Not Much Time -- November 1979

I was just in shock. "What am I going to do?" I said aloud. I didn't mean it as a question... but that's the way it sort of came out. my tears seemed to subside for the moment as I stared in disbelief as the Healers eased us away from his body so they could do their job. I stood and followed to keep my father in my sight, holding Lily's hand as I probably drug her along. I wasn't sure if she had been expecting that or not. I saw Moony with Mum... which was good. I would be no good for her right now. "Lily..." I said in a whimpering voice as they had finally gotten my father through a set of doors where I could no longer see him.

" im right here babe." I said as my voice was cracking. I squeezed his hand as I wrapped myself around him. " im right here...im not going anywhere. " I repeated, my poor husband and sister in law.. We had lost such an amazing man. " im right here." I squeezed him as though that's all I can dom

"Where are they taking him? Is he okay? What's going on?" I fired off the questions. Not like any of them were going ot know the answers. I looked at Lily. "I need to go find him... he can't be alone," I said, sure that I sounded like a mad-man. He was gone... we knew that. But he couldn't be alone in this dingy place... I didn't want him to be alone...

Mrs. Potter was in a chair and I looked at James. I haven't seen him looking like this since the girls had been attacked at school. And even then... he hadn't looked so helpless. "James, they took his body to the morgue. That way while arrangements are made, he can stay... safe," I said, trying to explain it in a manner that would be easiest to hear. Before they took the body they had talked to Mrs. P and I. I wasn't sure if she understood everything, but I paid attention so that I could relay it back to everyone. "He's going to be safe there, Prongs," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder to try to get through to him. He was kind of freaking me out.

I just sort of stood there like a lost puppy. What was I going to do? I needed something... anything. Someone needed to give me a task. I couldn't just stand here and be helpless... do nothing. I was a man of action. "What needs done? I need to do it... Moony, you have a list or something...? I mean... I guess if he's safe then we have to do something instead of standing here... I mean... c'mon, guys, arent' I right?" I asked, though not really caring about an answer.

I heard all the noise outside of the room.  I stood up and realized how shaky I was.  I looked at Sirius.  "He got to feel the baby kick," I said quietly, unsure if I wanted to go into the hallway.  "And he whispered 'Love you baby girl'... that's what he always called me... I feel guilty that James wasn't in here, too..."  I knew that was probably crazy.  But I couldn't help but feel guilty that Daddy was able to say goodbye to me but not James.

I nodded slowly as I hugged her tightly, we just lost a great man who took me into his house as his second son. I took a breath, " That's good he felt the baby..." I said with a small smile. I mean take the small victory he got to know that his grandchild was okay.

I wasn't sure if I could even look at my mum. I mean, I knew she had to be hurting so much, too, but I knew I couldn't be there for her and I didn't want to disappoint her. "I... Ember," I said, not sure what I was going to do about her either. But I guess being the man of the family I should start pulling myself together. I cleared my throat and was surprised by how strong my voice sounded when I spoke next. "Alright... there's no reason to start a panic," I told them as if it had been them and not me panicking. "Lily or Remus -- I don't care who -- will you please take Mum either home or to my house, whichever she feels most comfortable. And then the other one, will need to figure out different places we can start to get the memorial going. I'm going to check on Ember, though I'm sure Sirius -- is he even here?" I questioned, realized I didn't even notice who came to be with us during this time. When Lily and Remus both nodded, I continued "Well... I'm still going to check on her. I'll find a job for Sirius, too." I kissed Lily and nodded at Remus, then I kissed my mum, and headed back to the room.

This couldn't be good. I saw James just totally shut down just now. But I wasn't going to press the matter just now... I did agree with hiim that his mum needed to get somewhere other than here. I just sighed and looked at Mrs. P. "Where would you be most comfortable, Mrs Potter?" I asked softly, a hand on her shoulder.

Surprisingly, she had said just home. I looked at Lily and pulled her aside, "You watch him. Let me know if you need anything else, I'll take Mrs. P home... I'll stay there for a little while to make sure she's okay, too. I'll let you know if there are any changes on my end. If you need me to handle James or anything, just don't hesitate. I've never seen him like this..." I looked after James who was hesitating outside of the doorway.

I leaned into Sirius, comforted by his warmth, when I saw James in the doorway. He looked... weird. It didnt' look as if he was sad or angry or anything. He just looked off somehow. "James, you should be with Lily," I said, thinking that it would help him in his grief. He shouldn't really be alone right now... what were the others thinking?

I couldn't believe that Dad woke up -- even for a little bit -- and Ember didn't even try to call for me. He had been able to talk to her... to say goodbye. I felt angry. At my sister. She got to say goodbye. I didn't. I wouldn't be able to. She had her moment... why didn't she call out for me? No... I had to be in teh hallway. I had to be outside and I didnt' even get notified! I just felt it in my gut that something had happened and I ran down to make sure she was okay along with our father. And look where it had gotten me? I felt like my sister had stabbed me in the back. I knew I was being irrational, but I didn't really care right then. "I can't believe you. You got to say goodbye and didnt' even think of calling me or mum in here?" I asked, hearing how harsh my voice sounded. "You know what... save it,," I spat, when I saw that she was about to talk. I couldn't look at Sirius, because I was sure he would say something. I knew I was being harsh. I knew that I probably shouldn't react like this. But I couldn't help it.

"I'm done with you," I told my sister, hoping that my mum was gone so she couldn't see me acting this way. "Just... stay away from me. I don't even want to talk to you or to see you right now. I can't believe you did that." And with that, I turned around and stormed away. I didn't see Remus or my mum, so hopefully they had left. My ears were ringing with my anger and I wasn't sure if Ember or Sirius had even said anythign to me before I turned around. I couldn't look at Lily. I was already feeling guilty about what I said to my sister. But it was as if she was bragging that she got to say goodbye. What was all of that about? I couldn't believe her!

I gasped when he started shouting.  I was glad that Sirius had his arms around me.  I just stared at him when he stormed out, the tears falling down my cheeks.  "James..." I tried to say to stop him, but I kne that he would not stop even if he had heard me.  I looked up at Sirius.  "I-I'm okay... g-go talk to him," I said, trying to keep from sobbing like crazy at the newly found emotion.

I stayed silent, letting the tears fall.  I did not care.  That was my dad and my first best mate in there!  Who just died!  Without me by his side... Ems... she was adopted and she got to be there.  It was not fair.  I felt the horrible guilt in my stomach for what I was thinking and what I had said, but I wanted to push it aside.  Being angry was better than feeling the hole in my heart that was the loss of my dad.

"Mum... I know... but... I should have been in there.  She could have called..." I said quietly.

I nodded at her, " I'll be right back.." I said to her quietly. I've never really wanted to get angry at prongs like I do right now. He has a supportive family and this is how you're going to talk to the ones you have left? I needed to see him, I know he has to be hurting. I went and found him and Mrs. P talking. I slowly walked towards the two of them.