I can't escape myself -- September 1996

I could not believe that this had happened.  I was back at school during the week and instead of going to Hogsmeade I was allowed to go home or to St. Mungo's because of Dad.  I looked down at my hand because it ached a little bit.  And by a little bi, I meant a lot.  I punched and injured a wall with my fist.  It sucked because it was my dominant hand... so it was hard to do anything with notes and essays.  I refused to take any meds or potions for the pain or to even hehlp with healing because of my addiction problems.  I was not even listening to Uncle remus's lecture.  I looked up and saw him staring at me.  I knew I had to look like hell.  I could not and would not sleep... all Isaw was everything that happened in the caves/tunnels to Dad.  I saw him in surgery, I heard those beeps, they haunted me.  The rest of the students started to get up, indicating the end of class.  I guess I should follow suit.  I was just going through the motions.

After dismissing class, I pursed my lips.  I was worried about Dean.  He was looking like he did last year when he overdosed.  "Dean, could you stay a moment please," I requested.  I really hoped that I was mistaken.  I just did not want him to go through that again or anyone else who cared about him.  They all had so much on their plate that I wanted to keep him from adding more to it.

I finished putting my things away and walked up to my godfather.  I knew that look... I saw it last year during this time actually.  "I'm not high," I said flatly.  Had I thought about it?  Hell yeah I did.  I wanted everything to just stop running through my head.  I see how broken Mum is... Lenni... the beeping... almost losing Dad... I really wanted to get stoned.  So badly.  So badly that I had nearly gone to one of my old suppliers besides Morgan to get some.  It would help my pain in my hand, too.  I just was not sure if I wanted to deal with all of this type of attitude.  But if I was going to deal with it, shouldn't I do something to deserve it?

Well, at least he were blunt about it.  "How's the hand?" I questioned.  I was extremely concerned.  This was not the Dean that I knew.  This was the Dean that had chosen drugs and alcohol when he lost hte baby and the love of his life.  This time it was his dad.  He needed to take care of himself... not destroy himsef.

I shrugged.  I ran my good hand through my hair.  "It hurts like a bitch and is taking forever to heal.  You tell me," I said, trying not to let my anger out on my uncle.  It was not his fault that any of this was going on.  It was mine.  I was hoping that maybe he would think that I was trying to be funny rather than me being angry.

It was a little difficult to tell if he was being joking or sarcastic or what his attitude was right now.  "You could take something to help just the healing process," I said, stacking up my extra handouts I gave them today in class.  No matter if I knew everyone got a copy, there always seemed to be a handful that lost it somehow.

I liked how he said the word 'just' in there.  Oh no, they would not want me to jump off the deep end.  I shook my head.  "This is nothing compared to what he must have felt," I told Remus.  I hated the way he was looking at me.  It really was as if I was doing drugs again.  I did not want to deal with this... any of it.  I was trying so hard to be strong and stay away from everything that I could use to help but were clearly wrong choices.  I should confide in Uncle Remus and everyone... but I needed to be strong for my Mum and sister, how could I tell them what was going through my head?  "I have to go to class," I said, slinging my bag over my shoulder.  I just wanted to get away from his stare.

I knew he did not have class quite yet... he had lunch first.  I sighed and smield at him the best I could.  "Okay... just know my door is always open for you to talk," I said, not arguing with him to stay.  I just hoped he was going to be strong enough to stay away from his vices.

I was grateful he let me go.  I walked the halls and realized that it was lunch.  I sighed and went to change directions to go to the Great Hall.  A group of Slytherins were walking towards me and I heard them start up about Dad.  I clenched my jaw and told myself to ignore them.  I would walk right by... until they blocked my path and pushed me a little bit.  "Get out of my way," I said, glaring at them.  All they did was laugh like idiots and stay in my way.  This was not going to end well.  If they did not move, I swear I was goign to do something.  Maybe Remus would end up having to break up a fight.

I went to walk by them again, they pushed me so hard that they actually threw me off balance so my shoulder struck the castle wall.  Which is made of stone... so it hurt.  I took a deep breath.  I was not going to let them get to me.  I shoved past a couple of them blocking my way, but let my bag drop off of my shoulder when someone said something else about my family.  Without any other warning, I spun around and punched the closest kid in the jaw.  My left hook always seemed to surprise people because most everyone is right handed.  The thing that surprised me -- even though it should not have -- was the pain that went shooting up my entire arm from my hand.  It was injured and had already been hurting.  Being distracted by my own pain, they got a couple of good shots in.  I ended up on the ground in a matter of seconds -- it really was not a fair fight since there were five against one.  They walked off and said something about us Blacks being weak and insulting me and Dad.  I grabbed my bag angrily and walked to where I knew I could find Craig.  I pushed away every fact that was popping up in my head telling me this was a bad idea.  I got just a small amount... just enough to take the edge off right now.  I would not get anymore after this.  It was still nice outside so I went and sat in a pretty secluded place by the edge of the lake and took the hits I needed.  I just stayed there... I laid back in the grass and just closed my eyes, letting the weightlessness enwrap me.  I was just hoping that no one would bother me.

I did not see Dean at lunch and I still had time before my next class.  I went to search for him.  He liked a certain spot by the lake and I went over to it and saw him laying in the grass relaxing.  I was glad to see that his eyes were closed, but the closer I got, the more concerned I became.  I sat down on the grass next to him.  "Dean, sweetie, are you okay?" I asked him, almost positive he was awake.  He did not look like he was restful in the sleeping kind of manner.  His eyes were closed, but it was obvious there was pain... meaning he was awake.

I heard someone come up beside me and I realized that it was Addison.  Shit... now I was busted.  I opened my eyes and propped myself up on my elbows, trying to act all normal.  "Hey babe... I'm fine.  Never better," I said, lying to her obviously.  I just did not want her to catch on to what I was doing.

I put a hand on his leg as I sat there contemplating how I shuld proceed.  It was obvious he was lying to me.  But should I call him out n it?  "You know you don't have to be all stoic with me," I said softly, thinking that sounded better than anything else that I was pondering.  He seemed really ut of it... and I refused to let my mind go there.  He could not be doing drugs again... not after what happened last year.  I sighed and hoped that I would get some sort of response from him.

I smiled the best I could at her and gave her a kiss on the cheek.  "I know... and I'm not," I said, standing up despite the look she gave me.  I did nto feel like talking right now.  I just wanted to be by myself, but that was definitely not going to happen now.  "It's time for class, I think."  I had no idea the time and I really did nto feel like going to potions and dealing with Snape, but I really could nto afford to skip his class, either.  It had been hard enough staying in his class for my career choice as it was.

I raised my eyebrows at him and stood up.  "Dean... you have another twenty minutes until class.  What's going on?" I asked, my mind really starting to go to where I really did not want it to.  But he was acting really shady... I did not understand why he would be pushing me away right now.  Did I do something?  Or was he hiding something he did no want me to see?

I had to dig down deep so I did not yell at her. I just wanted to be alone right now, was that not obvious? I turned to look at her. "Look, Addie, I would just like to be by myself a little bit before I have to endure a grueling hour of Snivvie's snide remarks," I said, stealing the nickname Dad always called Snape. I liked it, actually. I just did not want to deal with his disdain and the happy look on his face that my dad was in a bloody coma. I was going to knock that smirk right off of his face. I did not need magic to do that, etiher... if I was going to get rid of that smirk, I was going to do it with my bloody fist. And that seemed like a wonderful idea right about now... he better not push my buttons today or I will definitely lose it.