I won't apologize for doing what I am supposed to do...--TBD

I had gotten out of the hospital and finally able to be at home. Dean had been coming over and talking to Elena and Ember. Seemed to avoid me, I was getting sick of it. I know we don't have an excellent relationship. I know that me being at Elena's wedding and not his had to have bothered him. I need to talk to him about it.

So, you should come over you're mums making something good...we need to talk....dad.
I sent him the note and waited.

I had gotten my father's letter and sighed.  I told Addie about it and I knew the look she gave me what I was going to be doing.  I gave her a kiss and I told her that she was more than welcome to come... but of course she thought it best if I go home alone.  I hugged her again and headed towards home.  I walked in and called out, "Hello?"  I figured that I would give Dad the opening he needed.

I heard Dean come in, I slowly made my way for the door. " Hey Dean.." I said as I went to the kitchen. I started the tea, " Have a seat?"

I walked to the kitchen with Dad and sat down, leaning back so I was balancing the chair on it's back two legs.  Mum told me Dad did that all the time... I couldn't help it.  It was just something I did.  I tapped my fingers on the table a little bit.  "Gotta love how tea is the answer to everything," I said, chuckling a little bit.  I loved that about our family... no one else seemed to understand it.  Hell, I didnt' understand it completely... but if it weren't for the tea sometimes I think I would probably go insane.  "So what's up, Dad?"  I focused on keeping my tone light and airy along with keeping my breathing steady and calm.  I had a feeling that this was going to get interesting and I did not want to start shouting or anything.  I needed to keep my temper in check.

I sat down on the other side of him. " Nothing really..." I said taking a sip, " It really is the answer to most questions....except I want to know why you're avoiding me.." I said looking right to his eyes. He was just like me and I know he wanted to get to the point.

I let the chair fall back onto all four legs and that thud seemed to be the only sound in the kitchen.  I hated how it seemed like my father's gaze was able to see right through me.  I licked my lips a little bit and sighed, running a hand through my hair.  "I'm not necessarily avoiding you," I said.  "Just the events that have passed are just fitting with the way everything is with us.  Any time we've gotten close... one of us gets hurt.  You ended up in a coma for Merlin's sake.  I'm not going to let that happen again.  I know that anything that happened after you got in a coma... I brought it all on.  It was my fault you were there... that you got caught in that situation and ended up in a coma.  I refuse to let that happen again."  There... I said it.  I was not about to let my dad do something like that again.  Not for me.

" Refuse to let it happen again? .." I looked at him and he seemed just as determined as I was. Smirking, " you realize it's my job to look out for you. It's what I do for everyone. I would not have it any other way." I said taking a sip from my tea. I put my tea down, " It was not your fault I was in the hospital. It was my own adult decision to go there and I knew what I was risking. I knew that I wasn't risking losing anyone. " I told him. It was my job I will not apologize for doing it when I was needed to. " You're my son...of course I am going to help any way I can. I refuse to let you think that any time we get close that something horrible happens. Dean...it's just once that something happened. " I said taking another sip running a hand through my hair. " You really think I wouldn't have come..or that you would have a choice in the matter of what I do for you." I shook my head, " Dean I am an adult capable of magic you have never heard of." I said to him. Trying to help him is what I am supposed to do.

With everything that had happened Dean seems to put all of the blame on himself. " You know that I would have done it anyway. I went and I knew what was at stake and knew I would rather be in the hospital than you. I wouldn't wish that on anyone Dean. Especially you. I refuse to let anyone hurt you, your mother or your sister." I said with a short laugh, " Dean, I know when you avoid someone and you are doing that to me. I don't want to lose you again towards something I would always do." I said I am really a stubborn arse.

<< These two crack me up!  They are soooo alike it's hilarious! >>

I kept my father's gaze and my hands were around the warm mug.  I tapped my finger against the side of the mug slightly, taking in everything he was saying.  I told myself I was not going to jump to rash conclusions or let my stubbornness get in the way.  Okay, that was Addison talking, but I told her I would listen to her advice.  To a point.  "I know it's what you do for everyone," I said to him.  I took a deep breath and shook my head slightly.  "That's just who you are.  I know that.  I also know the guilt I felt for nearly an entire year.  Dad, you almost died.  Twice.  Once in surgery and once in the room with everyone.  I made them let me go into the surgery with you..."  I chuckled a little bit.  "I was persuasive to say the least.  I nearly got you killed.  What I saw in Mum I never want to see again.  Ever.  I don't want to see Lenni like that, either.  I can't help but think that it was my fault you were there."  I sighed and took a sip of tea to try to collect my thoughts.

