There's an emptiness in my heart -- September 2003

I had just gotten released from St. Mungo's.  I still was not the same.  I had been four months pregnant and my body miscarried the baby.  Ayden had to get back to work, though he had been off the week with me while I was in St. Mungo's.  I had a three year old to make sure was okay.  I was grateful that he went down for his nap easily today.  I did not have the energy to deal with  crankiness from Leopold.  I laid down on the couch with a blanket pulled over me as I felt the tears well in my eyes.  We had not planned on having another baby, so we never knew how much we wanted another one until I became pregnant.  But then we lost her.  We lost little Zooey -- a name we picked out because of Mum's sister.

I heard a knock at the door and sighed.  "Come in," I called out, not feeling like moving.  It still hurt and I had just gotten to the point where it was somewhat comfortable.

Ayden had asked me to check in on Lucy since it was his first day having to get back to work.  He was worried about her; we all were.  I understood their loss.  Granted, my loss was forcibly taken away... but Lucy and Ayen's... it had been nature's doing.  I heard her beckon me inside and I walked in.  "Hey, Lu, it's just me," I announced.  I found her laying down on the couch.  "Where's Leo?" I asked.

I smiled a bit at Lincoln.  He was always such a big brother whether he wanted to admit it or not.  "He's in the play pen napping in the other room," I said quietly.  Leo was a deep sleeper, so I knew that I had a good couple of hours before he woke up.  

"Do you want anything?  I'd get it for you, but you know where everything is," I said to him.  I was sure that he would understand.  I had started to seclude myself a little bit from my family, but I knew that it was not a good thing to do.  I was just hurting still -- physically and emotionally -- and I had a hard time handling it all on top of having little Leopold running around.

I shook my head and sat down on the chair.  "I'm fine," I assured her.  "How are you?  If you were going to nap... I can go.  I don't want to interrupt your rest."

I smiled slightly at him and shook my head. "No, i was just laying down," I said to him.  "Pretty much all I've been doing lately... I feel so useless..."  I felt tears come to my eyes.  I had been so emotional as of late, but apparently that was all normal with the miscarriage and the hormones.  I had been a bit emotional when I had Leo, but it was mainly happy emotional... not distressed and depressed emotional.

I shook my head at Lucy.  "You are not useless," I said to her quietly.  "You are a wonderful mother and wife.  Everyone loves you... that does not mean you are useless at all -- quite the opposite, actually."  I looked over at where Leo was at and then went back to looking at my sister.  I tried to smile reassuringly at her.

I looked over at Lincoln and tried to smile at him.  He was trying to so hard -- just like everyone else.  "Thank you," I said to him, "but forgive me if I don't agree.  I know you at least understand..."  That had to be why Ayden sent him to check on me.

I knew that had been a long shot; it was worth a chance that she would believe me, though.  "Of course I understand," I said, knowing what she was getting at.  The pain was still real in my chest every time I thought of it -- even if it had been years since it happened and we lost Austin.  One does not just forget something like that.  "Lucy, you and Ayden will get through this.  It will just take some time."

I nodded; if Lincoln and Juniper could get through something so terrible, Ayden and I could as well.  Theirs was far worse... ours was at least natural causes.  I took a deep breath.  "I just... I'm not sure what to do right now.  It's not fair to Leo," I said quietly.  I had such a hard time looking at my son because I just felt this immense sadness and it was not his fault that I had a miscarriage.  I loved Leopold and that would never change; it just hurt at the moment.

I looked towards the room where Leo was napping soundly.  "It'll just take time," I said to her quietly.  "If you want, June and I can watch Leo for a bit... let you rest and heal up physically.  It might help emotionally then, too."  Anything I could do to try to help my family I would do it.