You see, I've always been a fighter, but without you I give up -- August 1998

Elena and George's wedding was only a month off now... and everything was wearing on me.  I knew that James and Dean tried their best to keep my mind busy, but up until about a month or so ago, all the Healers were starting to talk to me about the options.  They must have gotten the picture because they stopped talking to me about it.  But I was wearing thin with everything and I wanted my husband back.  I held his hand and pushed my hair away from my eyes.  "Honey, I have no idea how I am going to keep doing this without you," I said quietly, looking into my husband's face.  He at least looked so calm... though I doubted he could hear a word I was saying.  My hope that I had told James about... well, that was starting to diminish quickly.  What else was I going to be going off of?  I sighed and blinked back some tears.  "Your daughter is going to look stunning, though.  Maybe it's a good thing you're not here to see how grown up she is -- I'm pretty sure you'd have some issues with that," I added, trying to chuckle and trying to keep myself upbeat about everything.

I sighed and took a deep breath.  I told myself that I would not start crying or anything this time around.  There was no point in having tears or anything like that.  It wasn't like he would be able to stop them anyways.  I wanted to do something... I wish I could do something for him, but I couldn't.  I was completely helpless right now with everything.  It was a horrible feeling.  What was I going to do?  At least the Healers stopped badgering me about the damn options.  I wonder if it was me or one of hte kids who finally got into their heads that we were not going to be doing something like that.  "Our kids are growing up so fast... I really don't want you to miss anything else," I told him.  I felt so badly for his and Dean's relationship... I knew that Dean was having a hard time with everything.  he just wouldn't admit how much.  "Honey, you know Dean is tough; he won't hold it against you if you woke up for his sister's wedding.  Dean just feels so bad that you ended up like this because of him.  I know there's more, but Dean doesn't like talking about this really.  He has talked to James a little bit since it's happened; Remus talked to him.  But Dean doesn't like talking about what happened with you with me.  I think his main focus is keeping my mind off of everything."  I sighed again and readjusted myself.

"Lenni misses you so much, babe.  One might say she misses you nearly as much as I do, but that's because I dont' let everyone see how much I actually miss you," I told him, squeezing his hand.  "But she really would like to see you awake again, too.  She will forgive her daddy for not walking her down the aisle.  She just wants you to wake up, honey.  She just wants you to be here with us mentally and not just physically."  Yes, I was purposely not talking about myself right now.  If I admitted out loud how much I missed him and what my mind was telling me compared to my heart, well, it wouldn't end well for me.  I sighed and said, "Lenni at least talks to me about it.  She loves you so much.  You have no idea how much she loves you.  It's been hard to get this wedding planned without you.  But she's managing; not letting it get her down with her big day looming closer."

I heard my wife speaking how badly I just wanted to sit up and hold her tightly to let her know I can hear her words. I was sworn to make my appearance at Lenni's wedding. I know Dean felt bad about me waking up after his wedding but there was nothing I could do about timing. I had to give her something, it was killing me to just lay there while she speak. I squeezed the hand that held so tightly to mine.

I stopped speaking; I thought that I felt something.  I looked at Sirius and tried to read if I saw something different on his face.  I did not see anything different.  I felt my heart start pounding in my chest.  I leaned forward and wondered if I was crazy.  "Baby?" I whispered.  Had I really felt him squeeze my hand?  "I swear... if you are really in there right now... honey, I need you.  I miss you.  I love you so much... please... you have to come back to me," I said.

I made my breathing get deeper as if I was coming back from something. I had been given tips by the Healers as to how to keep our surprise for everyone a surprise but so I could give some hints. I squeezed her hand again. She stopped speaking when I did it the first time.

I had tears in my eyes and I stopped talking.  I held his hand tightly and was not about to let go.  I blinked back the tears; should I get the healers?  But I did not want to leave in case something else happened.  I didn't want Sirius to be alone.  I leaned forward and gave him a kiss on the lips lightly.  I left my forehead leaning against his and did not move.  "I love you, sweetie," I whispered.  I was not about to leave him right now.

I wanted to let her know that I am in here. I am here, I just need to keep this a surprise. Her voice and words, from the way the healers were speaking it was as if she had told them all where to go. Which is something I completely understand I would do the exact same thing. My heart was aching to tell her. I am so close to opening my eyes for her. It would ruin the surprise, hm maybe I could flutter my eye lashes or something.

I leaned back in the chair, not letting go of his hand.  "Well... I suppose I should get on with my normal routine when I come and visit you, hmm?" I said, pulling the Prophet out of my bag.  I always read the news to him as if he could hear me, but only the good stories.  And that was exactly what i started to do.