I don't ever want to feel the way I felt that day -- Fall 1996

"Well, this is a family matter... I'm just going to leave," I said, not wanting to explain myself to her.  No one knew what my life was like.  I had access to everything I needed to forget things.  And I only started using and then Dean found me and wanted a way to escape... I couldn't help but want to help him.  And so I did... and here we were.  I was glad that she only had Dean under the spell.  I was starting to walk away from the two of them.  I did not want to deal with the holier than thou attitude.

"Because I want to -- no, I need to forget," I said quietly, tears in my eyes as I looked at my sister.  "You have no idea how I have felt... no idea what has gone through my head.  And you know, Lenni, the sad thing is that this doesn't even help."  I ran a hand through my hair and refused to look her in the eyes.  I did not want to see the disappointment in my younger sister that she was bound to have in me.  I was supposed to be her hero... her role model... and this was what I was doing?

" Then why are you doing this?!" I asked him. I started pacing, I needed to know. Needed to forget I understood that. I wanted to know, " To turn to Winters because you want the easy way out!?" I was hurting by my brother he was my protector. I turned to him, " Dean if you continue to do this you can die!" I almost yelled. I didn't want to lose my brother due to drugs. " You'll end up overdosing...IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!" I was getting really emotional and angry I wiped my eyes quickly. " I love you! You're my brother...I want to help. When you do this and you haven't spoken to anyone before!!" I shouted. I walked right up to him avoiding doing what I wanted to do. This is not going to help.

"She's the only one who understands," I spat at my sister.  "The only one who doesn't judge me."  I moved to lean against the side of the castle wall because I was having a hard time staying upright.  "You really think that I'll overdose?  Please... Lenni, stop being melodramatic," I said, rolling my eyes.  If she was going to hurt me, then I was going to do the same to her.  I did not have to explain myself to her.  It had felt like Addison ripped my heart out.  Why would I want to keep holding on to that pain?  I was not going to willingly keep feeling that way.  And I would not overdose.  I was not going to kill myself.  I just wanted to feel nothing.

I gave a dark laugh to my brother, " The only one who understands....Dean, if I didn't find out like this you really I would have fed you to the wolves?" I asked angrily. HE wants a pity party. He is not getting it. I won't let it happen. " If you want to feel nothing....it won't happen you're a human being. We can't turn them off. It sucks and gives us the short end of the stick but I wouldn't erase my pain....it makes me who I am today." I told him. I was crying, and angry shouting at him.

I slapped him hard in the face, " Melodramatic, Dean....do you see yourself right now!" I couldn't take this anymore. I had to leave or I would more than likely hurt him more and more. " Being human, having feelings is something that comes with the deal. " I said angrily. I was shaking, crying and didn't know what to do. " When you feel like actually having a conversation about this....." I had been shaking to much, blackness surrounded me.

When Lenni slapped me, I saw red.  How dare she!  This had nothing to do with her!  I wanted to hit her right back, but I never hit my sister... just yelled and screamed at her.  I was tired of her treating me like dirt.  What did she know?  It was my life... I could live it how I wanted to.  I didn't need her bossing me around.  I did feel bad because she had tears coming down her face, but I did not want to get yelled at like this.  I saw her eyes retreat and roll into the back of her head.  I was able to grab her, but we both fell to the ground.  I was in no shape to catch her but I at least broke her fall.  I laid her on the ground and looked up at Morgan.  "You need to leave.  I have to go get Professor Lupin," I said, surprised I remembered to call him professionally instead of just saying Remus with my mind like this.  I believe that my high was quickly retreating even though I could not functino properly yet.

I lifted Dean to his feet.  "C'mon, let's go," I agreed.  I did not want to be anywhere near Elena when she woke up.  He would find help to get Elena to the hospital wing if necessary.  I made Dean leave.  He seemed reluctant, but there was no way he was going to be able to help his sister unless there was someone else toh elp him.  And he needed someone who would not punish him for his state of mind at the moment.

I had slowly opened my eyes and looked around and I was alone on the grounds. Sitting up slowly, " Winters.....Dean..." I stood up, and closed my eyes briefly, " They're dead..." I said taking a few steps still a little woozy, I knew I shouldn't move so fast. They thought I was mad now....." Just wait." I said slightly scaring myself.

I did not want to leave Elena by herself, but I let Morgan take me away.  I forced her to go back to Hufflepuff house and I went to Remus's office.  I opened his door without knocking.  "Remus... Lenni needs help.  She passed out on the grounds... but I could not help her right now," I said, keeping my eyes away from Remus's stare.

I stared at Dean.  And he left her there?  I wondered why he would do such a thing until I saw his eyes.  He was high again.  Great.  I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, standing up.  "You are staying here.  I will go help Lenni.  If she sees you, I will not control her temper," I said.  I thought that her temper may be what Dean needed.  I stood up and eft my office.  I headed down to where Dean said they left her.

I stormed past a few girls who pretty much ran away from the sight of me. I was going to kill them. " Where are they?!" I shouted. Knowing they knew who I was talking about. I was going to kill them. I wouldn't care who saw me and I would make Winters pay. Dean too. I was going to kill him. Some people came in front of me and I pushed them out of the way. "Move." I said as my magic was very strong right now. I couldn't contain my anger.

It did not take long to realize that Lenni was awake and on the move.  I walked up to her and put a hand on her shoulder gently.  "Lenni, let's go in this classroom here," I said, knowing that it was empty.  I knew that to try to force her to calm down would nto be a good idea, but I could at least deter her from punching and fighting with anyone else in the school.

I shrugged off his hand, " I'm going to kill him..." I said aiming to walk right by Remus. I was so mad, he left me there. He went with her to keep her away from me. They were both DEAD! I was fuming, I knew Remus would divert me into another room.

I moved her into the empty class room and I closed the door behind us.  "Lenni... he left to come find me.  He was in no shape to be helping you.  Unless you wanted him to drop you on your head," I said with a bemused smile on my face.  These two kids wore me out.  They were worse than my own children.  I stayed between Elena and the door so she could cool off a little bit.

I folded my arms across my chest. " Maybe I should drop him on his head a few times.." I said bitterly. " She was with him and the one giving him the drugs!!" I shouted. " She gave this to him he goes to her to not feel anything. " I paced back and forth. Trying let my anger out. I was seeing red and I hated it. " He knew if I saw him I'd kill him..." I said smiling, " You know, I slapped him hard in the face because I showed concern. He thought it was stupid of me. To assume something would happen to him." I told him, " This is not Dean...I don't care everyone goes through pain he seems to be taking the "easy" route because he wants the quick fix..." I said, tears streaming down my cheeks. " He knows that he doesn't have to do this. Simply talk to someone...and better yet leaving me there to go WITH HIS DEALER!!" I shrieked. I was really mad I don't think Uncle Remus has seen me this angry.