Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than to remember me and cry -- August 1991

I was expecting Remus to be stopping by this afternoon before he set off for school.  He made me this promise that he would see me before he went off to school when he was just a boy and he decided to start it back up again since he got his career there last year.  He didn't need to do it, but I really did appreciate seeing my boy.  And it was time that it was just him and me.  Now, do not get me wrong... how I love it when he brings my daughter and grandchildren!  But it had been just him and me against the world for so long... that it is nice to see just him.  I always made sure that I had some lunch on the table for him as well.  It was always this time that he would confide in me things that I was not sure if he told Chloe or not.  It really was not any of my business to question what he told his wife or not.  I was in setting the table, waiting for the teapot to scream letting me know it was ready, when I thought I heard a noise from the kitchen.  I walked back in and did not see anything wrong except I did not remember leaving the window open.  I shook my head... sometimes my age was really getting to me.  I closed it and nearly jumped when the teapot screamed.  I could not believe that I was jumpy all of a sudden.  I took the pot off of the stove and poured myself a cup.  I needed something to soothe these odd nerves all of a sudden.

I had snuck into Lupin's house and had waited to slip something into the kettle on the stove.  When he left the kitchen, I was able to do just that.  I wanted him to suffer... slow and painful.  It was the best way in my opinion.  But, because I was me, I wanted him to know exactly what was going to happen and exactly who caused it to happen.  I knew that he would be proud enough that he most likely would not tell a soul what happens today.  When he took a drink I stepped out of my hiding spot.  "The tea is delicious, is it not?" I asked, smirking when I saw him jump.

I jumped and nearly dropped my cup.  I turned around and saw Greyback eyeing me ever so curiously.  "Fenrir, what on earth are you doing here?  Leave me at once," I demanded, thinking that I really was no match for someone like him anymore.  I was hardly a match for him to begin with.

Why do they bother with trying to force me to leave?  I never listened.  I just chuckled and sat down at the table and motioned that he should sit as well.  "IF you don't sit now, that little tonic will definitely make you want to sit in a little bit.  You may as well not fall and hurt yourself," I said as if I even cared how anyone found the old man.  I wanted to watch the life drain from his eyes... well, as long as I could anyways.  If I planned correctly -- and I normally do -- I knew that his son would be coming over just in time to see his dear ol' dad die in front of his eyes.  I, of course, would be watching from the shadows to watch the scene unfold.  How would I ever be able to contain my glee?

I set the glass down immediately and just stared at Fenrir.  "What did you do?" I questioned, then I felt this nagging pain in my stomach.  As much as I did not want to give him the satisfaction of whatever it was that he did, I staggered to a chair.  I felt so weak... my chest felt tight.  My breaths were starting to come in heaves rather than normal.  And all I could think about was my son... he could not find me like this!

I laughed gleefully and stood up, walking over and pushing the chair in for Lupin.  "Oh, it's just something I brewed up.  It'll be quite painful, deary, something that you deserve.  And yes, if I planned correctly... and we know how well I plan things -- you will be able to say goodbye to your boy.  But I know that this day will haunt him forever... what is it that the two of you always used to say to each other?  It was just the two of you against the world?"  I laughed again and moved to where I could better see the agony in John Lupin's face.  "Well, deary, now it is just him against the world.  Oh yes... you might think that he has his family... but that will not last long.  I will find a way to rip every bit of happiness from that man's life.  And why, you might ask.  Because of you.  You did this to him... and he will have to live without knowing the answers to anything... This is such a wonderful life, isn't it?" I asked, looking out the window.  "Oh my oh my... here he comes now.  And John, you are looking awfully pale.  But don't worry... it won't last much longer and you'll be gone, deary."  I chuckled again and slipped out and stayed close enough to at least know what happened.  I was going to relish this moment....

I wanted to argue with Fenrir... plead with him to leave Remus and his family alone, but he left before I could muster the words.  I also wanted to save my strength to try to say goodbye to my son.  I heard the back door open and Remus's footsteps.  I tried to call out to him to be careful, but instead I ended up sliding out of the chair and hit the floor with a thud.  A groan escaped my lips and I was covering my chest with my hand because it felt like my heart was going to explode or something.

