I won't give up on us, even when the sky is rough -- Summer 2018

It was obvious to everyone that Charlie and I might not make it through our loss.  But I could not lose my husband, too.  I found him up in our daughter's room and sat down beside him on her bed.  I hated how he just practically ignored me.  I took hold of his hand, despite the coldness that I felt from him.  It was not necessarily coldness just towards me -- he was like that with anyone anymore.  Bill and I have spoken about this a lot.  I waited until Charlie's broken gaze met mine.  "We need to talk, Charlie," I said to him quietly.  "We can't keep going on like this."

I held in my hands the favorite bear that our daughter always cuddled since she was a little girl.  I barely felt Desi put a hand on mine and then I forced myself to look at her.  I could barely talk to her anymore.  All I saw was my baby girl -- the baby girl that her and Bill had to create because I was unable to help give my wife the one thing she wanted.  I looked at her because Desdemona wanted me to.  I still loved her dearly.  But it was just so hard to be here with her.  She was right; we could not keep going on like this.  "I know," I said to her, as she was just stating the obvious.  I just did not know what to do anymore.

At least he spoke.  "I think we need to either have somebody help us with this and to get through this or... well, move or something," I said to him.  "I don't want to lose you, but if something doesn't start getting better...."

I did not realize how serious Desi was until she trailed off.  I held her hand and tried to reassure her.  "I can't lose you, too," I said to her quickly.  I did not realize she felt this bad about everything... I had been in my own litlte world of grief from losing Quinn.

I looked at Charlie and felt a bit of despair.  "Then help me help you," I said to him, almost pleading with my husband.  "You're not letting any of us in... and we're slowly losing you.  And I can't lose you this way."

I stared at Desi.  "I dont know what I need," I said to her honestly.  "I just... a parent shouldn't outlive their child," I replied, tears filling my eyes.

I held onto his hand.  "You don't think I know that?" I said to him, exasperated.  "I lost a child, too, Charlie.  She was as much my little girl as she was yours."

I stopped before I even started to speak.  I pulled Desdemona into a tight hug.  I had been being so selfish about everything... I was ignoring the loss that Desi was feeling, too.  "I love you so much," I whispered into her hair as I held her close.  "And I am so sorry..."

I tried not to break down, but when Charlie held onto me, I could not help it.  It was almost as if I had my husband back... would this last, though?  I could feel him crying as well.  After we both calmed down, I looked at Charlie.  "What are we going to do?" I questioned quietly.

I shook my head.  "I don't know," I said to her with complete honesty.  "I've pushed you so far..."  I was not entirely sure if she could begin to think of letting me back in when I had hurt her so much.  I did not want to lose her; I could not lose someone else.

I looked at Charlie.  "You have," I said to him honestly.  "I haven't exactly kept you within reaching distance, either."  I had started to pull away just as much as I was being pushed away by him.  "We need to find our love again, Charlie.  Quinn was not the only thing keeping us together -- we loved each other.  And I sitll love you."

I reached over to her.  "Of course I still love you," I assured her the best that I could.  "I don't know what happened to that... I think I lost myself when we lost Quinn."  I could admit that at least.

I nodded, obviously I understood that fact.  "We need to find ourselves again, Charlie.  I'd like to do that together, but if we have ot do it apart..." I trailed off, not wanting to really address that aspect of our options.

I looked at Desi and nodded.  "I want to stay with you, too," I said to her.  "We need to find a way... maybe go back to Romania where it all started for us?"

I was stunned when Charlie suggested vacationing or perhaps he was suggesting moving.  I held his hand and squeezed it.  "We will find a way," I assured him.  "Would that even be feasible for us with everything from Quinn's medical bills...?"