I'm tired of pretending, but terrified of ending it -- Summer 2019

It was the summer before my last year and I was freaking out.  I was glad that my sister was home and not in the flat that she now shared with Leo -- they had moved in together after Christmas last year.  I found her and pulled her outside.  I did not want Dad or Juliet to hear me -- I was not pleased that Juliet had been staying over here a lot, either.  I was not entirely sure if she moved in or not... Dad was mysterious about that minor detail.  "Dona, we need to talk," I said.  She would be good about what to do about feelings and stuff.

I was startled slightly by Ryan wanting to talk to me... which was even more surprising me with dragging me outside.  "Erm, okay," I said to Ryan slowly.  "Do I even want to know?  Maybe it'd be best if we don't... you're acting odd."

I rolled my eyes at my big sister.  "Look... I'm thinking that there's something mor ebetween me and Kat," I said, sure that my sister would end up having something rather helpful to tell me about everything.

I resisted the laughter that was about to come out of my mouth.  "Really?  hasn't everyone been telling you two that for years?" I inquired, knowing that Ally and I had at least told Katrina that during our last year... which was two years ago.  And I was sure that everyone else continued to do so.

I glared at Sedona.  "Do you want me to continue or not?" I asked, getting angry.  This was why I did not like talking about these things like this.

I held up my hands and gained control of myself.  "I'm sorry, Ryan," I said to him.  I really wanted to help him.  I did need to behave myself.  Ryan hardly ever opened up to me anymore.  "Go on, I promise I'll only be helpful to the best of my abilities."

I was glad that Sedona was getting control over herself. I hated when she acted like an insufferable know it all.  I sighed and tried to figure out exactly what I wanted to say.  "Alright, well, you know we never listened to any of you anyways,"I added, smiling slightly.  "But now I'm thinking that maybe we should have..."

I controlled my excitement from my little brother.  "So you're starting to have strong feelings for her then?" I asked, wanting to hear him say it aloud rather than skirt around it like he was doing.

I sighed.  "I don't know if I'd call them strong," I said to her, trying to stay in denial for as long as possible.  I did not want to deal with her girly reaction to me actually fancying Katrina.

I rolled my eyes at Ryan.  Why was he so difficult sometimes?  I mean, was it so hard to admit he liked her?  Okay... I guess I could see his point.  It took me forever to say anything to Leo.  I sighed.  "Well, you should talkt o her about everything.  That's the only way you will be able to know what's going on and what either one of you want to do," I said to him simply.

I stared at Sedona like she was metnal.  "Yeah, okay," I said, scoffing and shaking my head.  "Like when will I ever really talk to her?  We goof off.  That's about it.  We hardly know each other."  Okay, that was a lie.  Kat and I really did know each other pretty well... but I was not going to let Dona know that.

I rolled my eyes at Ryan.  "Ryan, you can't lie to me about any of this," I said to him flatly.  "You need to talk to her.  Just listen to me... you wanted advice,s o here it is."

I hated when Sedona tried to pull the better listen to her card.  But she was right.  I did go to her... but that did not necessarily mean that I had to completely listen to her.  I mean, it was my sister speaking to me.  I sighed.  "Well, I don' tlike the idea of talking to Kat like that.  It's Kat and I.  You really think a real conversation will ever truly take place?"

Well, Ryan had a point.  Between the two of them... maybe they were not ever goign to have the conversation because, well, they were who they were.  Horny little bastards.  I laughed slightly.  "I think there could be a conversation if you tried," I said to him.

I stared at her.  "Have you ever tried to have a conversation but there was just something much more interesting to do?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.  "It's bloody hard to do."