Somebody help me tame this animal -- Summer 1980

I was helping with the Order and Professor Dumbledore wanted me to be involved in the underground.  I had to endure embracing the darker side of me.  It was horrible.  If I did not have Chloe, I was not entirely sure if I could do it.  Even still, it was difficult enough.  I had to talk to Dumbledore and see if there was any other way that I could help the Order.  It was starting to become too much.  I did not want to talk to Chloe about it; no need to frighten her with the idea of me losing control.  The guys would just tell me that I was worrying too much and that I could handle it.  They always had too much confidence in me.  My dad seemed to be the only one who understood the battle I faced every single day.  But that was because he had seen me at my worst where I had lost control or nearly lost control.  I just had to speak with Dumbledore about this, though.  There was no question about it.  I entered the Headmaster's office through the Floo network and saw him sitting at his desk.  It was time for my normal check in for him anyways.  "Hello, Professor," I said, knowing now was not the time for many pleasantries with what was going on around us.

I looked over my glasses at Remus.  He always looked more and more tired every time I saw him.  "Anything new on the front from below, Remus?" I asked him, setting down my quill.  I had a feeling this would be more than just a quick little chat about the Order business.

I shook my head.  "Not in regards to what you asked me to keep tabs on, no," I replied honestly.  "But in the regards to my own personal mental health, yes.  Professor... I'm starting to lose it.  I can feel the control that I have worked so hard to maintain slowly slipping away."  I started pacing in front of his desk.  "I've snapped at Chloe and them... I can feel this-this darkness closing down around me and if I don't do something about it, I know I'm not strong enough to fight against it."  I stopped moving and looked at him.  "Not that I'm saying I don't want to help the Order.  I know these are dark times and that everything going o is testing everybody... but I just think it may be best not to poke something that is already hard enough to control as it is."

I listened and let Remus speak his mind.  I did wonder if this would happen when he agreed to doing this.  "Remus, we must not try to sink beneath our anguish, but to battle on," I told him, motioning for him to sit down.  "I know this is difficult for you.  But you have always managed to stay in control -- even in fights while at school.  You are stronger than you may realize, Remus, but let your friends help you like they have willingly helped you before.  Isolation may be what is weakening you -- being isolated from your friends and Chloe for that long... yes, we live in dark times, but even happiness can be found if one just remembers to turn on the light."

The animal within me did not want to hear Dumbledore's philosophical viewpoints on my condition.  I sat down and forced myself to take deep breaths.  "I don't want to hurt them, Professor.  That's why I stay away more than I probably should.  This isn't the life I wished for my mates or Chloe..." I shook my head.  She deserved much better than me.

"You must remember, Remus, that she chose you.  She knew all the risks and the possibilities and yet she still decided to marry you," I pointed out to him.  "She can handle it if you argue with her or anything else that may happen.  It is just like your father in a manner of speaking," I explained.

I sighed heavily and looked at Professor Dumbledore.  "But... it goes against everything in me to willingly put her in harms way -- which is me.  I vowed to protect her... even if that means protecting her from myself," I told him.  It really was not good for me to be speaking to Dumbledore about all of this, but he was the only one at the moment who could listen.  He had the guys doing their own missions and I hated admitting to them that I was having a hard time controlling my furry little problem.

Before I answered him, I made us each a cup of tea.  I sat his mug in front of him and stirred some sugar into my own.  I looked across the desk at him, recognizing the scared little boy I had met years ago.  "Remus, I think you underestimate Chloe.  She vowed to protect you as well... even if it's from yourself," I pointed out, a small smile playing at my lips.  I hoped he would understand what I was getting at with this.

I drank from the cup, letting its warmth comfort me slightly.  "It's a double-edged sword with me at all times," I said quietly, shaking my head.  "She should not have to do that."

"And yet she took on that responsibility," I pointed out, taking a sip of my own tea.  Remus was always one to be downing himself because of what he was.  "You need to have more confidence in yourself and others who care for you, Remus.  If you don't, that may be your downfall."

I looked up at the headmaster from my cup of tea, surprised by his blatant honesty.  Normally he spoke in riddles before anyone was able to realize what he was getting at.  I sighed, running a hand through my hair -- a trait we all seemed to have picked up from James while we were at school.  "I just... I think I'm losing it, Professor," I admitted quietly.  "And, after all these years that I learned to control it, I feel my power over the beast within waning away with every full moon."

I stood up and shook my head at him.  "Remus, the fact that you see this happening... your control isn't disappearing.  The illusion that you were always in one hundred percent control is vanishing, however.  I hate to remind you that with your lycanthropy, no matter what you may have htought, you were never in complete control.  It had just gotten almost easy to keep control.  But now... it's becoming a challenge again," I explained to him my thoughts on the situation.

There was a way to look at it, I suppose.  I ran a hand through my hair, unsure if I could handle this new challenge again.  "I guess I always knew that I was never in complete control..." I said, my voice trailing off slightly.  I just never thought that it would get this close to losing that control so soon.  I figured it may happen as I grew weaker with age or something.  I looked at Dumbledore.  "Then you agree that I should possibly get out of the low life that I have been pretending to live like?" I was scared of hurting the ones I loved.

I sighed and shook my head sadly at Remus.  "We need you there," I said to him quietly.  He had to understand that.  He was the only one we could trust to be on the inside of such a lowly area.  "I am sorry about that, Remus.  You are strong enough to be able to handle it, though... I have utmost faith in you."

I knew he was going to say that.  "Do you realize how hard it is to see that - that creature who did this to me every time I go to the slums?  He gloats about it... he has me proving myself that I am actually one of them," I said, disgusted.  They all sickened me.