The mind keeps thinking that you've had enough. But your heart keeps telling you don't give up -- Winter Break 2016

My little girl was able to go to Hogwarts while still having some chemo sessions all through the fall.  By the end of November, her sessions were over with.  She had an appointment over the holiday to see what the next step would be.  Of course, we would not be told if she went into remission or not until at least a few months to make sure all tests came back in our favor.  I went to my daughter's room and saw that she was laying down, wig off, and just facing the wall.  I knocked on her door, having one of her favorite snacks on a tray.  "Honey?  Are you okay?" I asked her, looking down at her, setting the tray on the desk and moving to sit on the edge of the bed.  As I approached, I could tell that she was crying.  I put a hand on her shoulder.  "Quinn... come here," I said, pulling her into a hug.  I was grateful that she did not resist.

It had been far too difficult to deal with any of this.  I was tired... sick... tired of being sick.  I was done with all of this.  I had another appointment, what if things did not come back positively?  Would I be able to handle it if it was negative?  What would they do then?  I held onto my mum tightly.  "I'm just tired, Mum," I said to her, hoping she would get everything I meant out of those four words.

I kissed her forehead and held her even tighter to me.  "I know, sweetie" I said to her.  "I am so sorry you have to go through this... if I could take your place..." My voice caught in my throat.  She knew how much I felt for her.

I nodded into my mum's chest.  Of course I knew that her or dad would take my place if they could -- I was sure anyone would want to.  But there was just nothing they could do.  I sniffled and looked up at my mum.  "I know," I said to her softly.  "What if... Mum, I'm scared," I said, changing what I was going to say in mid-sentence.  I was so scared that all these tests would end up being futile and that the cancer was still within me, eating away at the good cells in my body.  I felt so weak... all the time.  I felt like I was always sick.  My bad days were starting to outweigh the good days.  And I feared for the worst because of it.

I kissed her forehead again. "I would be lying if I told you we're not scared," I said to her, being completely honest.  "But all we can do is always stick together."  I was not going to tell her to be strong; she could only be so strong for so long.  And, clearly, this was one fo those times it was just so overwhelming to her.

I held onto Mum like she was the only thing keeping me alive.  "I know," I said to her, tears coming down my face.  "I just wish that things would be easier... or that I could just avoid the other students... it's just been a mess."

I kissed Quinn's forehead again.  "I'm sure that your cousins can help you, sweetie," I said to her softly.

I sighed.  "I know they can... but that doesnt' mean I want them to have to always help me, either," I poitned out.  I always tried to be independent, which drove Dad and my male cousins all mental.

I smiled at my daughter.  "You are very brave," I assured her.  "but even the brave know when they need a shoulder to lean on."  I rubbed her shoulders while I spoke.  I knew she was so very strong -- or else she would not be going through this as well as she was -- but that did not mean that she needed to always be strong.

I leaned into my mum and smiled slightly, though tears were in my eyes.  "Thanks," I said to her.  "I don't know what I would do without you... or dad."  I just worried and did not want to have to go through any of this again.  "I have met some cool mates, though... like Graham.  Ren would kill me if I did not find him to be a good addition to our lives."  I chuckled slightly at that thought.  No one really knew how much she fancied him.

I laughed a bit at that comment.  "Much to your Uncle George's dismay, mind you," I replied, knowing that would elicit some laughter from Quinn; even if it was not much, laughter was the best thing to give to her right now.  I knew it was hard, I just wished there was more I could do for my daughter.

I grinned as much as I could.  "Yeah, Uncle George probably doesn't like that fact very much," I agreed.  I sighed, leaning into Mum a little bit more.  "Do you think... will I ever have a normal life after this...?"

I kissed my daughter's forehead at that, chuckling.  Then she had to turn serious again.  "I think you will," I said to her honestly.  "You have to be aware of yourself, though, because you could fall ill so much faster than anyone else -- you always have.  That's part of the reason why your dad has always been so worried about you.  But you had a relatively normal life after your surgery when you were little."  Until now, anyways.  I was just not going to say that to her.  "It just might take a little while to get back to finding normal."

Well Mum sort of had a point there.  I just did not remember that because I was so little when it all happened.  "Do you think Dad will let me return to playing Quidditch by the end of this year?"  I asked.  I had not even been a broom since I had started treatment -- I had been too weak and ill to even think of it.  But now, perhaps after the results came in, I might be able to get back to doing something that I loved.  "Or do you think he won't let me play anymore?"

I sighed and was not sure how to answer her.  "Your dad doesn't have complete control over what you do," I said to her gently.  "I will make sure to let him let you play again -- you love it so much and you need to do things that you love.  It will help you feel better, too."