Apologies -- November 1979

I had known how stupid I was and how hurt Ember probably was, and Lily had made sure I definitely knew all of those things.  I wanted to make things right before the funeral.  I knew it was early... and I was sure she would hate me for coming right before the funeral, but I couldn't bring myself to even be in her presence until now.  I was so ashamed of my behavior that I didn't want to see the look in her eyes when she laid eyes on me.  I didn't bother knocking when I saw lights on.  "Em?  Can we talk a minute?" I called out, hoping she would at least give me that.  I wasn't used to my sister completely ignoring me like this.  It had only been a few days, but still.  It felt like a lifetime especially with what was going on.  I needed her during this time and I knew she needed me.  Or at least I hoped she did.

I pulled my jacket on and had started buttoning it when I heard James downstairs. I buttoned it the best I could over my pregnant belly and pulled my hair from underneath the collar. He could wait until I was ready. I looked at myself in teh mirror and realized how exhausted I looked. I felt so bad for Sirius... I knew every time I went to try to sleep I was restless and teary. I wasn't sure if he looked much better to be honest. My father was practically his, too, as odd as that sounded. I sighed and muttered to myself, "May as well get this over with," as I left my bedroom and went downstairs to where I saw James standing awkwardly in the foyer, unsure of where he should go.

I crossed my arms and looked at him. "What do you want?" I asked, not bothering to hide the emotion in my voice. Today was not the day to be dealing with his shit. I was so hurt and so appalled by him right now, I could barely stand to look at him. James and I had had our ups and downs... but I would never have expected him to act the way he had acted.

This was going to be a lot harder than I expected. I at least expected to see some resemblance of my sister under the cold stare, but I didn't. I didn't know what to say that would make up for what I said a few days ago. So I went up to her and wrapped my arms around her, and despite me wanting to be strong to get through this, I started to weep. "Ember... so sorry," was all I was able to get out through my tears. Much to my dismay, Ember shrugged out of my arms and stepped away from me, though I saw tears in her eyes. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself al ittle bit. "Emmy?" I asked, using our childhood nickname.

I glared at James through my tears. "Don't even," I warned, turning from him. I turned back around and I couldn't help it, I let him have it. "James! I lost a father that day, I wasn't expecting to lose my brother, too. How dar eyou think that I did that on purpose! I didn't even have time to comprehend what was going on, let alone come get you. I didn't know that would be his last words. If you had been listening, you would've heard me tell Sirius that I wish you were there. That I felt guilty that you weren't. But you only heard what you wanted to... and now look what you've done!" The tears were rolling down my face. I didn't even bother wiping them away. "You broke my heart, James. I always thought you would be there for me. I was worried about you. I wanted to check on you. And then you pull that bullshit? Some brother."

Okay, I had deserved that. I Just let her vent. "Ember... I know... I was horrible. But I'm here to apologize. I don't know what got into me. Something just... broke. I don't know how to explain it. But please, Ember, I need you. Don't push me away," I said, reaching towards her.

I had been in the study hearing raised voices so I tried to ignore it because I knew exactly who it was. They need to have time on their own. I pulled out a book and waited for a cue.

I backed away from him hand. I really didn't want to be cruel to him. I didn't want to lose him. But today I needed to be able to grieve my loss, not to deal with this stupid bull. "James, today all I want to do is try to say goodbye to the first man I loved," I said, my voice almost getting caught in my throat. "So please... just go."

I sighed. "Ember...I can't just leave you alone," I said. Then I realized how stupid that sounded; she had Sirius. But still... she was my sister. If I wasn't to be with her on this day, it would make me think she was alone all because of my stupidity.

"I'm not alone," I told him. "I have Sirius. And you have Lily. I just can't talk to you righ tnow... I will eventually, but not today. Please, James... just listen. Leave," I said, not liking how it sounded like I was pleading with him.