It is dangerous to confuse vengeance with justice---TBD

I had to fight to keep from laughing.  Dean played around with what ifs all the time, too.  It must be a Black thing.  I finished taping my hands and joined in with a punching bag.  Even though I wasn't angry at the world or anything, it still felt really good to hit something.  "I believe that they are all soulless... and that let's them not care... have no regrets... and just be able to destroy any goodness they touch," I said, shaking my head.  What other reason could there be?  I had a hard time figuring out why people could do things like that and not care about the consequences or anything.  "Lenni... you can't be haunted by things that did not happen.  The what ifs are things that very easily could have happened -- but did not happen.  To dwell on them would just drive you insane.  Even though there were injuries... everyone made it out alright.  Just try to think of the positive aspect of what happened that night.  I know there isn't much... but the fact that everyone survived should definitely be at the top of that extremely short list."

I nodded, understanding what she meant, " I feel guilty that they had got me.." I hit the bag, " The feeling of safety I have to be with someone all the time knowing that I will be okay. Or I am just on edge. " I looked over to her," I know everyone made it out safe and I am so grateful for it. I just had the ebb of fear not knowing if it will happen again. Although, I get messages from George all the time when I am not near him. " I said with a smirk. It had been nice to know I was getting messages, he was worried to the point of showing up at the school to help me sleep. I looked to her, " I know to look at the positives and that night you're right it's hard to find the positives. " Smiling to her, " I just know with everything bad going on in the world. There is still light and it's worth fighting for." I said as I looked right to her, " I will make them pay for this." I told her, I will make them pay for giving me scars.

Letting out a deep breath, " I felt so bad with the what ifs....the what if now they target more people then they are and how to handle it." I said with a shrug. " Not knowing what they plan and why has me on edge. The shadows in the dark are a horrible sight for me. " I said as I started to hit the bag rapidly. " Knowing something could've happened to them...happened to Dean, or Fred or George and you or jada weren't there...if something happened to them...how would you guys forgive me?" I asked getting really upset having tears streaming down my face. " To know they got to me which is what they wanted...how they had done something similar to my mom...." I shuddered, I got angry. To know what they did to my mum when she was pregnant with my brother. Looking to her, " I don't sleep anymore Addie....any time I close my eyes I see myself on the wall....them talking and taking the knife to me..." I sat down on the floor, " I don't sleep...I know you and Dean are worried...and he can tell I don't sleep....anytime I do...I scream...I keep my dorm mates up..." I explained through my tears.

I was actually a little peeved that Dean did not tell me better than he had; I would have gone to help.  Probably because he did not want to worry about me, too.  The guys never gave us ladies enough credit when it came to defending ourselves sometimes.  Would I have blamed Elena if something worse had happened to Dean?  Heavens no.  "Lenni... you are family.  We would never have blamed you for anything," I assured her.  I had no idea what we would have done if we had lost either Fred or Dean or George... but there was no way we would blame Elena.  We would just go after the Death Eaters.  I was keeping up her as she punched the bag.  I stopped for a moment and wiped my forehead.  "You should just be glad that I came to find you instead of Dean.  He might not help as much as he think she would," I said, trying to lighten the situation at hand a little bit.  

I walked over and put an arm around Lenni as I sat down next to her.  "Lucy is in your dorm, right?  Is there any way that you think she might be able to help?" I asked, thinking that a friendly helping hand would always help.  "And Ginny.  They're both your family... perhaps letting all of this out whether it's doing it this way or letting it out in the manner of talking to them... I'm sure neither one would care if you had ot wake them in the middle of the night if necessary."  I wished that I were in the same house.  "And your brother is still here.  I know it's his last year and all and you may be judged... I know the only thing you ahve to do is say his name and he will be there for you.  I bet you he'd even stand guard for you if it'd help you sleep even if he's up all night."  I knew that even if Dean would deny it, his right hand and arm still bothered him.  I also knew that he could not change into his animagus form... he didn't know that I knew that, but I did.

I nodded, " Yeah, I don't want to keep anyone else because I am having nightmares..." I said as I avoided her gaze. " I know they would, hell George wants to come back here just to help me go to sleep. " I said with a smile. " I know you wouldn't have, I wouldn't be able to face you guys if something had happened."

I sighed, knowing that both of the Black children hated letting others help them in any way shape or form.  "Try not to worry any more about the what ifs... it didn't happen, so there's no need to worry about them.  Iknow, a hell of a lot easier said than done... especially when it comes to nightmares," I said, knowing she was probably going ot give me a look.  "Lenni... let them help you.  I think that George and Dean would be fantastic protectors if you felt frightened about sleeping and actually sleeping deep enough to rest rather than just a light doze because you want to be aware of everything in case something happened again.  But the girls would be great to talk to.  You know none of us will blame you for anything that you're feeling... I'm actually surprised you are at least appearing to take it as well as you are.  Though I know it's not the case," I told her.

Smiling, " Yeah it's hard but, I can't let it get me." I told her, I turned to her. " I refuse to let it bother me." I said as I smirked, " I mean anymore..." I said as I walked over to the treadmill. " Up for a run?" I asked as another treadmill appeared beside mine. I started at a jog, " You know I have never seen them all look so tough. Yet, broken or something. I didn't like it.." I paused as I continued my pace, " I don't want to see that look ever again."

