I'm just trying to keep it together -- August 1997

I was out on the dock of the pond that used to once belong to Remus's father who had passed a few years back now.  This was a place all of us used to come to at one point or another -- between the Marauders and the next generation.  I wanted to stay at the hospital... I wanted to be strong.  But I had never seen someone with a broken heart before... and that's the way Mum looked.  I thought that Addie and I had broken each others' hearts... it was nothing compared to this.  It made me afraid of ever losing Addison -- for real, not just a breakup.  I knew I would end up like Mum... she hasn't lost him yet though.  And I say yet because I was trying to be realistic.  I was talking with Healers about everything.  All the options.  I was taking care of everything so mum and Lenni didn't have to.  And it all was weighing on me.  I wasn't about to break down, though.  I had to keep it all together so that way everyone else had someone to look to.  I would be the steady rock for them all right now.  It's what Dad would have done.  It was a hot day... I stood by the waters edge in just holey jeans and nothing else, letting the water lap up to my ankles.  I didn't care that the bottom part of my jeans were getting soaked.  I didnt' care if I was going to be burnt by the sun.  I just wanted to stand there and try to shut my brain down for just a little bit... I needed to just stop thinking.

I wanted to clear my head.  I haven't seen the sunlight for so long that all I wanted to do was soak it in.  I had to go to where we all used to love hanging out at this time of year.  I knew everyone was at St. Mungo's with padfoot, giving me the time I needed to clear my head.  I was worried about Ember... I had never seen her like this.  Maybe she looked like this when Lily and I supposedly died, but I didn't know.  I had been spending as much time as I could with LIly and Harry... and th rest of my family.  I couldn't get enough of them.  I had been separated from them for far too long.  But for some reason, I had a feeling to go to the lake and just be there.  When I showed up, I had a pretty good feeling I knew why I was supposed to be there:  Dean.  He was just standing there, feet in the water, staring across the shore.  I had no relationship with my godson, but I felt like there was a reason I was to be there.  Maybe he would open up.  he seemed to be in shock or something; I hadn't seen any emotion from him since we brought Sirius in.  That's not normal for any person.  I walked up beside him, having gotten barefoot myself, and let the water wash over my feet.  I didn't say anything at first... the wrost case scenario was that Dean would ignore me or ask me to leave.  Best case scenario was that he'd open up to me or something.

I glanced over and saw my uncle standing next to me.  He looked completely different having cleaned up from the night we rescued him.  I had really hoped that I would be here by myself, but maybe htis was a good thing.  Who knows?  "I'm glad you guys are okay," I said quietly.  I hated how that night ended for Dad, but I knew he would be happy to know that James and Lily were okay and reunited with Harry.  And I knew that Harry was ecstatic about having his parents back... I was sure he was away from the Dursleys and with his parents now.  I felt like a horrible friend; I haven't even asked him.

Dean sounded so tired... and his voice seemed hollow.  I imagine that was how I had sounded just a few weeks back.  He hasn't lost his dad yet... I wish I could give him some sort of hope, but I know that look.  There's no suggesting hope to someone who had that look in their eyes.  I did want some answers... but would it be harsh of me to ask them of Dean?  With Harry I was concerned with catching up on his sixteen years of life we missed.  I was so proud of my boy!  The youngest seeker ever on a school Quidditch team!  It didn't surprise me that Snape gave him trouble... he was my son after all.  I looked over at Dean again.  "How'd you find you we were alive?" I asked him quietly.

"Jetty told me so," I said.  Then I wondered if he even knew who Jetty was.  "Well, Dad had said he was innocent... I didn't know what ot think.  so I found the map from the Weasley twins -- one of whom is Elena's fiancee -- and saw that Peter was still alive.  He was Ron Weasley -- who is Harry's best friend and is also one of mine -- pet rat.  I couldn't believe it.  I confronted Jetty and he, naturally, tried to defend his father."  I sighed and ran my hand through my hair.  "Jetty is nothing like his dad... he tried to give Peter a chance.  But then he came to me and we concocted the rescue mission."  I let my head hang.  "He was suposed to tell us if Peter got away... though it was obvious his own father turned on him.  So Jetty messaged Dad... and you know what happened from there."  I kenw I didn't get into all the details that Uncle James probably wanted... but i just couldn't.

