I'm here to take the weight of the world off your shoulders -- October 1998

I stood up and started to pace.  Why was this so important for Addison to be digging out?  I stopped walking and looked at Addie.  "Look, I'd rather not talk about it.  If I say it out loud, I'll feel even worse about it than I do now, okay?  So can we please drop it?  I'll handle it my own way," I tried to explain.  I sighed and when all she did was cross her arms and give me that look that tells me that she was not going to just let it drop, I knew I needed to say something.  "Alright, fine.  I'm just having different things from the past run through my head.  I mean... Dad wasn't around or there for me for a lot when I was younger - which was both of our faults, I know - so everything fit perfectly into the pattern that he wasn't there for me on one of my happiest days of my life.  And then the one time I could count on him being there for me... this happens," I explained.  "I don't know... maybe we'd both be better off if we weren't all that close.  Then he would not be injured because of me and then I wouldn't get disappointed if he isn't there for me."  I ran a hand through my hair and sighed.  I knew that Addie would definitely have something to say about that.

I felt so bad for Dean.  I stood up and put my arms around him.  "Dean... don't think that way," I said quietly.  I pulled away and tried to smile at him.  "You know that if he could have been there, he would have been.  He would have fought just as hard to be there for you as he did for Lenni.  I know it's hard to think that way especially with the way your relationship has been rocky with him... but it won't do either one of you any good if you don't continue to build that bond."

I sighed and leaned against the wall with my arms crossed.  "Addie... I just don't know if I can even face him right now with these thoughts going through my head.  It's not like it was his fault... and I know this.  I don't know why these thoughts are even in my head," I told her honestly.  "But it isn't fair if I see him and blame him for something that he couldn't help when in reality it was me who put him in that situation.  It was me who should be blamed for everything that night.  And I'm the one who has always pushed him away... when I got close to him, he gets hurt.  I don't want to do that to him."

I put a hand on Dean's arm but he pulled away.  "dean, this is kind of ridiculous.  He's your father.  Of course he would gladly be put in a position olike that!  He was there to protect you.  Are you going to want your kids to act like this with you?  Of course not.  So stop doing it to your own dad,"  I said, gettin ga little peeved now.

I had pulled away from Addison and started to pace.  I stopped and looked at her, a bemused smile on my face.  She always looked so cute when she got fired up.  "Addie, I just need some time to clear my head of thoughts like this and then I'll go see him.  It's just not fair if I went to go see him being all pissed off at him for something he couldn't help, okay?  Just let me do this my way."  I figured she would probably ignore me in the first place anyways.

I sighed.  He was so stubborn.  "Whatever, babe... just don't wait too long to do anything," I said, trying not to get frustrated with him.  "you might not have as much time as you may think... you never know what might happen.  I don't mean to be negative, I'm just saying."  I really didn't want him to wait.  There was no reason to wait... except for his own damn pride.

I felt bad that I was being such a pain in the arse, but I could not take this lightly.  "I know babe... I know.  I almost lost him twice... I think I know how precious time can be," I said to her quietly.

I felt extremely bad for saying what I did -- especially since Dean took it to that place. I put a hand on his arm and this time he did not pull away.  "I'm sorry, babe, I know.  I just... you can be so damn stubborn," I said, chuckling a little bit.  "Sometimes I just don't know what else to say."

I sighed and put my arms around her, kissing her forehead.  "I know, I know... but you are just as stubborn sometimes.  I am going to hate raising our kids... because they'll get it from both of us," I said, laughing and shaking my head.

I laughed and shook my head.  "Oh, you know you'll enjoy every second of it," I said, giving him a kiss.  I liked the idea of him talking about the future like that.  We both wanted to get settled into being a married couple before giving kids a thought... but I enjoyed knowing that he knew what was in store.

I smiled at her and gave her a kiss.  "Yeah, I'm sure I will," I agreed, unable to even try to deny it.  What were we going to do?  The kids will be doomed with our personalities and stubborness.

"I'm not sure if they'll enjoy it as much... but every parent ends up having at least one child disliking them at one point or another," I teased.  I knew that Dean would make any daughter of ours to hate him with a passion when it came to dealing with boys.

I shook my head, laughing.  "My kids won't hate me, ever... solong as they're boys," I added, frowning slightly.  "Let's make sure they're just boys, alright?  I can handle that."

This was not a battle I could win... to make him see reality.  "Oh yes, Dean... we can totally control what gender we're going end up having one day," I pointed out sarcastically, though I expected him to take me completely serious.

"At least let me pretend, okay?" I said, pleading with her with my eyes.  "It'd make me feel so much better about things, anyways..."  And that was the complete truth.