I'm faded, I'm broken inside -- Late Summer 2016

I had been reading by the window as it was my usual perch. I noticed deans owl coming, smirking " come on in." I unlatched the window as he flew in. I took the letter and opened it. I put my book down, " I'll be there." I said. I got up and scribbled a note for the kids and George. I apparated to the door. I knocked and waited for someone to answer.

I sighed and got into my wheelchair because I knew I would not make it to the door on just the braces and crutches.  Stan had ended up going to the bathroom so I knew he would not get the door.  I got there rather quickly considering that it took me a minute to get into the chair.  I opened it and saw Lenni.  "Hey sis," I said, smiling at her, wheeling back so she could come on in.  I knew I could hide the way I was feeling from the kids pretty easily, but not with Elena.  So I really hoped that I did not look like I was depressed and at the end of my rope.  "Want some tea?" I asked her as I made my way to the kitchen.  The go to fixer upper for our family.

" Tea would be lovely, than we can talk." I told him hoisting my purse up on my shoulder as I walked in. He looked just like Stan was talking about. I saw the look on his face when I said talk, " Now, I'm here I can see you..." I said to my brother knowing how incredibly stubborn we both were. I am not dropping this.

I pursed my lips together when she said talk and led the way to the kitchen.  I poured us a couple of mugs of tea when it was ready, trying my best to avoid the topic, though I knew that Elena would not cease to talk about it.  "Lenni, everything is fine," I assured her, handing her a cup.  I just got into my moods and normally it was when no one was home.  I would break some thigns and then obviously repair them and go about my day.  It just happened when the kids were home today and I was sure that was why Stan mysteriously disappeared.

I took the cup from my brother " You know I know you.....everything is not fine...what's up bro?" I asked him as I blew on the hot cup of tea in my hands. I would leave it open and continue to open it the more he avoids it.

I was not entirely sure where to even begin.  I ran a hand through my hair.  "Well, where do I begin?" I asked, knowing that I had to open up to someone about everything going through my head.  "I'm just so tired of being like this, Lenni.  It's really starting to get to me.  I've been researching some things with Aunt Lily's help... there are more options now.  I just don't know what I'm going to do about all of it."  I felt ashamed at admitting what I was about to, but it was eating me up and I did not know what to do.  "I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this... no, I'm not going to do something stupid like I've been known to do when I get to this point.  Well, I'm far past the point of where I used to do stupid shit.  If I still used, I would have been using years ago."  I sighed and shook my head.  "But I digress... on top of all that that I've been feeling for so long, I found out that Addison is cheating on me."  Yes, I did just throw that out there almost like it was no big deal.  "My life is just going to hell and normally there is something I could do about it.  But now... I don't know.  I have tried so many different ways and whatnot to not feel sorry for myself... and to do things to keep my mind off of it.  Lenni, I feel like I'm drowning..."  I shook my head and took a drink of the tea and realized that I was shaking slightly.  I set the cup down and rubbed my forehead a little bit with my fingers.

Well, I had just uncorked all of that. Sounds like he's been keeping that in. Which dad normally did too. Which it wasn't far off from how they both perceived anger. I would never tell him that because he says he is nothing like that. He doesn't let his anger get to him. I shook my head, hearing Addison cheated on him. I had the ache to ask who with but I kept my mouth shut. " I am proud that you haven't let it take you over.." I told him as he seemed he may need a slight pick me. " Things will feel overwhelming no doubt as it sure as hell is. " I explained. I wanted to know why she would cheat on him after everything they;ve been through it seems like such a low disgusting move. I was definitely going to talk to Addison. " So, what haveyou been doing to keep occupied?"

I looked up at my sister and shook my head.  "Mostly work... physical therapy even though it's not helping me at all, some research on procedures.  And as of late, plotting how I could get away with killing Malfoy," I added, chuckling slightly as I would never go through with murder but it sounded so good.  "With working with the Aurors all these years, I know how to get away with it.  But it seems most plans I need legs... so I'm pretty much useless."  When I could hear the anger in my voice even though I was attempting to mask it, I knew it was bad.

I grinned as he spoke about getting revenge on Malfoy. It clicked, she cheated on my brother with MALFOY?! DRACO MALFOY?! Really?! Wow....well, we would need to have a chat. " With Auror training and healer training..could easily add to the poison idea..." I suggested. Knowing the more ridiculous it sounded.

I was so happy that Elena was just letting me rant because I needed it.  I could not do this in front of the kids.  And I hated doing this with Mum or Dad... they would make me think logically about everything and I really did nto want to do that at the moment.  "You know, I wouldn't need legs for that one.  But I think I want something more painful... a lot more painful," I said.  "There are these interrogating potions and whatnot that they use especially for evil wizards and witches at work... I'm debating getting my hands on those, though."

" Ah, and then when they realize it was you who poisoned Draco...and the kids are without there dad....I suppose we will just open up our house until you get out of prison for murder." I said with a shrug. After ranting it was always good to make Dean smirk. Seeing his reaction I knew I was doing my job. " It's not an easy thing to love someone unconditionally. Especially when they've completely torn apart your trust. Trust is like a piece of crumpled paper...you can never really make it flat again.." I explained. " Now, before you continue...I am not saying it was by any means the appropriate thing to do...at all. " I said with a smile and my hand raised.

" I am simply saying it's good to rant...I have been getting better at not solving all of my problems with my fists..." I told my brother who I knew had some sort of reply to me. " I had to especially with the girls and Cael..I couldn't have them assume it was the right thing to do.."

Damn, there was that logic.  My sister did elicit a slight grin from me, though.  I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.  "Yeah, yeah, I know.  I'd never kill him," I said, though the idea of torture was still up in the air.  I shook my head.  "Or do anything to him for that matter... like you said, we both needed to learn how to behave ourselves with our kids watching our every move."  

I looked at her.  "Alright, the floor is yours.  I know how your brain works... I'm sure there's something rattling around in there about everything," I said, knowing that it could hurt worse with her saying some things, but right now... I needed to not love Addison.  I wanted to feel nothing rather than this feeling of betrayal.

I smiled, " When you know that...that's a good sign. I know you wouldn't kill him to get sent away to Azkaban. For George and I to raise your kids....it's already bad enough seeing as they are duplicates of you.....in more ways than one." I said with a grin. " She expects you to be this angry but not get upset about it apparently....she expects you to fight for her over Malfoy...from the sounds of it. Something she caused....it's her fault not his or yours." I told him, " Now, I know he says things to you and you want to kill him now. I would want to kill someone too." I agreed, " Realistically, do you see yourself being able to do anything to him?"

I shook my head.  "Of course not," I said.  "I'm not the murderer -- he is."  Oh yes, I remembered exactly what he did to Professor Dumbledore -- adn I did not care if it was to protect his sister.  Though, in reality, I probably would have done the same exact thing if the situation was reversed.  I just am not entirely sure I could have killed the greatest wizard of all time, though.  "If she weren't pregnant... I might have thought about working through it, but I just can't."