I didn't say anything for a little while.  I didn't feel like I had the right to go all parental on Dean or anything, but I felt like someone should and Ember was in no state for anything.  "Dean, are you alright?" I asked.  I knew it was a stupid question, but it might start up something that I wouldn't otherwise known to check.  I had only known my nephew as a young kid and then just a few weeks now as an adult.  Clearly I would have no idea how to talk tohim that well to get him to open up.

I hated when people constantly asked me that these days.  I didn't want to lie to them... but there really wasn't much for me to say either.  So I always stuck with the normal yeah everything's fine.  I glanced over at my uncle and sighed.  "Did mum send you to check up on me?" I asked him, figuring that was why he was here.  Remus had to be busy with other things... or she would have thought that that would have been extremely obvious to send REmus.

I rolled my eyes at my nephew.  "No, your mother did not send me," I answered.  "To be honest, I figured this spot would be empty.  I had always enjoyed coming here to do some thinking when I was your age.  Apparently that has been passed down to your generation as well."  I kind of liked the fact that there was a new set of youngsters to kee everyone at Hogwarts busy.  And from what I could tell from Remus, they sure did keep him busy.  He was like the ultimate dad there... keeping all of our kids in line.  I found it entertaining to say teh least.

I felt kind of bad for assuming that my mum was checking up on me.  "You know I am glad that you guys made it out okay, right?" I asked.  I knew I wasn't acting like I cared or anything... and I felt bad about it.  But I was just so worried about Dad.

I put a hand on Dean's shoulder.  "I know, kid," I assured him.  "It's just been hard... I understand that completely."  I sighed and let my hand drop and slid them in my pockets.  "How about we try to think of something besides the sadness?  It's what helped kee me sane throughout the years... Remus tells me that you kids are the ones making his hair gray.  Care to share any of those stories?"  I wanted to try to bond wiht my nephew.  He had helped save us after all.

A grin spread across my face slowly.  "Well... it was mostly Elena getting into fights," I said, automatically blaming my sister.  I chuckled a little bit and shook my head.  "Nah, I think we all do a pretty good job at keeping him busy.  He gives us a hard time, but I know he enjoys it.  We give him hell... though if we ever need to talk or something, Remus is right there to talk to.  I know he loves that.  I just... I just feel guilty," I said all of a sudden.  "Before my dad and I were on good terms again... I had wished that Remus were my dad.  I looked up to him like a kid looked up to his father... and for a long time, I barely wanted to even look at my father in general.  And now look... he's in St. Mungos' in a coma.  And he did that because my life was in danger... he did that to save me.  I can't even wake him up..."  I clenched my jaw to try to regain control of my emotions like I have been.  I didn't want to get into this with Uncle James... I mean, there was no point.  What was done, was done.

I put my hand on Dean's shoulder.  "Don't be too hard on yourself... you two were on good terms when this happened," I told him.  At least that's what it sounded like.  "Just know that your dad knows that.  And he wouldn't want you to be feeling guilty.  He's a tough guy... he probably already knew how you felt about Remus and loves you anyways.  Because that's what us parents do."  I felt horrible for Dean.  There wasn't much I could say... or do for him, really.

I looked at Uncle James.  "You think he already knew?" I asked.  I was sure that James was just tryng to make me feel better, and it was working a little bit.  Even if we were just pretending... that never hurt anyone in the past.

I squeezed his shoulder and smiled a little at my godson.  "Of course," I assured him.  "Parents have a tendency to know more than what you think they know."  I sighed.  I just wish I could get all of those years that I missed back of Harry.  It seems odd for me to talk about being a parent when I barely had the chance to be one.  But I was also basing it off of what my parents always did... Dad had known everything.  I swear he did.

I grinned a little bit.  That was definitely true.  I already knew that.  "You know... Harry loves you guys more than you may realize.  I know that you'll be able to build that relationship with him," I assured my uncle quietly.  "You may not be able to tell him to do certain things, but I know that you'll still have a great bond with him.