There are things inside me I need to kill -- TBD

I smiled a true smile.  "I remember what I'm fighting for," I said simply.  When I lost most my memories thanks to Bellatrix Lestrange, there was nothing for me to fight for to face the darkness.  So it wo out nearly every time, nearly destroying my relationsihps with my children.  Leo and Ally being born helped me come to realize what I needed to do before even Chloe was able to.  Ever since then, it has not necessarily been an easy fight, but it was at least a fair fight.

I could not help but chuckle slightly and shake my head.  "I guess it would be something so simple," I said.  "Then why do I get the feeling that it's anything but?" Nothing that was simple was easy.

I turned to look at my friend.  "Because it's not," I replied flatly.  "It's a constant struggle.. the darkness never gives up.  It'll wear on you relentlessly.  That is when you'll need Lily, Ember, Harry, Lyla, Sirius, and Chloe to be there -- which you know they'll be there no matter what."  I did purposely leave myself out.  There was no way I was good enough to help James when he would need me to.

I looked at Moony.  "And I have you, too, Moony.  We need to stick together.  No matter what," I told him, putting a hand on his shoulder.  We could get through this lifelong battle without worrying our families.  Secrets were not always good, but sometimes they were necessary to keep everyone safe.

I looked over at my best mate, trying to smile reassuringly at him.  "Who knew that we would be out here... talking about a darkness that is no longer out in the world but rather within us?" I asked him, shaking my head.  We used to come here to clear our heads during the days of the Order... but now?  Here we were speaking of the demons we were fighting in our own minds.

I looked around us, taking it all in.  Nothing changed out there, yet so much has changed within ourselves.  Moony was right about that.  I sighed and shook my head.  "I don't know, mate," I said.  "At least we're not alone in the battle anymore, though.  I don't know how you've managed this for so long... it was nearly killing me already."

I smiled slightly and looked over at him.  "I've always had you guys, but it is kind of nice to be able to have a little bit more open relationship with one of my best mates.  I always hid this part of myself," I told James.

I now understood what he meant.  I was hiding this darkest part of myself from everyone, it was nice to be able to confide in someone.  I really should speak to Lily about this, but how could I?  We were trying to get everything back to normal still after everything.  "I know," I assured him.  "We might want to head back... I know I've been gone for a little longer than I intentionally meant..."

I sighed and shrugged.  "They might not be that worried... we do need time to ourselves," I pointed out to James.  "And as long as you didn't leave in an argument... or did you?"  I looked at James wiht a worried expression on my face.  He was one to lose his temper over random things sometimes... and if this was weighing on his mind, he had to be on a short fuse a little bit.

I glanced up quickly at Remus when I heard his tone.  I laughed and shook my head.  "No, I didn't start a fight or anything... I just know that I've been worrying Lily lately," I said honestly.

I joined in his laughter and shrugged.  "Well, I thought that it was likely, though," I pointed out to Prongs.  "You know it to be true."  There was no way that James would argue with me on that.

I sighed.  "You know me far too well, Moony," I said softly, shaking my head.  "Perhaps... a dinner for all of us?  That might help combat the darkness within, hmm?" I suggested.  I wondered if spending more time with people who were light would help us better than anything.

I smiled and nodded.  "That would be nice... something for all of us, kids included," I added.  There was no way to get around that anymore.  All of them were old enough to want to hang out with us for a big family dinner.

Laughing, I nodded.  "Yeah... the kids.  Hey, I have a question for you, though," I said, looking at Remus.  "What do you think would be a good way to help me with Evan?  He is still so distant with me... I'm trying everything I can, but i don't want to push him away.  How can I even start to get him to trust me?"

If only I could give james the answer he wanted.  "You know... when Evan was in school, I tried so hard to get him to open up to hearing stories about hsi dad.  He only ever wanted to speak of Lily.  I do have somewhat of a relationship with him, but James... after what Peter did to his memory, I'm surprised he trusts anyone.  He just needs time," I said to him gently.  "He's got more darkness in him than any other Potter I know... but that does not mean that he'll be on the dark side in the end.  It'll be alright," I tried to assure my mate.