I started to jog with her.  I would keep pace with her until she was finished.  I was not going to leave Elena alone... I was just glad that she was talking to someone about what was going on and even more happy that it was with me.  I was a little bit glad I did not know entirely what look she was talking about; I just saw remnants of it... not the entire thing.  "Lenni, I think the best thing for any of you is to talk to each other about what happened," I said slowly, as I thought about it.  They all were going through something and the best ones to talk to were each other.  They could all pull each other through it.  They were just all so damn stubborn about admitting that they were scared, hurting, and whatnot.  "Not necessarily as a big group... but talk to George and Dean and Fred.  I'm going to push Dean to talk to George and Fred.  I'm sure the twins have already been talking... but still.  To move past something, the air needs to be cleared up the best that it can be.  I just know how everyone is... you and Dean both kind of shut down when something happens and are reluctant to talk," I said, shaking my head.

The twins are talking about it, " The guys are talking about it....and yeah Dean and I tend to shut down...a lot." I said with a grin to her as we ran. IT hurt but it felt good to run out the frustrations. It made me hurt more but it was something better than nothing. Slowing my treadmill down I looked over to her as I turned it off and I got off. I sat down on the edge, my eyes tearing up. " Addie....they wanted me to not feel safe anywhere. Doing anything, I don't know why nor do I want to know. " I said with a shudder. " They got into George's house when we were sleeping....why the hell would they do that?" I asked her. Not really expecting her to really have an answer. I wiped my forehead with my towel. Looking to her, " I think you're right." I said gathering my things into my bag. " I'll go talk to Dean" I said as I threw my bag on.

I slowed to a stop and wiped my forehead off. I was really glad that I was pushing her and Dean to open up to at least each other about this. Maybe she could help him with his whole animagus issue or something. I had no idea as to why he would not be able to transform. I smiled at her. "Last I knew he was in his favorite retreat -- Astronomy Tower," I informed Lenni. He always snuck up there when he was stressed, worried, lonely, everything. The only time I did not see him retreat up there was when he was doing drugs... and that was part of the reason I knew he was doing alright right now and not falling back to his scapegoat.

I grinned to her, " Very Dean-esque." I said as I was happy he was there and not anywhere else. Somewhere else then we may have to double check on where he is. I adjusted my bag as I left her there before leaving, " Addie....thanks." I said as I gave a small smile.

I was staring off across the grounds. I did not care if I was cold or tired or hurting. For some reason this was the only.place I could go and feel like I was in control.of something and clear my head. I was having a hard time sleeping, seeing what had happened to my sister every time I tried to sleep. My pain that I was feeling was nothing compared to how I felt that night. I had a feeling that was how Elena felt when she found me after overdosing. Completely helpless....

Found him, he was very predictable. Hitting the wall slightly, " You know you are predictable ...and I mean very predictable." I said as I walked over and sat down beside him. " How are you doing?" I asked him lightly as I leaned on his shoulder. The odd moments like these me and Dean could actually be siblings and talk to each other. " Can't sleep either?"

I rested my cheek on her head. "I'm a creature of habit," I said trying to chuckle slightly. "And how could you tell? You look like hell, by the way," I added. I was worried about my baby sister. She needed rest to help recuperate and heal. She was far worse compared to me or the twins.

I smiled lightly, " I don't sleep anymore...." I said quietly. I felt as though every time I would try to I see the what ifs. " Dean...if something happened to you or to the twins I would never forgive myself. My brain knows it sadly. I can't see the look I saw on all three of your faces ever again..." I said while letting myself look into the grounds to really help myself open up. Grinning, " Thanks bro..." I said while I gave him a light nudge. Looking to him seeing the look, I sighed. " I see it happen when I try to sleep....all of it. What happened then the what ifs follow. It just seems they were bored or something...why would I be a target?" I asked him. I wanted to know why I had been grabbed out of someones home. " How am I on the radar....dean he told me I looked like mom....and had better legs..." I said letting my tears fall. This other than the time with George I hadn't really let myself feel anything other than anger. " Why.....I will make those bastards pay......for what they did to me and you guys and for what they did to mum....." I said hoping he knew I meant it.

I was not going to take this lightly. " I have been doing everything possible to not think about it. Or I just get to the point of exhaustion. " I explained to him. " Every time though I wake up no matter what. I wake up sweating and crying...or I wake the girls up by screaming...nothing is working..."

I clenched my jaw when Elena started talking about that night... the night I think all of us would rather forget about.  If only that were possible.  I kissed the top of her head and wrapped my arm around her comfortingly.  "Lenni, I don't ever want to see you look the way you did then, either.  I did not think that I would ever see you or the twins look the way any of you did that night."  I took a deep breath and moved my hand up and down on Lenni's arm to be as comforting as possible.  I have not admitted any of my feelings that night to anyone - not even Addison.  "Lenni, I don't think I have ever been so scared in my life.  But it was not for me... obviously it was for you.  I would have died and not cared if you would have gotten out of there alive.  I would lay my life down for you," I said, knowing that was not what she wanted to hear, but something I wanted her to know.  "The only way you will be able to sleep, I think, is to let yourself be able to trust that you will be safe.  I know that is probably impossible to do... but why don't I stay with you?  I won't sleep the entire night so you can rest.  You need it more than I do."  Of course I was lying.  I needed time to heal myself, too.  I needed to do something about my physical pain as much as the emotional, too.  But I was not worried about me right now; Elena needed more help than I.  I looked down at her, hoping she would take me up on my offer.