Without you I'm lost -- August 1991

I was sitting alone in my bedroom staring at the ceiling as I laid on my bed on my back.  I could nto believe that Dad was gone... I felt a hatred inside of me because Remus told me that it was Greyback's fault.  My brother hid nothing from me -- even if he thought I was too young to hear it, I would find a way to get him to tell me teh whole story.  But, well, I felt like a piece of me was missing.  I always had Dad around to joke with and to have him help me with my flying techniques or anything that I needed him for, he was always there.

I hated the fact that Mum wanted to move... granted, she and Dad talked about it for a little while before he died that they wanted to move and whatnot.  I had been -- and still was -- totally against it.  I loved this place.  Right on the other side of the lake was Remus... my big brother.  I knew taht this was a little small for me, the parents,and Penny... but Penny was at school and we only had to put up with her girly nonsense during the summer.  And I was going to school in a couple of years.... oh, I just realized that Dad would not send me off to Hogwarts.

Penny would be leaving for school in less than a month... and it would be so different.  Remus would be gone, too.  It just felt like everyone was leaving me.  Granted, Penny and Remus would be coming back... but still.  Tears burned in my eyes and I rolled over and punched my pillow.  I hated this.  I hated the whole thing.  Why did I have to lose my dad?  Who was going to help me with... I don't know, man stuff?  I had Remus... but I did not want to bother him constantly with everything.  He had Will to worry about, though he would never push me aside.  I heard someone at my door and I quickly wiped my eyes and jumped off my bed to see who it was. 

"Oh, mum," I said, trying to give her a smile.

We all were having a very hard time with John's passing.  Little did Nathaniel knew, John and I had bought a house already to move to.  Penny did not know yet, either.  It was going to be even harder telling them now that he was gone.  I really did not want to stay here now that my husband was gone.  It was just too much.  Penny was listening to music in her bedroom and I had not seen or heard from my youngest all morning. 

I went to his bedroom and I was just about to knock when Nate opened the door.  I could see his red eyes showing that he had been close to crying or actually crying.  Something we all did on and off for the past few weeks.  "Honey, have you eaten?  You hadn't come out for breakfast..." I said to him.  My little man was trying to be so tough, but he was only nine.

It was still very hard for me to realize that Dad was gone.  I mean... I was fifteen.  My parents should still be alive and want to try to tell me how to dress and deal with boys -- which was to ignore them or something.  I sighed and turned my music up a little louder.  It was one of Dad's favorite albums of Johnny Cash.  It brought tears to my eyes, but at least it brought up good memories, too.

I heard Mum walk by but then ended up hearing her go to the smallest bedroom -- which really used to be a small office -- to where Nate's room was.  I knew Mum was still planning on moving.  She did nto know I knew, but I did.  It was horrible... but I knew we needed a new place, too.  Nate was too big for that room now... it made sense.  I just did nto want to leave Dad behind, really.

I shrugged, unsure what Mum wanted me to say.  I would eat when I felt like it.  I stared at her.  "Okay, fine.  I'll come down and eat," I managed to say to her.  I did not feel like talking at all.  I hated talking.

I let out a sigh of relief.  "Thank you, dear," I said to him.  "I made your favorite sandwich already waiting for you..."  He loved his mayo, tuna, and pickle sandwiches.  Slightly odd combination, but still.  I was just glad he said he would eat.

I poked my head out of my bedroom and saw that Nate was at least going down to eat.  I walked out and shut my door behind me.  I went to Mum.  "He's going to at least eat?" I whispered to her as we followed Nate to the kitchen.

I attempted to smile at Mum as I went to the kitchen where my sandwich was made.  I took a bite, but it was not exactly pleasing like it normally was.  I just... I did not like any of this at all.  I wanted my dad back... but that was not going to happen.

I nodded at my daughter.  "Yes," I said to her quietly.  "Why don't we get you into the kitchen and eating something as well?"  I was sure that Penny would listen.  She was at least still eating.

I gave Mum a bit of a hug before walking past her.  "Only if you join us," I added, looking back over my shoulder at her.  She was having a hard time eatin ganything, so I wanted to make sure she was okay, too.

Great... we were going to have a family meal.  Except it would be incomplete.  I watched Penny and Mum walk into the kitchen area and make sandwiches for themselves to join me in the meal.  I did not want to deal with that, though.  I hated life right now.

"Of course I'll join," I said to my daughter.  I was pleased to see that Nate was eating, but he was still not saying a word.  I sighed and took a drink of juice.  "How are you doing there, Nate?  Want some more?"

I wished that Nate would start feeling a bit better.  It worried me a lot that he was not even talking to anyone.  I sighed.  "We should see if Remus can stop by," I suggested to see if Nate would get excited about that.  He doted on Remus more than I did.

I looked up at Penny when she mentioned Remus.  What was he going to be able to do?  Dad was gone... Remus tried to save him, but failed.  I had a feeling that our brother felt worse about the entire thing than I did.

I knew what Penny was trying to do and I smiled kindly at her.  "I'd like that," I said.  "Invite everyone over for a family dinner before school starts back up."  I knew that it would probably be good for all of the Lupins with the loss of John.

I nodded.  "Yeah... Three of us will be gone this year," I said, knowing that not having Will around would be strange for Nate.  He really looked up to his nephew -- I thought it was hilarious the way things were in the family.