"Dad?" I called out when I heard the thud.  I walked into the kitchen where I smelled something burning.  At first I didn't see him, but when I did... I fell to my knees beside him.  "Dad!  Dad, are you alright?  What's going on?" I asked him, trying to get him to look at me.  He was acting as if he was not coherent.  No... what was going on?  He was holding his chest... was he having a heart attack?  "I need to get you to St. Mungo's," I said to him, trying to at least let him know what was going to be happening if he was still with me.

I reached out and put my hand on my son's.  "No," I gasped, trying to get enough strength and air to be able to say what I needed to say.  I took as deep of a breath as I could.  "Remus, the time comes when it is time for an old man to move on... I do believe this is it... look at me, son," I said as Remus started to look away from me and was still acting frantic about getting me to St. Mungo's.  I did not want them to figure out what happened and tell him.  Did I believe Fenrir would keep going after them?  Not entirely... but I knew Remus would be on guard for him so why waste my last breaths warning him?  I needed him to know that he was going to be okay.

I looked away.  No, this was not going to be goodbye.  There was something the healers could do, I was sure of it.  When my dad told me to look at him, I had to listen.  My eyes were filling up with tears and I saw the tears coming down my dad's face.  "Dad... don't leave me.  It's you and me against the world... it always has been.  Dad... don't... please, let me try to help you," I begged of him.  My voice was catching in my throat.  I felt like the scared little boy I was when I was first bitten.  Dad never left my side.  He stayed with me no matter what type of person I had become.  He walked my wife down the aisle... he always had time to play with my kids... and, most importantly, he was always there for me.  No matter what.  Now what was I going to do?  All I ever had to do when I was upset was just come here and instantly my dad was able to find a way to cheer me up without doing a damn thing.  And I was losing him?  No... I was not going to accept that.  There had to be something I could do to help him.

I smiled the best I could at him.  The tears were falling down my cheeks; I could not help it.  I was seeing my boy for the last time and he was fretting about his old man.  "Remus... there is nothing to be done," I said, squeezing his hand with what strength I had.  "You're not alone in this world even if I am leaving you... Chloe is taking my place..."  I could barely breathe.  I wanted to see my son smile one last time, but I knew that would not happen.  "I love you son... I'll always..."

My dad trailed off and his chest stopped heaving.  His grip fell limp in my hand.  His eyes were vacant and staring far beyond me.  I felt like someone had ripped out my heart.  Why didn't he let me help him?  I pulled him towards me and wrapped my arms around him and sobbed.  I could barely breathe myself with how hard the sobs racked my body.  What was I going to do without him?  How was I going to be able to tell Chloe... the kids?  "Dad... no... I love you.  Do you hear me?  I love you.  You can't leave... Dad..." I sobbed.  He didn't even have a chance for me to say goodbye... did he know how much I loved him?  Why could I not have listened and just let him say his goodbyes so I could say mine?

Mum was with Penny out shopping for some things she needed for school; I had been out in the lake with Will and Chloe.  I was getting curious as to where Dad and Remus were, so I got out of the water and went into the house.  The sound I heard... it was horrible.  I followed it and saw Remus and Dad.  The sound I was hearing was my brother sobbing into Dad's chest.  "Dad...?  Remus...?" I questioned, my voice sounding hollow.  What happened?  Why was Dad just letting Remus... no... no.  Dad was not moving.  That's not okay.

A strangled noise made me pull away from my dad's body.  No... Nate did not need to see this.  I could not undo what he had walked in on, though.  I wanted to stop him, but he came closer and collapsed next to my dad.  He was only nine years old.  I pulled Nate into a hug.  His body shook with tears.  "Nate... Shh... I'm sorry," I said to him.

"W-what happened?" I asked, keeping my face buried in my brother's chest.  How could this have happened?