Show me a smile then; don't be unhappy, can't remember when I last saw you laughing -- Spring 1976

It was obvious something major happened at the Black household over the Christmas holiday; everyone noticed the hatred between Sirius and the rest of them.  I was sure I was one of hte few who realized that Regulus's was not hatred, but disappointment and sadness and probably betrayal.  I, of course, knew that Sirius ran away.  I was working on some homework in the common room as to not get distracted when I did just that:  Regulus walked out of the boys' dormitory wearing just a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt, black shoes on his feet, and his shaggy hair was a mess.  I felt bad for him.  I set my quill down and stood up, stopping him from going outside.

"Hey, Reg," I said to him, waiting until he stopped.  "You wanna talk about it?" He knew that I was mates with Ember and that I knew what happened.  That made him avoid me like the plague.  He probably thought I was on their side or something.

I felt like I had been betrayed by Sirius when he left.  I knew I was not the perfect brother, but still.  How could he leave me at home alone?  With only our parents and Bella and the other cousins... I knew that was a good thing for Sirius to escape, but what about me?  With my brother gone... I had to take the brunt of everything now.  I had to live up to the idealistic expectations that Mother and father had for me.  I was already being taken in by Bellatrix more than ever before.  I looked at October and shrugged, my hands in my pockets.

"Why do I even need to talk about anything?" I asked.

Why were boys so against talking about things?  I sighed and looked at him.  "Because I know that you actually liked your brother even if you pretend you don't," I whispered to him.  It was sad that I had to whisper that, but I did not want his cousins to overhear anything because I knew they would end up doing something to him.

"Like any of that matters?  He left me.  Clearly he doesn't care anymore so why should I?" I snapped at her.  I realized that I had said more about the entire situation than I meant to in merely three sentences.  October could read between the lines.  I just felt like Sirius leaving was abandoning all hope.  Things had already begun to unravel and what else was I supposed to do?  Apparently I was a lost cause according to Sirius.

It broke my heart to hear Regulus speak of his brother that way when I knew how painful it must be to do so.  I put a hand on Reg's arm, knowing that he would not pull away from me.  "Reg... he didn't leave you," I said to him quietly, "he left for every other reason.  I'm sure he knows the things you've done for Ember and for Remus -- yes, I am aware of those things merely because of my best mate."  I did not want him to worry that things got out in the wrong hands.

I dropped my hand and sighed.  "Have you spoken to Sirius about anything?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

I swallowed and stared at Tobi.  "I haven't spoken to Sirius since he left," I said to her simply.  What was the point?  "I told him to go," I added.  I found a chair and nearly collapsed into it, putting my face into my hands.  "He asked me to come with him the same time I told him to leave.  I made sure he could leave without Mum or Dad stopping him."  I helped my brother run away from me.  How could I have done that?  I knew that I was not ever going to fit in if I had left with him.  I did my share of helpful deeds for him and his mates whether they realized it or not, but I was no Gryffindor.

I was rather surprised when Regulus said that.  Ember had not heard that part or at least she did not tell me, anyways.  I pushed some of my blonde hair behind my ear.  "That had to have been hard," I said to him quietly.  "Why didn't you leave with him?"  I looked up at Regulus's dark eyes and could see a lot of different emotions in them.

I looked at October and felt extremely vulnerable.  I took a deep breath.  "Like I would fit in anywhere else?" I questioned sadly.  I shook my head and sighed.  "I'm just going to have to deal with the hand I was dealt and the same with Sirius."