I'm just trying to keep it together -- August 1997

I smiled and shook my head. He reminded me so much of his father, being able to tell what I was thinking without having to pry. I had to think of Dean not as his father, but as his own person. I wondered if Sirius was able to do that with Harry or if I was the only one. I hadn't met Will yet, but I was sure that he was the spitting image of Remus as well. Jetty looked remarkably more like his mother than father -- which I suppose was a good thing for him. "Thanks for that, Dean," I said to him.

I smiled at my godfather.  "So how did things used to be?" I asked.  I wished that I would ask so many things that I wanted to know now.  I had ignored my father so much when I was younger... now I just wished I could talk to him one more time and see his smiling face and hear his reassuring voice.  I wanted to hear about the good old days... when things used to be happy and stuff.  Before everything got complicated.  If that were ever the case.

I raised my eyebrows at him when he asked. "Well... what all do you want to know?" I asked. I wasn't exactly sure what he expected me to say it was like. It was great, but every now and then ther ewere rought days... I remembered quite a few off the top of my head.

I sighed.  "I honestly don't really know... how was Dad when they found out about me?" I asked.  I mean... I should have asked Dad this when I had found out about Addie being pregnant... but I was so involved with Addison that I never thought to ask.  Was he happy with the thought of having me?  And then look how I turned out... I had nearly hated him my entire childhood.  When I finally got a good relationship with him, this happens.  It was eating me alive... having this happen.  It was my fault.  I shoul dhave been faster... I should have been a better son in general.

I grinned at that particular memory. "He was ecstatic," I told my nephew. "I mean... he already started getting things around for a nursery. The night they told us didn't end that well... long story with Peter and such." I shook my head remembering that night. "We all thought we were going to lose you and your mum."

I raised my eyebrows.  "Oh really?  What happened?"  I hadn't heard this story... I just knew that Mum did seem a little overprotective at times.  Perhaps this would be why...

Where to start? I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. And I told the story -- shortened and with some details missing -- to Dean. "You had suffered through the crutatious curse and who knows what else. And to top it all off, you ended up being born early, too. You weren't supposed to be due until a few months before Harry, actually. You had to go through a lot to get to being healthy and stuff. Naturally, we're all glad that you pulled through." I smiled at my nephew. I saw something off in his eyes. "What's wrong?" I asked, unable to tell what it was that I was seeing.

Hmm... so that's what was wrong with me.  People always joked that something was loose up there, maybe they were right after all.  But after everything my parents went through to have their first baby... and they end up with me.  Lenni would have been the best first child for them -- especially with going through all of that.  Instead they wound up with an ungrateful son who made it practically his life mission to hate his father and to drive his mother crazy.  To argue constantly... I mean, yeah, there were those times that I behaved and we had nice moments, but a lot of the time I ended up at Uncle Remus's house to stay with them.  I wanted them to be my family, not the family I was in.  I looked at Uncle James, pained.  "I don't deserve them," I said after a long silence when he asked me what was wrong.  I didn't deserve parents like Mum and Dad... they were great.  I loved them to death now.  But I didn't deserve them at all.  Not with the way that I treated them.

I had been so strong for long.  Since we saved Uncle James and Aunt Lily... since my dad finally became stable again.  I hadn't cried about anything since during surgery.  I had to be strong for Mum and Lenni.  And then I realize that I wish I could turn back time to keep from having all of the arguments and stuff for what my parents did to keep me alive?  I had to sit down -- which I did.  I sat with my knees bent and my elbows against my thighs, running a hand through my hair.  I wasn't going to break down now... I needed ot pull myself together.  There was no reason to break down.  I felt myself start breathing a little heavier and I wasn't going to have that.

I wasn't entirely sure what was happening, but I figured it was finally the breakdown that Dean had been resisting to have since everything had happened. Ember and I spoke about him... and I knew she was worried. I sat next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Dean... just breathe," I said to him in a soothing voice. "And of course you deserve your parents! Dean, they love you. Unconditionally. They don't care how you treated them in the past... it's the fact that your relationship is what it is today. I don't think they'd have it any other way..."

With Uncle James telling me mto breathe, I was able to keep myself under control.  I looked over at him.  "Thanks," I muttered, feeling like an idiot.  "That's easy to say with Mum... she's here.  I can keep building my relationship with her to be better than it ever has been... but Dad's... I just don't think that he ever really knew.  It's not like I talked to him like that about loving him and stuff."  It was hard... I talked aabout loving Addison and whatnot... but why couldn't I just say a quick 'love you dad' when I stopped talkign or something?

I sighed and looked from dean to the lake. "Just because you didn't say it doesn't mean he didn't know it," I said. I turned to face my nephew again. "I don't think I ever really told my dad that I loved him until he was there in the hospital and I knew the end was near. But I know that he knew. Granted, when I was young I told him all the time. When you get older, you tend not to say thing slike that in fear of it not looking cool or whatever. Despite never saying it, I don't doubt that he ever knew how much I loved him. And that's the same with Sirius, okay?" I wanted him to not beat himself up about it.

I shrugged.  I suppose that Uncle James was probably right.  "Yeah... alright,' I said, reluctantly agreeing with him.  I suppose I couldn't stay mopey about it forever anyways.  "How has it been, being on the outside?" I questioned.  It had to be hard on him... all of the changes and stuff.  I was used to it... but to go from one way of living to a completely different way without the steps in between had to be difficult.