I don't ever want to feel the way I felt that day -- Fall 1996

"Lenni, I know that this is not Dean.  But there is nothing we can do about it," I said, shaking my head.  I was definitely going to keep Lenni in here so she would not do something stupid to her brother.  I just wish that I would have completely locked Dean away; I had a feeling that Dean was going to be stupid about everything right now because he is not in his right state of mind right now.  "And your brother is stubborn.  He doesn't enjoy talking to people when he's hurting."  I really had to hide my smile, so I stood there with my hand covering my mouth a little bit.  This was rather entertaining.  These two... I couldn't help but sigh.

I had to find my sister and Remus.  I wanted to help her... but I knew that there was no way I could have helped her myself.  And she needed to know that.  And, to be honest, I kind of wanted ot hit her.  But I wasn't going to.  I wasn't going to hit my sister.  I heard shouting and knew that those tones were definitely Lenni's.  I opened the door to the classroom and nearly hit Remus.  "Oh, sorry... but Lenni, if you're going to bitch about me... either do it to my face or keep your voice down so the rest of the school doesn't hear you," I said, any compassion I felt for her disappearing when I saw the look on her face.

I nearly got hit by the door and saw Dean.  I couldn't help but laugh because I knew what was bound to happen.  I pulled Dean into the room and closed the door again.  I stood between them. "Alright, you both can shut it," I said, looking from one to the other.  "Let's try to be civil, okay?"  I knew that with them being Sirius and ember's kids... civil was asking a lot when they were both this angry with each other.

My thin line of patience I had left disappeared when he said that. " You want me to bitch to you fine! I'd be glad to I said striding over to him as I knew Remus would get in the way. I wanted Dean to hurt to know what he's doing has consequences. " You want to not hurt anymore! COME HERE!" I shouted. " You don't want people to pity you yet you come here to see what the problem is!? ARE YOU THAT THICK!" I said trying to get past Remus.

"It's none of your fucking business, Lenni!  Who the fuck cares what I decide to do to myself or about my own damn problems?  You claim you do, but you know what?  If you did, then you would leave me the fuck alone!" I yelled at her, running a hand through my hair.  "I don't care if people pity me, Lenni.  What I want is for people to leave me the fuck alone!  JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"  I threw a chair to the ground that was near me so I would not try to pass Remus to hit my sister.  I had never hit her before and I would never hit her.  If I did, then I would lose every last bit of me that I still had left.

I tried to keep Lenni from attacking Dean, but I felt like they both needed to go at it.  But I did not want it to turn physical... though with Lenni, I knew it would.  She was nearly punching me to get at her brother.  I saw the anger in Dean's eyes and was grateful that he threw the chair.  "Is it too much to ask etiher one of you to calm yourselves?" I questioned, expecting to be ignored.

I was crying, " I can't!....you know why!? YOUR MY BROTHER AND I LOVE YOU! IF YOU WANT TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT FOR DOING THAT THAN I WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE! I reached at him, did I care he dwarfed me size in every way. No, never have never will. I did not want to kill him I wanted him to hurt, looking into his eyes. " Consider it done dumbass...hope she makes you fucking happy....and you realize what you've done. " I said, I had enough I was to angry, for Uncle Remus I changed into my animagus form. This is how I would calm down. I won;t say a word. It gives him a chance to speak to us.

I was done.  If they wanted to argue or kill each other, fine.  I was tired of their attitudes towards each other.  As much as it surprised me, I was grateful that Elena turned.  I would talk to her about that later.  I ran a hand through my hair.  "Look.  I'm done.  I know it hurts Dean.  But it's not worth throwing your life away over.  But Elena, it is none of your business if this is the choice Dean makes.  I know you two are just trying to protect yourselves and each other all the time.  The thing I want you to ask yourself, Dean, is if it's worth it.  I don't want an answer right now nor do I want you to go run off and find drugs and alcohol.  I want you to go to my bloody office and STAY THERE.  We will need to have a talk.  And Lenni, you need to calm down.  I know you're worried and I know you love Dean.  I love your brother and I love you.  I will NOT have the two of you going at each other's throats like this.  Figure out a way to coexist right now.  I don't bloody care if you hate each other with a passion.  I just don't want to hear about it anymore," I said, surprised that they both finally pushed me to my limit.  I had never thought that day would come.  "And on second thought, Dean, find somewhere to go.  You are NOT going back to Gryffindor house nor my office.  And I swear if I so much as see you stoned or even think you are, I will do something about it."  I pushed Dean out the door and made him leave.  I turned to Elena.  "You will stay away from your brother.  I don't care how much you want to hurt him right now.  It is nothing compared to the hurt he is already feeling.  That is no excuse for him to do what he is doing, but do not make it worse.  And I don't want to hear another word from you, either.  I have tried ot help both of you and this is what happens.  When you have calmed down and decide to start thinking like a mature woman you are, then you can come find me to discuss what you're feeling.  You will stay HERE until you calm down."  I was furious at the two of them.  I had never had to lose my cool like this with them.  I stormed out of the classroom, slamming the door behind me.  I headed towards my office and hoped to Merlin that neithr one of them would follow me there.

