Though nothing will keep us together -- January 1982

The start of the new year would be hard for everyone -- we lost Peter to be turned out as a traitorous rat, we lost Lily and James, we lost Harry to the Dursleys, we lost Sirius -- but we had to go on.  I lost the only three mates I had to help me through things in the beginning.  I realized I was going back to some of my other tendencies of control -- keeping things organized and perfect.  having two babies, it was rather difficult to do so.

I found Ember in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place looking so lost and... well, broken.  I pulled out a chair quietly as I could see the kids asleep in the play pen.  "Ember," I said to her.  She did not even appear to realize I was there.

I had not heard Remus say my name until he repeated it quite a few times apparently.  I blinked and looked at the kids and then Remus.  "Oh, hullo," I said to him, taking a drink of my tea laced with some rum.  I was just tired and had a hard time holding it all together.

I watched her without saying a word for a bit.  "Ems, you're not okay," I said to her simply.  I adjusted my chair and leaned forward in it.  "You can't keep everything inside that you're thinking."  I had no idea what was going through her mind, but she had to let it out.  I could see it eating away at her.  I had been worried about her... and so I stopped in.  And I was glad that i did.

I looked at Remus and shook my head.  "I'm no tkeeping everything inside," I said to him, though we both knew that I was laying through my teeth.

I sighed and shook my head.  "Ems, talk.  You need to.  after everything..." I trailed off.  I did not want to acknowledge the loss of my mates, either, but I had to.  It was the only way we could really move on.

I looked at Remus and, before I knew it, tears were falling.  "Why did he have to go and do that?  We have Dean and Elena... I know he was just avenging James and Lily... but his own children..." I stammered out, wiping at my eyes.

I put a hand on Ember's arm.  "You know Sirius," I said to her quietly.  "He doesn't always think properly when he's angry."  That was a given.  Ember obviously knew that, but I could still understand her hurt.

Of course Remus would be sticking up for Sirius; I should be sticking up for Sirius, but how could I?  I had two young children to think about!  I looked at Remus and wiped away my tears.  "I know his temper gets the best of him," I said to Remus.  "I'm just so... angry, Remus.  When it first happened... I was appalled and nearly blamed him.  And then I could barely make it up to him and he goes and does this!"

I sighed and shook my head.  "Sirius knows that you were just hurting," I assured Ember.  "He understands... he always has."  I did not want Ember blaming herself in addition to Sirius about things that could no longer be changed.  What happened, happened.  It was nothing that they could go back and do anything about.  I did not want them to beat themselves up about it.  I mean, if Ember said that Sirius was not the secret keeper, then I had to believe it.  I had thought that Sirius was... but the whole thing was a mess.  All these doubts and insecurities that Ember was having was not helping anyone, either.

I sighed and looked away from Remus.  He was just trying to help, but I felt like I needed to just vent and get these doubts off my chest.  "I know," I replied quietly.  "I know how Sirius is and he knows how I am.  No matter what we'll be by each other's sides... but what am I supposed to do?  I have Lenni and Dean to think about more than myself or even Sirius."

I let Ember speak because she needed to let it out.  "Ems... you know you aren't alone when it comes to anything -- especially the kids," I assured her.  "Chlo' and I will always be around for the whole lot of you."