Guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor -- Fall 1994 (DONE)

I had not seen or heard from Bill since Annette's funeral.  I was extremely concerned about him.  I took a spontaneous vacation to Egypt to check on my older brother.  I got to his house and knocked on his door.  I really hoped he was home and that he would answer.  If he was at work, I would wait.  I could easily get into his house.  He needed me there with him.  I knew he was taking this extremely hard and that it was definitely difficult.  I knew something happened that Bill was not saying.  And I was going to get to the bottom of it.  I knocked again, hoping Bill would answer this time.  I did not relish the idea of breaking into his house since the door was locked... I already tried it.

I had hoped that whoever was at my door would leave, but they were rather persistent.  I had left Seth with Annette's parents.  He seemed to be really helping them right now.  I stood up and opened the door to see my brother standing there.  He actually put a smile on my face. I pulled him into a hug and resisted bursting into tears.  My brother had that power over me.  I pulled him in and closed the door.  "Why are you here Charlie?" I asked him, leading him to my living room.

I noticed the lack of noise and toys. Seth must not be here. It felt so depressing at Bill's place right now. He really needed his son here... he would be able to help Bill so much. "I'm here because you haven't sent me any response. I'm concerned about you. Be glad it's me and not Mum," I added, trying to get my brother's spirits lifted. He needed to start getting out of this funk. I knew it was hard... but the first step was showering.

I sighed and ran my hand through my grimy hair.  I would hate for anyone to see me like this right now besides Charlie.  I sat on the couch and shook my head slightly.  I looked at my brother.  "Charlie, what am I going to do?" I asked, tears in my eyes.  I was afraid I would not be able to do this alone.

This is what I was waiting for. "You're going to have to go take a shower," I said, clapping my hands on my knees. "One moment at a time. So a shower is first." I stood up and pulled my brother to his feet. Once he was in the shower, I put some clean clothes in the bathroom for him. I then started to clean up his place. I actually got quite a bit done in the twenty minutes he was in the shower. I was just starting to make some lunch when I heard Bill leave the bathroom.

I saw how much my brother was doing.  But he thought that it just had to deal with losing her.  No one, but of course Gringotts, knew the truth.  And even then, Gringott employees did not know the whole truth of what was said and done down there.  I walked into the kitchen.  "Charlie, we need to talk.  You need to know what happened," I said quietly.  Then maybe he would just let me be miserable.

I put the sandwiches and tea that I made in front of him. Maybe he would eat. "So go ahead and talk, Bill," I said softly. I would be listening and patient. It would help explain everything as to why Bill was like this.

I took a drink of the tea and looked at Charlie.  "I was with her... I had to leave her Charlie.  I had to leave her... she was there alone when she died," I said hoarsely, tears falling from my eyes.

I went and sat next to Bill at the island he had. I put a hand on his shoulder to let him know I was there for him. But I did not say a word... I wanted him to continue and If eared that he would stop if interrupted.

I took a deep breath, but I had to continue.  It was extremely difficult, but I had to get it out.  I cleared my throat and forced myself to continue.  "We were working on this one area... and a curse backfired or something.  It might have been a protective spell... I don't realy know.  The walls started to crumble.  I got the injury on my shoulder and the ceiling collapsed, falling on her.  I found her through all the dust and sand and rubble... I would have blasted the rock off, but my wand was broken and she lost hers, too.  She was bleeding and her hands were so cold already," I said, shuddering as I remembered the way things looked that night.

I squeezed his shoulder. "Bill... if you can't... don't force yourself," I told him softly. I really did not want him to hurt this badly. But then again, this would help him move on at the same time. "Take all the time in the world, Bill. I'm here for you." I figured I would let him know that he was not rushed in telling me what happened that day.

I squeezed Charlie's hand on my shoulder and shook my head.  I had to continue.  "She was trapped.  WE both knew if I stayed any longer I'd be in the same horrible condition as Annette.  I held her hand as long as I could.  But she told me I had to leave her.  SHe would wait for rescue.  But I needed to go she said.  I didn't want to leave her.  I couldn't, though, Charlie."  I turned to look at my brother.  "She is the only woman I loved after Tonks... I could not lose her.  But I also have a son... and I could not leave him either.  That's the only reason I left Annette... I wanted to stay."  I took a deep breath and drank some more tea.  And as I said that I loved Annette I knew it to be true... but it just was no where near as strong as what I had felt for Tonks.

"B the time help arrived, the cave collapsed... pretty much right when I got in safe distance... there was no getting to her.  I left her alone down there to die..." I felt my body begin to shake as I began to let go of my tears.  "She was all alone... and I am so scared for Seth... I don't know if this grief and gilt is all about Annette or the fact that I feel so guilty about wanting to continue what I do.  It's unsafe out there... yet I want to continue my job.  It goes against what I have told myself since Annette's passing though..." I could not believe what I was saying.

I took a deep breath. maybe I should have brought Mum. I really hoped that I could help him. "Bill... you can still go out there and do your job. You will be a father, too. There is always a way to be able to get back to where you can make it through. One step at a time" I told him softly. Ireally hoped that I could help him.

I ran a hand through my hair.  "charlie, I don't know if I can.  Seth deserves more.  He deserves someone who will never leave him... I love him.  He's my son.  I will give up my passion so he can have a father," I said.  I just could not do it to Seth... leave him the way that happened with his mother.  I just wish that it did not take losing his mum to make me realize this.

I was not going to argue. He would not abandon his son... it was good to hear. "Bill, do whatevery ou need to do about this decision" I said, being supportive. The way he was speaking had me greatly confused bout his feelings, though. "But what are you talking about, really... I just feel like I'm not following you entirely with what you're saying about everything." I hated not being on the same page as Bill... that hardly happened.