It's hard to keep on keeping on -- Spring 1977

I sat in the common room, staring into the flames of the fire.  It was late at night... mostly everyone else was in bed already.  I had to come back downstairs because I could not sleep.  I hated the way that a couple of weeks ago made me feel.  I hated it.  This was not me... I was not going to just take this sitting down.  There was no way.  I needed to make sure that would not happen to me again.  I did not want to get hurt like that again.

I walked down to the common room in my pajama pants and shirtless.  I was antsy and I kept worrying about the ladies.  And speaking of, I saw my sister sitting by the fire.  I walked up behind her and put my hands on her shoulders.  "Hey Ems," I said.

I stood up so quickly that I don't think that James knew what was going to be coming.  I was about ready to punch him in the face when I realized it was my brother.  "Oh... James, sorry.  You startled me," I told him, breathing a little heavily.  He should not sneak up on me like that.

I held up my hands when I saw my sister's fist.  "Ems... I was just checking on you..."  I walked around to the other side of the couch and sat down, pulling her down to sit wiht me as well.  I had been worried about all of them.  Ember just seemed like she was constantly looking over her shoulder or something.  "You wanna talk about it?" I asked her, putting an arm around her shoulder.

I leaned into my brother's shoulder.  "There's really nothing to talk about," I told my brother.  I really didn't know why he was so worried about me.  I would be fine... it was just hard to cope with a little bit.

I just gave my sister a look.  Nothing to talk about?  Really?  She was going to do that?  "Ems... that's bull and you know it," I said, taking hold of her hand.  I could see it in her eyes... I could always read my sister -- at least, I thought I could anyways.  "I can see that storm brewing in your eyes.  I know that if you keep ignoring it... it's gonna rain like hell and only you wil be caught in the storm with no way out.  Talk to me."

I hated how James knew me so well.  I felt the tears well up in my eyes and I just let him wrap his arms around me while I sobbed into his chest.  I had refused to break down since it happened.  I did not want to appear broken.  But it was so hard not to be after what had happened.  I had no idea how to even begin to get past this.  I was doing everything in my power to learn how to defend myself -- between magical and nonmagical means.  But none of that was helping.  I could not sleep; every time I did, I saw them and I had nightmares.  I had no idea what to even say to James to begin to describe how I was feeling to him.  I knew they were all worried about us... but I had no idea how they could help.  I stayed up all the time; I knew I looked like hell.  But this couch in front of the fire had been my perch for the past nights.  I would go to bed like everyone else, but once they were asleep, I would sneak down here and stare into the fading fire until I went back up and pretended to wake up with everyone else.  It was starting to wear on me and makeup could only do so much for me.

It broke my heart to hear my sister crying like this.  I blinked back tears myself; now was not the time for me to break down in front of her.  She needed me to be strong for her.  I kissed the top of her head and held her tightly as she cried.  But I could not hold back my tears for her, I felt some escape.  "Ems... You need rest," I said quietly, knowing that she had not been sleeping well.  I don't think any of us have been.  We were all getting a taste of what Moony had to deal with on a monthly basis with no sleep.  I don't think any of us were handling it very well.

I pulled away when I heard tears in James's voice and saw that he had a few running down his cheek.  I wiped them away for him.  I could not help but chuckle a little bit as I wiped my own away.  "Gee... we're both sitting here crying... I can only imagine what the guys would think of the strong James Potter," I teased, trying to lighten the mood.  I was purposely ignoring what he had said.  There was no way I was going to be able to fall asleep.

It was nice to hear Ember chuckle even if it was for just a split second.  I smiled at her and handed her some tissues.  "I think that I'd kick their arses if anyone wanted to make fun of me," I added, joining in on the joke for a moment.  Then I grew serious again.  i knew what Ember was doing.  I looked at her.  "You are going to rest.  I'm going to make you.  I know you have not slept since it happened... at least not very much.  And there is no way that I am going to let that continue, Ems."  I stood up and had a brilliant idea.  I used to have to help her when she was little to be able to fall asleep during thunderstorms.  We would make a fort out of blankets and we would fall asleep in the most uncomfortable positions, but we would have our own little sanctuary to save us from the storm.  With a wave of my wand, the chairs and couches all started to move.  I summoned the extra blankets that were stored in the common room.  I had the stack in my hands and I grinned at Ember.  "I think it's time for Fort Jem," I said.  We named our fort after our names combined.  I raised my eyebrows at her and started to set it up.  I knew she would join in just to avoid making me go through this embarrassing moment on my own in the morning.

I stood there, staring at James for a moment.  I had no idea how he was going to force me to rest until he started moving the furniture.  I could not help but laugh a little bit as I moved forward to help him make Fort Jem.  I could not believe him.  We had not made our fort since... well, since before Hogwarts.  I stopped being afraid of thunderstorms so long ago.  It did not take us long to create it -- we had magic on our side now.  I stood back and stared at it with my arms crossed.  "I feel like it's missing something," I said to James, giving my brother a sideways glance.

I grabbed some parchment and wrote the name of our lovely fort on it.  And also said not to disturb... there was a princess sleeping within.  I grinned and pinned it to the front of the fort.  "Look inside... I think I snuck something in there that you'll enjoy," I said.  I had transfigured one of the pillows from the couch into the old unicorn stuffed animal that had always been Ember's favorite... the one she named Popcorn if I recall correctly.  I could be such a nice brother sometimes.  I got down on my hands and knees and crawled through the entrance, beckoning my sister to follow me.

I saw what James wrote on the parchment about a princess needing sleep.  Being an evil little sister that I was, I added to it, "And her ogre." I had to tease him a little bit.  I crawled in after him and could not believe how many blankets he had cushioned on the floor for us.  And I saw Popcorn!  "James!  This is great... though I can't promise I'll be able to fall asleep," I told him.  I could not believe that James was going through all of htis for me.

I got all comfortable and insisted that Ember come join me.  When she laid next to me, I said, "Now, you're going to try to fall asleep.  I'm going to read you our favorite bedtime story."  Yes, I did think of everything in the spur of the moment.  I would read this story to her when we were little so she could fall asleep.  Then her soft snores would put me to sleep.  yes, my sister snored.  No, she did not know she did it.  I knew she would kill me if I had ever told her that she snored; it was not like it was the loud crazy snores... just the soft ones that I had grown accustomed to that put me to sleep.  I waited until her head was positioned on the pillow.  I started to read her the story.

I laid my head on the pillow and listened to James.  I felt so safe and warm.  I could never have guessed that James would do something liek this for me still.  Or that he would even remember the details of our fort like Popcorn and the story.  I felt myself start to drift off to sleep, but before I let myself close my eyes, I looked at my brother.  "Thank you, James... love you," I said sleepily.  I knew that I was actually going to be able to fall asleep tonight.