What's Going On? -- November 1996

I had called Dean to my office after class.  I knew that he had beenskipping my class on purpose.  He hadnt' been here for a few times now and I was forced to do somethign about it, despite me having my own ways to find out why.  I leaned against my desk with my arms crossed, waiting for him to come into my office.

I knew this wasn't going to be good. I looked at everyone and let them know I'd meet up with them later. I ran my hand through my hair as I wakled up the steps to get to his office. I knocked and waited until I heard him say that I could enter before doing so. "Yes, Professor?" I asked, leaving the door open. I'd rather not have him pull the parental card on me so if I left the door open, then he'd have to act like my teacher and not one of my confidants.

I walked over and closed the door. "Sit," I said. I tried to be nice before, but now I was getting impatient. "Dean... you haven't been to class a few times... and now I'm getting concerned," I told him. I leaned against my desk looking at him. "This isn't you. Are you goign to tell me what's going on?"

I shrugged. "Giving me a detention for skipping?" I asked, avoiding the personal aspect of the question.

I sighed, getting frustrated with him. "Dean, I very well could. And I probably should give you detention," I snapped at him. "I know what you're doing... and it's not healthy. You can't just ignore the feelings or anything. You need to face what happened without ignoring it." I started pacing in front of him. What was I goign to do about him? Something was off and who knew what was going to happen.

Remus hardly ever rose his voice -- to anyone. And he did to me just now. Kind of snapped me out of my mood. "Look, Remus, I'm sorry," I said, meaning it. "I know skipping class isn't good. But I'm just going on with my life. I'm living it up.. having some fun." I knew he would probably see right through some of my bullshit. But I didn't want to get into everything. I was actually doing a good job at not thinking about Addison, just not in the best way.

I leaned against my desk and looked at him. "You should know I won't give you detention," I said, my way of apologizing for losing my temper without actually apologizing. I shouldn't have to, to a kid who was flatly disrespecting me. But I also didn't want to lose Dean confiding in me. I really was worried about him. "Do you know what you risk losing by having all of this fun?" I asked, using quotations around the word 'fun'. Addison was getting closer to where seh was before... and I didn't want to see Dean lose her just because of somethign stupid. I could see how much they wanted to be together.

I stood up and started pacing, avoiding Remus's gaze. "I'm not at the risk of losing anything -- I already lost it," I told him. "so why not try to make the best of it? I'm not like you... or Uncle James... I haven't found my someone that will keep me sane. I thought I did, but look how that turned out. Why not take a leaf from Dad's book and just enjoy the fact that women here think that I'm drop dead gorgeous?" I asked, looking at Remus.

Of course he didnt' see it because he didnt' want to. "Dean, if you tried to look... tried to pay attention, you'd see that the one you really care for is coming back to you," I said quietly. "But I'm not here to be a match maker. I just don't want you to do something you'll regret."

I didn't make eye contact with Remus. Of course I noticed that Addie was coming back! I knew this... I always thought of Addison. But how did I know if she was thinking about me? I purposely tried to ignore her. I didn't want to get hopes up and then be let down again. "I promise no more skipping class," I said lamely. I knew that that wasn't what Remus wanted to hear... but that was all I could do. I didn't know what to do. I was lost... I really was. But I wasn't going to find my way back unless I found my way back to Addison, though we all knew that wasn't going to happen. "Are we okay?" I asked, hoping to get out of here.

I sighed, unsure of what to do about Dean. "Just promise me one thing, Dean," I said. I waited until he looked up at me before I continued. "Please... just think about what you're doing. Perhaps talk with Harry or someone to clear your own head instead of running around with a lot of girls."

I shrugged. "I can promise you that I'll think about what I'm doing," I told him. "But I don't know if I'm going to talk to anyone about all of this except, to be honest, you. And maybe Dad. But I don't see Dad and I"m not gonna write all this in a letter. That won't do anything for me." I looked at Remus and sighed. "I just don't know if the guys can help..."

He was making this a lot hard than it had to be. "Are you afriad that they're going to judge you if you break down?" I asked, sitting down into my chair.

Damn... Remus could always tell what was on my mind. "Of course. And they would. You know they would... none of them have really been in love and they definitely haven't lost it. They wouldn't understand, Remus," I tried explaining.

I really needed to dig down for patience now. "Dean, just because they haven't gone through what you have doesn't mean that they won't at least try to understand," I explained slowly. It was the only way to say it so I wouldn't come off as being angry or anything.