I looked down at my hands for a moment and when I looked back up at my dad, I had to blink back tears.  "Dad, I don't want to lose you... and I realized just how much I needed you around.  And I know this might make no sense to anyone but me... but I'd rather us be distant with each other and you be healthy and everything and you would always be there if I ever did need you rather than us being close for a short time and then me really lose you for real."  I looked back down at my hands because I was sure that it woudl elicit a smirk or something from Dad because he thought it was silly or something.  Hell, to me sometimes it sounded stupid... but I just could not get myself past the idea that I could lose him if we got close..  I did stupid shit.  I knew he would jump in and save my arse if need be and then we'd be back in St. Mungo's or worse...

Smiling, it was scaring me how much I saw me in my son. He sat in front of me pouring his heart out. " I'm glad I'm still useful. " I grinned, " I will always be there for you Dean..." I said as this seemed openly obvious. " I would rather us be close now..." I said to him as I took a sip from my tea. " To know that you think the closer we get something horrible happens to me. Dean, I am accident prone all by myself. You do not need to protect me.... I will not apologize for doing something I would do over and over. " I took a breath. " For you to feel guilt, that's normal but not by any means your fault. I did that on my own accord. Again, I would do it in a heart beat." Watching his reaction, " It must have been hard for a year...you want to know why I have felt horrible?" I asked him, not waiting for an answer " i wasn't able to be there for your wedding. To see the look I saw on your sisters. " I took a breath. " To know you need me means the world to me. " I said to him, " After I was accused of killing James and Lily, it broke my heart it completely tore my world apart and it was because of Peter who did it to me." I went on, he knew the story but I wanted to explain to him.

For him to really see why I put everyone before me. My family means, the world to me. " I would rather us be close and tag team the shit that comes our way." I said with a simply shrug and a bark of a laugh.

I could not help but chuckle a little bit and shook my head.  I took a drink of the tea and smiled at my dad.  "I think that I have finally come to terms with how Mum said we are so entirely similar," I said, looking at my dad.  I guess I had not really thought about how badly Dad felt about everything.  "Well, you got your payback with Peter... you're the one that killed him," I told him with a sigh.  I shook my head again.  "I guess Addie was right... Merlin, don't tell her that, I'd never live it down.  But I suppose I have been utterly dramatic or something," I said, feeling really stupid right now.

I gave a bark of a laugh, " You dreaded it, didn't you?" I asked him with a grin. Taking a sip, "Yeah, I did.....it sure as hell wasn't going to be you.." I said as I looked over to him. I hoped he knew how blunt I was being. I wasn't going to let anything happen to him in the first place. " Don't worry, Addison will never know."

I nodded at my dad.  I guess I did not realize how much I was trying to protect everyone in my family when sometimes it was nto really my job to do so.  "Yeah, I should have known you wouldn't let me get hurt.  Mum would kick your arse," I teased, smirking at him.  "Which one of you do I get all this stubborn, protectiveness from?  I swear if you say from both of you, then I feel extremely bad for my future kids and pretty much all of you.  No wonder I'm such a pain..."

Smirking, " She would kick my arse if I let you get hurt. Besides, it's not your job to worry about everyone. Remember to take a load off sometimes. Just completely let it out or it comes out in the worse way possible. " I told my son. " Hate to say it but both of us, your mother is the quiet sort of stubborn I am the hateful, spiteful kind of stubborn where if I don't want to do something and I do it. Bet yourself I will remember doing whatever it is. " I told him. I had to swallow my tea quickly as I coughed at my sons reaction.

I groaned and shook my head.  I knew that he was giong to say that.  Getting a little more serious in the conversation again, I looked at my dad.  "I don't think I even know ho to let things out completely or take a load off... or not to worry about protecting everyone at that matter," I said.  I always held things in when something happened -- I always felt like I had to be strong so everyone else could lean on me.  But then I never found anyone to lean on to keep myself from going insane.  I ended up doing something stupid -- such as getting hooked on drugs.

It did come easy for me because I was the rebel in my family. " I was the bad boy I guess you could say in my family. So it was easy for me sort of. Really, the only ones that saw me...where your uncles, then your mother....other than that I try to be as secretive as I can. I have to keep up a tough demeanor." I told him as I took another sip, " Makes things easier when you don't concern yourself rather than keep an eye on everyone else." I explained, I had a feeling I knew where Dean was coming from. " At first I didn't really get how to...it seemed like foreign territory for me. As time went on it became easier." I went on, " They don't really get easier in life...if it was easy....no one would get anywhere.."