I let out a breath and laid down on the floor, This is ridiculous....it's none of my business to care....fine.....I won't......Sorry, Remus.... I felt less bent out of shape, I was forcing myself to calm down. I can't believe we made him that mad. Sighing, of course he is the only one to make us feel bad by being mad at each other. Stupid.....

I could not believe that Remus shoved me out of the classroom. Fine. He didn't wasn't me to talk to him? Fine. Elena wanted to be a bitch? Fine. Yeah, that was all going to make me think they care. Whatever. I went to my crappy unused classroom and grabbed my own stash and Sat against the wall crying, smoking a joint and drinking. I knew I was going to apologize to them...but not today.

I should go talk to Remus, but with him losing his cool. I don't know if I should wait until tomorrow. Normally Remus is the one I go to talk too. Sighing, I walked over to the window and sat down. Looking out to the moon.

After having a cup of tea, I had calmed down a bit.  I ran a hand through my hair and sighed.  Pinching the bridge of my nose for a moment, I stood up.  I needed to go find them and make sure they were both okay.  I did not want to lose my cool like that; I was always steady and calm headed.  I was just tired of the way Dean was behaving and Elena was just such a hot head about it and that was not what Dean needed.  He can't be pushed right now because it would push Dean farther away rather than bringing back the kid we all knew and loved.  I set out for that classroom and figured I could begin there.  I did hope that Elena was still there... she was the easy one to find and to talk to right now.  Dean was not in the right state of mind to think rationally and I did not want to deal with him even though I knew that he needed the most help.  I just didn't even know where to start besides the classroom to find him anyways.  Then I would let Boris track him down.

I opened the classroom door and saw Elena over by the window sill.  I closed the door and walked over to her.  "Hey kiddo," I said.  I had thought a little of what I had said to her and realized that some of it came out differently than what I had wanted it to.  "You know when I said it was none of your business what Dean decided to do with his life?  Well, that doesn't mean to stop caring for him.  I understand what you're feeling.  It's just... we have to tread carefully so we don't lose him completely, okay?  If you go at him like that he'll just defy anything you say and will dive deeper into the problems making it worse."  I felt horrible for yelling at them like I did.  I never had to before... normally they listened.  Even when they had seen red they listened.  Today was just something entirely different.

Looking down, I changed back to myself and nodded, " I know..." I said looking to him. " it's just he told me I was being melodramatic...." I paused. " It's fine...I understand we were all seeing red. " I joked. " If he wants me to leave him alone I am going to do just that Remus. I know it doesn't make sense. He doesn't want me to help....I won't. He can come talk to me when he wants to I guess. Doesn't mean I am going to forgive him. I know he's hurting about Addison....but I know who he keeps getting it from and I want her to stop. " I said looking outside at the sky. It seemed to be such a good way to calm down. No matter what mood I was in.

Dean wants me to leave him alone and not to worry about him. " If I am being melodramatic....why does it feel like I am sort of doing the right thing about confronting him and telling him he has a problem. He shouldn't be turning to drugs and alcohol. The only thing he is missing from being a stereotype is the ability to sing. " I said joking lightly. " I am just going to stop. It seems trying to be his sibling doesn't mean anything to him. So, when he is good and ready to talk to me and try to be family. He can come to me. I am done trying." I said quietly. I have given up. Pulling my knees up so I could put my chin on them. " I don't think I should stop. My heart tells me no....." pausing. " But, the rest of me says screw him. if he wants to continue doing this to himself...than let him."

I smiled and hugged my niece.  "You're talking about Morgan Winters?" I questioned, figuring that was where he was getting the drugs from.  But he was also with a lot of other people and who knew if she was his only person who gave him drugs.  I would do something about it.  "Lenni... I think there is more going on with him than just him hurting about Addison.  I don't know what exactly... and I have tried to figure it out to no avail."  I sighed and shook my head.  I looked out the window thinking for a moment.

"And confronting him about it... I feel like we need to do it but then again I also feel like it would push him over the edge and he would do something worse," I said quietly.  "You have to do what you feel is right.  Whether that is letting him come to you or you confronting him.  You know I will back you one hundred percent no matter what I may feel about it.  I have a feeling that he will probably come talk to one of us... but only if he gives himself a chance to get sobered up for an extended period of time.  This is one of the first times I am at a loss of how to deal with any of you kids."  I knew that they all looked to me for advice, but there was no point in avoiding telling the truth.  Lenni was old enough to be able to understand that.  I just had no idea how to even approach this.  This was the first time in a long time that I actually found books to help me... they were about how to deal with addiction and helping people with the problem... none of which were helping.