  Dean, please answer me," I said, trying to keep my tears from my voice and from falling out of my eyes.

I heard a voice and opened my eyes easily.  What I saw freaked me out.  It definitely helped sober me up a tad.  "Addie, what is it?  What's wrong?" I automatically thougth the worst happened with Dad.  She looked so scared and it made me start freaking out, too.

I was so relieved when I saw his beautiful blue eyes open.  I wrapped my arms around him.  I pulled away and then smacked him.  "Don't do that!  You have no idea what I was thinking," I said, my voice shaking.  I definitely nearly lost it.  Why did he have to do this to me?  To his family?  He needed to stop.

I blinked a few times as I let that sink in.  What did I just do?  Then it clicked... the way she had just seen me.  "Addison, honey, I'm fine," I tried to assure her.  I put my arms around her, but she pushed me away.  And that hurt.  I realized how much I scared her and how much I was hurting her.

I shook my head.  "Don't," I snapped.  I was tired of this.  "Dean... you're not fine.  You're using again!  I've tried to be patient with you, but you'll just end up overdosing again... I don't want to lose you.  I need you. I cannot lose you..."  The tears broke.  I did not know how else to get him to understand.  I was just getting so tired of constanty worrying about him; it was so difficult.  And I could nto keep doing this... pretending everything was okay.

I stared at her and the reality of what she was saying was definitely sobering me up quickly.  I wanted to reach out for her but figured that she would just push me away again.  "Honey, calm down.  You're not going to lose me.  I'm never leaving you," I tried to assure her.  I just wish that she would listen to me.

I stood up and shook my head.  The only way I would even talk to him right now would be if he was sober.  "I can't even look at you right now," I said.  "Find me when you're sober... I'm done doing this."  I left him there.  I was not sure how much longer I could do this with Dean.  I loved him so much... but I did not know if I could handle his addiction anymore.

I watched as my fiance walked away from me.  I sat up straighter and put my face in my hands.  After a little while, I stood up.  I had to find Addison.  When I finally did, I could tell that she had been crying.  I walked up to her.  I almost did not want to reach out to touch her, so I resisted doing so.  I put my hands in my pockets as I looked at Addison.  "Hey," I said, unsure if I should even be talking to her right now.  I was pretty sure she was so angry with me.  Why on earth would she want to talk to me right now?  I know I would not.

I looked at him and I could tell he looked sober at least.  It was easily noticeable when he was high or no.  I patted the seat next to me.  "Hey," I said back ot him.  I was not sure if I could really talk to him about anything right now, but I did not want to shut him out either.

I sat down next to her and I pulled out of my pocket, along with my hand, my bag of pills that I had.  "Here... take it," I said, pressing it into her hand.  "I will do anything for you, babe.  All I need is you.  I don't need anything else as long as you're by my side.  You're my number one person in my life.  I can't lose anyone else..." I trailed off, rying not to break down.  I really did feel like I lost my dad.  Yes, he was still here, but he really was not.  A coma was not the same as being here in reality.

I could not believe what he was putting into my hand. I looked at him and saw the pain.  I wrapped my arms around him. "You didn't lose him... he's going to wake up," I said softly, kissing his cheek as I pulled back to look at him.  "I love you, Dean.  I just don't want to see you ruin your life with this addictions," I explained ot him.

I felt like I have lost my dad though and that was the problem.  I did not know why I was so weak.  "Addi... I don't know what to do," I admitted.  "I'm trying ot be strong for Lenni and Mum... but what about me?  I now they'd be there for me if I asked... but how could I do that to them when they need me?"  I knew I added this extra pressure to myself... but to be honest, the men are always the last to break down.

I rubbed Dean's back to try to ease his worries.  "That's what I'm here for, Dean," I told him.  I hated how he thought he had to do this all by himself.  That was Dean's issue... he never liked to ask for help with anything.  I was grateful that I was able to help with his addiction problems.  I felt completely useless to help my fiance.  It was hard to plan the wedding with all of these things going on.

I squeezed Addison's hand.  "I know; I just need to remember that.  I don't always need to do everything on my own anymore," I said honestly.  I smiled at her the best I could.  "Honey, I'm so glad you're giving me something good to look forward to... my whole family.  I honestly cannot wait to make you my wife."  I gave her a kiss.  "I promise I wont' disappoint you again."  I hated being a disappointment to the people I loved.  And it seemed to be the only thing I was doing lately.